on the edge...

[dingo]

Thanks for the reply Sandi - I find your posts very helpful and insightful.

I did not actually show her the post. I copied what you wrote into a word file, printed it out and gave it to her. I told her that it came from someone who was in a similar situation to hers. I thought she might appreciate something from someone who had shared her perspective. To my knowledge, she does not know of this site and I don't plan on telling her about it.

I understand that there are different strategies that are recommended by different people. I think the key is knowing when to use which as the situation demands. I also understand that each situation is completely unique and there is no one answer that is going to resolve every situation.

I also understand the emotional need thing. I asked her to give me a list of the ways she felt I failed the marriage and at the same time I produced my own list of how I felt I failed the marriage. There were many items that we both listed. Many of these I had never suspected were failings but I had learned that they were through some of the reading I had done during this crisis. Of course others were things that she complained about before but I didnt listen or take her seriously enough.

When I condense the issues the major topic is that I was too focused on the practical side of our lives. We talked about having a child but I always wanted 6 more months of savings before I felt we were financially ready, she wanted to go on a nice vacation or to put new floors in the house and I would say something stupid like 'we can do that but its going to set us back on the child issue.' I became pretty rigid and I think she felt like she had no say.

Also during this time, I became overly focused on work. I wanted the raise, I wanted the promotion so I could make more money to give her the floors, vacations, etc. I would come home from work exhausted and not give her the time she deserved.

My understanding of the OM is that he listens to her and makes her feel like her opinion matters. As opposed to me, he does not have a particularly strong personality so I know that she pretty much gets her way with him. Its probably the same old 'he treats me like you did when we were dating' scenario.