Surviving Separation

[Confluences]

Hey Slow~ So I get a text mssg from my W this morning: "I would like to come by and get some of my clothes and other stuff. You don't have to be there."

We then had a cordial text mssg exchange (all business, no R talk) and I wished her a belated Happy Birthday (10 days ago) and she said she'd text me on Sunday. My good friend suggested that I offer to help her out and be here, what are your thoughts?

[slow_it_down]

Hey Confluences,
Since you don't have kids I'd take advantage of this opportunity to interact with her in person. I would make sure you have something else going on when she gets there (like an open computer or have football on the tv) so that she doesn't think you are just waiting around for her. I would act friendly but also like its no big deal she's there. I wouldn't follow her around or offer to help in advance, but as she's carrying things out just start pitching in. I wouldn't ask if she wants help - just start helping and if she doesn't react negatively keep helping. If you ask or say 'let me know if you want help' she'll probably say no.

Also, sometimes it can help to come up with a bunch of things you could potentially chat about when she's there before she comes so that you have a go-to list of things to keep things light and not awkward. For example asking her about or talking about her favorite tv shows, talking about current events, funny stories or articles you've read... anything to keep it fun but not too personal.

Have you heard from her otherwise? Have you guys talked or texted at all about anything else for the past few weeks?

[Confluences]

That is the first time she has texted me since August and it will be the first time that I will see her since June 22nd. My nerves went into overload but I've got to confront my fears right now. The expectations will be a negative zero and I will believe 1/2 of what she says but it's going to be hard but it's also an opportunity to send a message.

Football will definitely be on the TV. I have some of her shoes in boxes that she wants but that's it.

I agree with not following her around like a lap dog. Totally agree with a list of things to chat. Ironically Sunday will be 6 months to the day that we've been separated.

I took down all the photos of us that we're up and put them in a spare bedroom, I think that will send a message of moving-on or acting as if I've moved on.

I figure this may be the only time I see her for the rest of the year but who knows. Anxiety is flowing.

[slow_it_down]

This might be terrible advice... But I found ridiculous humor sort of softened things at times in my sitch, and might help lesson the tension going into this and maybe open up a lighthearted conversation going into it.

Since you know she's coming for shoes i wonder how she'd react if you did something funny and texted or emailed her a picture of it on the topic of these shoes?

"I know you are coming back for your shoes, but i don't know if I can let you take this pair back... I started using them to organize my pens after you left . ". Or "I'm not sure I can give this pair back yet, they were part of my Halloween decorations for the porch ( picture of mini pumpkins on top of the shoes) .

I always figured that the worst case was no reply to my occasional random humor... But at times I'd get a reply and a lighthearted conversation would ensue.

Just something to consider. Either way - good luck this weekend! Let me know how it goes.

[Confluences]

I found out last night that her girlfriends are taking her to Charlotte for a late Birthday/Girl's getaway on Saturday (which is better than a OM, I guess). I was having dinner at my buddy's house, whose Wife is going on the overnight tomorrow and she said that they were going to stop by on the way back, which is fine if they all come over.

I just said that she needs to check the attitude at the door and all will be fine. This girl's husband suggested back in July (when she was being really nasty) that I put all of her possessions on a table in the front yard, then call her and tell her she needs to come and get all her possessions before someone else walks off with her stuff. He was so mad at her at the time.

I took the high road and found this website instead to work through things.....so I guess it was better to stick with DBing.

Anyway, I think that ignoring her on her Birthday may have touched a nerve. I think having her friends with her will make it easier on both of us.

The best advice you gave me was having sports on and just let her do her thing and not follow her around the house. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

[slow_it_down]

Another week in marital limbo has come and gone.

My H finally found out what was causing his health problems but it will take time for him to get back to 100%. In the meantime he's been better about coming over to help w/ our newborn, but only stays for short periods of time (no longer stays overnight).

I almost backslid yesterday because I desperately wanted to ask where this is going and initiate a R conversation. On the one hand he's talking about Christmas plans with me and S but on the other hand he is spending less time here. It's hard to rebuild when he seems to be getting too comfortable being able to stop by and go back to his own place at night.

However I decided to take a nice long shower to think this through first before opening my mouth and I'm glad I decided not to say anything. We ended up having a really nice time together and H even made a nice dinner for me and my kids despite not being able to eat with us. I put my arm around him for a bit and he seemed to linger a bit after saying he had to go. He also offered to meet up w/ me at my parents house today. So despite not spending the time at my place he is still exhibiting a bunch of other positive signs that he's still moving closer not further.

Oh and he also offered me a bit of unprompted financial help. This is a huge deal as money has always been a sore subject. Bills from our S's delivery are starting to roll in so him offering to help w/ o me having to ask makes me really proud of him.

Case in point, I have to remember to dig deep for the patience I had when we weren't talking this summer. Things are going well and I just need to let them play themselves out rather than rushing them.

[Confluences]

We both need patience....and more patience. My W never came over yesterday....as I think they had a pretty late night on Saturday. Remember you're a lot further along then I am at this point in the process. If you want to it to work, then just like me, you got to tread lightly and keep working on yourself. How much longer is your maternity leave going to last?

[slow_it_down]

Confluences, I'm sorry you didn't get your shot to interact with your W yesterday. Hopefully you'll get another shot soon. Since they were out late maybe it was a blessing in disguise so you weren't dealing with her being tired and maybe hungover.

Today has been a good test of some of the relationship skills I've been working on. My H is stressing about being short on money after paying child support. My default response would typically be to try to "solve" this for H instead of just listening and validating, followed by castigating him for all they ways he's spent money on nonessentials in the past month or so.

However, today I did a good job of listening and validating. I also used self control and avoided saying "how can you afford x,y, z but you can't find money for gas to drive over here?" Nope I'm letting him figure this out on his own.

I think my strategy must have been a good one because despite starting off with him calling using the most miserable voice ever, he just called back in a better mood and he said he plans to come over after work.

Him not contributing was a huge issue for me when we were together so I'm hopeful that leaving him to figure this out on his own (and to not cave and say he can give me less money for cs) will break that old cycle.

[Confluences]

That's 1/2 the battle when you want to get in disagreements with them regarding how they feel about something or some situation. Arguing about how they feel is just going to put yourself in the hole.

Reconciliation is paved with words of kindness. I think your did a really good job in your description of the situation and how you addressed. It's hard when you're put to the test on the spot with no opportunity to think about your approach to the situation......the only option is to Listen, Listen, and Listen.

I tend to want to argue and defend my position.....which is why I'm by myself right now.

[slow_it_down]

Another day of seeing H where he doesn't stay over and leaves as I'm getting my kids to bed. I'm not at all complaining since he did do my dishes and helped with our son while I made and ate dinner.

However it's really hard to imagine how we'll rebuild intimacy or get back to even feeling married if we have 0 physical contact and don't even spend time alone together. Now with his money being tight he said he plans to cut back on coming over (to save gas) and will be taking on side jobs in the very little free time he has (he already works 80+ hour weeks). I do believe he is sincere and doing this because of money issues, not to avoid us.

I hate that if he hadn't started distancing again a few weeks back that we may have been at a point by now or soon where he could move back and rent out or sell his place so he would have money.

He's already a workaholic so seeing him less and him working more is going to be really frustrating. However, I know that I can't convince him to feel comfortable here. I have to remind myself over and over that we are on his timetable for working this out not mine.

Who knows, maybe he'll never want to kiss me again. Maybe he'll never get the urge to give his own place up. I keep reminding myself to live my own life whether he's in it or not so whether he really comes "home" or not doesn't really change anything for me so I should stop spending so much time thinking about it!