I agree with AS - I demanded "boundaries" with my W about the kids and stuff, and it made her worse. I know now, possibly too late, that supporting her, and believing in her would've caused her to change herself without me saying another word...
Thank you for the explanation about validating. You are right AS. I have only asked her to not say that I lie to her in front of our kids. She has done this repeatedly and we are a family that does not believe in lying or keeping secrets. I will keep working on my validation skills.
I feel that I have come a long way since the BD, and that was in Feb2013. The more I think I know what to do regarding my MLCer, the more I realize that I have so much more to learn. It is a slow and painful process that we must go through, both LBS and MLC/WAS. Thank God for this forum and all who share their knowledge with others. Thank you all.
I have for the most part, given up on thinking that we will ever reconcile and I am good with it for the most part. I still pray for strength and patience to get through this crisis. I know we have a long way to go. I am moving forward with her wishes for the D. I am not helping her with it mind you but, I am not hindering either.
Surprisingly, we are still in couples counceling. I come away from MC with a good feeling most of the time. Not because we are working on R but we are able to get our points of view across and out and the open. She still thinks I am the root of all evil but for whatever reason, she continues to show up at MC.
I will update later. I will try to participate more actively in the near future but work and attorneys take a lot out of me these days.
I hope the day finds you all well and making progress.
I haven’t posted on your thread in a long time but I stumbled on this one: “Surprisingly, we are still in couples counceling.” Give this a thought: Why are YOU still in this?
If this is your true opinion: “Not because we are working on R but we are able to get our points of view across and out and the open. She still thinks I am the root of all evil but for whatever reason, she continues to show up at MC.”
…I don’t get it unless you are working hope and thereby …… (you fill in the blanks)
All the best
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
In your signature it says "makes sense to stay together". How did you both come to that conclusion? I will look for your thread too.
thanks
BKS
BKS,
We didn't come to that conclusion together. My H started coming around near the end of May, after 3 months of wanting to D, no physical contact, no R talks, etc. We were completely separated emotionally (he had BD'd me many times but this time was different and I could tell he really meant it).
When he started coming back to me we had a conversation and he said "nothing has really changed for me, I don't think I can ever feel deep love for you again but I think it makes sense for us to stay together because of the kids, finances, etc." My first reaction was hurt and I wasn't sure I wanted any part of that, however, I quickly realized that with what I was learning on here that could change so I tried not to think about it. In July we 'agreed we were healing'.
Your post made me update my signature; I received a text from H the other day that said "I love you. I am so glad we are working on our M".
We have been M 10 years (last week) and 6-7 of them weren't great, with 4 being horrible for both of us. This is the first time I have felt optimistic that we really will work things out in a permanent way. Neither of us are falling back into our old habits (at least not yet); we are doing our best to have QT (my LL, his 2nd) and focus on each other. We have also learned how to deal with our conflicts without turning on each other, name calling, etc.
As for MC, it may be a plus that she is still showing up. I sat in MC for a long time telling H and C what they wanted to hear but inside didn't mean any of it - but I kept showing up because deep inside there was a part of me that didn't really want a D (I was the WAW at first and had an A). Your W is getting her feelings out, remember to listen and validate and keep showing her your improvements.
I wish you success!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I haven’t posted on your thread in a long time but I stumbled on this one: “Surprisingly, we are still in couples counceling.” Give this a thought: Why are YOU still in this?
I am still in MC because I love her and I still have some faint hope that we can R. Even when she is at her worst, I still feel much love for her. I dont know if that is healthy at this point in our M though.
I am still in MC mainly to help my W and I to learn to communicate better about our D and how to best help our children through the D.
I do still hope and pray that our M will be saved. Its a difficult path to walk while I am also trying to move forward with my life.
Hoping for our M to be healed and moving forward with my life seem to be diametrically opposed (complete opposites for those of you in Yorba Linda, LOL)
Anyway, I believe my W is actively working on beginning a R with OM. Just a strong feeling I get.
BTW, my kids are so wonderful. We had a great day together this past Saturday. We went to church in the morning. W went too. Then we went to ride the gokarts in wheatfield in the afternoon without W. We then went home and got ready to go to the drive-in theater without W. We played mini golf and played on the playground before the movie. We saw "Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs 2". A very great day.
Went to work Sunday 29th. That night she hired a babysitter and went out with her "girlfriends". I now believe she is pursuing a probable EA with OM. I overheard a phone conversation she had which leads me to believe that this is the case.
Our property taxes are due and she asked me to transfer the money to her account so she could pay it. I told her that I would pay it when I get home. I want to make sure that the money is going where it is intended, the tax bill.
She is not too happy about that and has been pestering me for the last two days to give her the money. I keep telling her that I will pay it when I get home.
In the meantime, since she is not happy about this, she seems to be actively keeping me from talking with the children and ignoring my phone calls. She said she wouldn't pass on any messages to the kids from me until she gets the money (I'm paraphrasing). Nasty business divorce is. And I don't think we have arrived at the worst of it yet.
Her negative bias towards me is relentless. As bad as it is, it does help me to stay detached from her. I keep asking myself why do I still love her and hope that she finds her way out of the tunnel/fog. I know that is a question only I can answer for myself.
I will pose the question to all of you. What keeps you hanging on to the hope of reconciling with your S?
May we all find the strength and patience to get through this.
She is not too happy about that and has been pestering me for the last two days to give her the money. I keep telling her that I will pay it when I get home.
Maybe she's just concerned you won't get around to paying it. I would follow through on that promise and pay it this evening when you get home, then let her know it's taken care of. If she rants about it, well then you'll know she had other plans for the money. But if she's relieved, then you'll know she was just worried about it getting paid.
Quote:
I will pose the question to all of you. What keeps you hanging on to the hope of reconciling with your S?
The many success stories. I think if people knew how long this really takes and were committed to sticking it out, there would be even more success stories. Unfortunately most LBS's want to throw in the towel and move on after only months when realistically it takes a year or two for most WASs to come out of the fog. That said, I'm not sitting around watching the phone waiting for my W to call. I'm living life without her. Maybe she'll come back some day and maybe she won't, either way I will be fine. I do keep a small flame of hope burning though, just in case
Thanks for checking in on me so often. I do value your opinion and insight on this subject.
Would you still take your W back now if she wanted to reconcile?
If so, how do you go about piecing the R back together again?
So much damage done to the R. I guess what we think is the hard part of dealing with our MLCer is letting them go. I think it would be equally hard to take them back. So much damage done to the LBS and children/family.
So much work to be done after the fog lifts. I do believe what you are left with, after reconciling, is a much better and stronger R and M.
I hope we all get to experience marriage, with our S, after MLC.
BKS, I agree with you completely, there's a lot of wreckage to sort through if W ever decided she wanted to try at the M. I definitely would not just throw the door open and tell her to move back in. I don't even know if I would want to be married to the person she's become because she is so vastly different than who she was even 2 years ago (I'm about to post an update to my thread going into how D16 and I had a long talk last night and D16 said she doesn't even know who her mom is anymore). We'd have to start back with the basics- dating and getting to know each other again. The chemistry is no longer there, so a big question in my mind is whether we can even get it back. And there are big trust issues that would have to be dealt with too. It would be many months before I would consider letting her move back in, and I would insist on MC and returning to RetroV before that could happen.
Can you post the link to your thread. I am not very good at finding peoples threads. I have tried but I find links to posts you have made, not your individual thread.
