Becoming Patient Man III - Moving Forward

[PatientMan]

Thank you for your responses. She's seems very skittish and uncertain, though I think pieces of the wall may be coming down (slowly). In her words, she still feels lost, directionless, alone, like she's a bad mom, and not sure that she'll ever be okay. These are the same feelings she has had for a very long time, but she has been unwilling to really DO anything to change her situation, so it doesn't surprise me that she's stuck where she is.

(Some life advice: you can't waste time WAITING for things to get better, just MAKE them better. As I tell my children every morning, "Have a great day, but don't WAIT for it to be great...MAKE it great!")

Currently it feels a little bit like I am a piece of clothing that she is trying on to see if it fits. And like women and their clothes, sometimes it fits and sometimes it doesn't.

So, for now, even though she's seemingly schizophrenic on a day to day basis, I won't press forward with anything regarding the R, but I'll stay in tune and responsive.

There are still a few things to take care of that won't be easy (for her). Most notably, telling the kids about the D. It's been 4 months. Again in her words, she has stalled because she is afraid she has made a mistake and doesn't want to tell the kids about the D if we begin to piece (to shelter them from further hurt). So it seems to be very much like post-BD when she said she wanted to try to work on our M, but basically was just waiting for that feeling to come back. And that just doesn't happen.

So perhaps she is apprehensive about telling the kids, and me deciding it's time to tell them - though difficult for her - may release her of that pressure she has put on herself and allow her to feel her real feelings, whatever they are. If that's a realization that she doesn't want a MR with me, then fine - we move on with our lives. If that means she wants to R, then fine - we've got a lot of work to do.

-PM