Well its been a crazy few weeks since the first post in the thread. I'd pretty much gotten either the silent treatment, or a round about way of her playing the blame game on me more. Not sure she even realizes what she says half the time, and how hurtful it can be because of it. I've really learned to listen to what's being said, but more importantly whats NOT being said and how much that counts towards the big picture.
You learn to be patient, you learn to be supportive, you learn to detach and let them have their journey. I'm there, and have no regrets on how I've handled things this last 9 months. I've been furthering my education, taking cooking and dance classes, stepped up as a father and not judged either way in the process.
I feel comfortable in my own skin, and know I've put in every effort possible, there is nothing more I could do but sit back and hope she came out of her own fog. I was honest with myself to a fault. I didn't wait, but I didn't reach out in a way i'd have regrets later (dating). Its her that needs to put in the work now, and she's just not willing to do that, even for herself, which was all I wanted, even if the marriage didn't make it.
So to make a short story long, an old friend contacted me today. She was never that kind of friend !! But wow, was it so nice to have a conversation and not be judged, to not have to worry about saying the wrong thing (I know crazy, but I've intentionally stayed away from females). She said she was coming to town soon and wanted to catch up a little after 24 years, guess she saw my facebook photo and asked herself why she never jumped on me in the first place, lol. I told her I wasn't in a place that I could give more than just some good conversation, but was looking forward to it. I think its perfect, she lives far away, so I cant jump into anything. I'm not ready anyway. But theres such a huge relief knowing someone can be attracted to you in a way that really makes you feel like you can move on one way or the other finally.
Its like a giant weight has lifted off your soul. We chatted on the phone for an hour while she was at work, then she needed to look not so obvious and we switched to texting for a couple more hours till her phone died. Said she'll call me soon as she gets home. I'm actually looking forward to just talking.
I was never really per say incognito, just realized she needed her space, and at the time, whether I liked it or not I wasn't part of her future plans. I started making my changes, cause its all I could do.
As far as the original thread, I wont refer back to it, cause after all it sounds like a broken record with regards to 99% of the posts here. It may start off as our own journey, we have to make it, we have to commit to it, cause we keep carrying around our own baggage. But, eventually, if theres a chance to R, they have to put in the work too. When/Why/How they do that has to be up to them, IF they can even do it. You cant put a time frame on it, ultimatums come from our own insecurities, not theres.
I've forgiven myself for my mistakes, and a funny thing happened along the way. I forgave her too. Theres no anger, jealousy, or resentment. For our spouses, until they can do the same thing for themselves, there can be nothing new.
You learn to let go. I think the term holding on is too strong. I think holding on becomes the last clutch we need to let go of. Its something we need to do for ourselves, it cant be an "almost fully there" attempt either. My kids are old enough that there isn't really a need to co-parent. Maybe that helps speed things up too.
Fly, So great to hear that you are feeling good and living life! I know your W was pressuring you to keep at it and move back in, but you have recognized that she is not yet ready to put in the required effort. Good of you to notice that, as you don't want to put the cart before the horse and rush things. In the meantime, you are right, life goes on and you keep moving forward.
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Incognito because you said you changed your screen name. I thought maybe that's why you didn't want to link to the original posts.
I like to read the initial posts because it's like exposition in a story. Lays everything out. Not having it is like starting a 10 chapter book at chapter 5.
But, it's your story and I respect your choice.
You've made an important discovery, only by forgiving yourself can you forgive others.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
doh im so dense sometimes.......right over my head on the user ID switch lol.
Hehe like I said it sounds like every other story. Came home wife wanted out, I cried begged pleaded, made every mistake in the 37 rules the first two months. Live and learn, had my fair share of backslides.
Just found out wife has cancer of the uterus, they got it really early, scheduled hysterectomy later this month. 15 lumps in breasts discovered as well, my daughter told me and wife doesn't share with me. Nothing I can do if she doesn't want my support.
I think it would be nice if you send her a card or text that you heard what she's going through and will be thinking of her.
That's scary stuff for your W to go through, scary for your daughter too.
I think if you're compassionate but not pushy, W won't be sorry D told you, and might feel cared about as a fellow human even if you're not H and W.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My W is undergoing breast cancer treatments right now. I've offered several times to help her, offered specific things like to mow her yard or get groceries or do laundry, whatever she may need. She's refused it, and that's fine, it's her choice. But that didn't stop me from offering.
I see her about once a week when we switch kids and I ask how she's doing, how the treatments are going, how it makes her feel, etc. That too is support.
She posts on CareBridge and I post uplifting messages for her there now and then.
I don't know if any of that helps my sitch, probably not, but that's not why I'm doing it. I'm doing it because regardless of our sitch, I want to be there for her in some way during this difficult time, and that is being true to who I am. I'm not saying you should do the same, I'm just saying that even if your W doesn't want your support you can still offer it if that's being true to who you are.
