Is There Anything Left...pt 3

[TryingToDo180]

It's making me hungry as well I've just remembered that I've got some poppadums left over from last night's curry. Might have a nibble

[Not Quitting]

So I was right that had it only been S13 and I at home last night, H would have accepted the dinner invitation.

He eventually turned up to pick up his drill and the bits - well sort of. He said that he either "need you to do me a favour or to play nice". He then proceeds to tell me that the work he needs the tools for is at OW's place, and could I drop them off to him at work Thursday night as he's done a shift change and is on late shift. If I can't or won't, then she's picking him up after work Friday and they'd have to come round the house to collect the tools (hence the "play nice"). Told him Friday doesn't work for me as no one was going to be home and he no longer has the key (and, unsaid, I don't want her anywhere near my house ), so I would drop the boxes off Thursday evening.

So much for a short visit with S13. He was there until S13 went to bed and for another hour or more afterwards. He was going through the list of his stuff he's going to take and asked me if there was anything he'd forgotten to add. We came up with a few other items that are his. He now says he'll pack up his stuff on Sunday - we'll see if that actually happens.

Shortly after S13 had gone to bed, H went outside for a smoke and asked me to join him. What followed was an interesting convo - if you can call it that as he did majority of the talking, I just listened and validated where appropriate. And before any 2x4s come - I'm not ready to believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. He tells me that he can't see a future with OW, that he's just out doing his own thing most of the time, that he never stopped caring for me or loving me. He says that I must know that he's not coming back and that I know why (gesturing towards the house where my dad is). He tells me that we've been through so much, both good and bad, and that he doesn't want to forget or lose that. He mentioned messing up and making mistakes but that he can't go back and change that. And when he'd finished talking he reached out and hugged me - not a quick friends only type hug either. Of course by this time I'd blown it and was bawling my eyes out . He then decided it was time to leave and off he went.

Like I said, I'm not ready to believe anything that comes out of his mouth yet, but it's the first time in months that he's opened up to me like that, and definitely the first time he's mentioned not seeing a future with OW. I won't believe that last bit until first he removes her picture from his FB profile and second he unfriends her on FB - especially as he'd only a short while before said he's spending most of the weekend at her place. I've suspected for a while that he's not happy, so maybe he's now starting to realize what he's walked away from.

[TryingToDo180]

Hmmm, it's a shame that you can't tell him that if he really wants it to work again then you can both get your own place (or can you not leave your dad on his own?) I don't blame you for not believing him, but then if he was lying why would he say something like that? When H said to me that he doesn't want to live in a one bedroomed flat all his life, two thoughts crossed my mind - 1. He shouldn't have left in the first place and 2. He can always move in with OW! lol. I know you will but I'll remind you to take things slowly and remember babysteps Keep us posted with the new developments
Everyone on here seems to be moving forwards with their spouses apart from me it seems! Well that's how it feels anyway! Sorry I'm on a bit of a downer today.

[MileHigh]

NQ, that's a lot to process. Think of it as a storm at sea. Just hang on, keep the ship on course, and wait for calmer waters.

You have the right idea. Take it at face value. H said what he felt at that moment (or thinks he felt...). Remember the mantra (Don't believe half of what he says...). The more important thing is that he opened up and communicated.

You were very brave to listen and not react - crying is ok, we can't always fight that - I mean not saying anything. It [censored] that he put you in a bind like that, where you have to choose from the lesser of two evils.

When things got really tough for me, I would think about the last thing my DB coach said, and that was "promise me you won't make any major decisions or changes while your feeling down or depressed." That really helped me focus enough to get through those stormy seas!

No 2x4s, but a virtual hug. ((())) Haven't seen many of those on the forums these days.

[Not Quitting]

Hmmm, it's a shame that you can't tell him that if he really wants it to work again then you can both get your own place (or can you not leave your dad on his own

I’d be in my own place in a heartbeat if I had the money each month for rent or mortgage. Getting into my own place again is the second two major goals I’ve set myself – the first being getting a better paying job, which I need in order to be able to achieve the getting my own place goal. Dad’s health isn’t bad enough for me to worry about letting him live on his own, as long as one of the sisters (including me) lived close enough to be able to get to him reasonably quickly if needed.

I don't blame you for not believing him, but then if he was lying why would he say something like that? When H said to me that he doesn't want to live in a one bedroomed flat all his life, two thoughts crossed my mind - 1. He shouldn't have left in the first place and 2. He can always move in with OW!

It’s not that I don’t believe him, because I really want to, but it’s not the first time he’s said some of those things, maybe worded differently. It’s also the contradictions – his FB profile picture is one of him and OW, he said earlier in the evening he’s at her place over the weekend, etc, etc. I’ll give him one bonus point in that she called during our convo (he didn’t turn his phone away far enough for me not to see the caller ID on the screen) and he declined the call and turned his phone off. That’s another rarity for him when it comes to calls or texts from her.

Everyone on here seems to be moving forwards with their spouses apart from me it seems! Well that's how it feels anyway! Sorry I'm on a bit of a downer today.

Your day will come TTD! Hang in there. We all have our down days.

[Not Quitting]

NQ, that's a lot to process. Think of it as a storm at sea. Just hang on, keep the ship on course, and wait for calmer waters.

And I’m getting seasick but it’s a change from that rollercoaster LOL.

You have the right idea. Take it at face value. H said what he felt at that moment (or thinks he felt...). Remember the mantra (Don't believe half of what he says...). The more important thing is that he opened up and communicated.

It’s not easy for him to open up to anyone. I’ll take what I can get for now .

You were very brave to listen and not react - crying is ok, we can't always fight that - I mean not saying anything. It [censored] that he put you in a bind like that, where you have to choose from the lesser of two evils.

The worst thing is that if I had the money to afford rent or a mortgage, I’d be in my own place in a heartbeat – I mean, 50 and still living with dad . Things just didn’t go according to plan when we moved from the UK – starting with the fact that too many companies in this country are unwilling to accept foreign work experience, even when the candidate has a Canadian university degree . Yet when I went to the UK from here, I had a really good full-time job within weeks of getting off the plane with no UK experience or education . And any time we were just about in the position to move into our own place something happened, like getting laid off from work .

When things got really tough for me, I would think about the last thing my DB coach said, and that was "promise me you won't make any major decisions or changes while your feeling down or depressed." That really helped me focus enough to get through those stormy seas!

Don’t worry, I have no intention of making any major decisions or changes yet. I would say I’ve never been one to rush into anything but I’d be lying – I married H within 4 months of meeting him - but normally I like to think things through thoroughly before jumping in.

No 2x4s, but a virtual hug. ((())) Haven't seen many of those on the forums these days.

Thanks for the hug – not your testerone overload again is it? LOL

[TryingToDo180]

here's a virtual hug from me to you both as well ((((milehigh and notquitting))). Do you know sometimes I do feel like quitting but then how do I quit? I've no intention of hooking up with anyone else at the mo and it's darn hard to try and let go on H!

[MileHigh]

I think I have it under control. If not, I still have firewood, and this time I can pick up the axe and really work it off!

[MileHigh]

Thanks for the hug, TTD. We got this. We got this. Repeat after me. Deep breath (all that yoga and meditation is getting to me). Let's all have a virtual coffee, and maybe a nice sweet treat, too, as long as we're at it.

[Not Quitting]

Your blood sugar a bit low MH - didn't you say you're diabetic?

Be careful with those sweet treats, virtual or not

Group hugs are great therapy (((( ))))