Wow...there's a lot of tangled storylines here. We do not have to PROVE you wrong since it is your own M. We don't need to prove anything to you nor need your approval.
You need to decide TODAY, right now, whether you sincerely and truly want to save your M. If yes, then you need to make changes for your own benefit and make sure they are genuine. It took you a long time to get into this mess and it will take a while to get out of it.
As Karen says, the first important step is to show respect to your W and model healthy behaviors. You've made many, many mistakes and it is not any wonder that your W is really mad at you.
Your behaviors are troubling and you need to get a firm grip on them. Hitting your head hard on a table and having suicidal thoughts are very scary things to witness. What do you need to do to get them under control? It starts with you and only with you.
To get the benefits of DBing, it is recommended that you visit other people's threads and post in them so you'll get some responses back on your thread. Read, learn, and grow.
