Thank you, AS, willbewell, Tori, dbmod, jp, and lovethehub!
I appreciate your posts and your thought-provoking questions.
"What is your goal?"
My goal is to find out if there has been ANY (in his head) about wanting to save our M. ANY!
He has seemed "happier" lately and friendlier...makes me suspicious if he is talking to OW again.
Where is my head?
Well, Sunday at church I broke down crying and had to leave the service...the pastor's sermon was called "How do you love?" and then a song that spoke to my heart was played and that was all it took- I was a sobbing mess! Worst break-down I've had in a long time.
I ran into a M friend outside the sanctuary (strange timing) and he just gave me a long hug and said, "Dont, worry, you are pretty, you'll find somebody else..." He really doesn't get it, but he was trying to be supportive.
So, I thought my break-down was b/c I still love H and can't let him go. Interestingly, the past 3 nights I have been "browsing" on an on-line dating site (first time I've EVER done this).
What to make of this? IDK
Still have not seen cute D friend...but we've texted a couple of times, so he's still on my radar.
Any thoughts????
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
My only thought here GT is when your ready, you wont be questioning yourself about it. If theres still a small glimmer of doubt in your mind, then its doubt.
Your on the fence still, you wont need to ask anyone there opinions when you are ready to get off of it. Sounds like your trying to convince yourself of something your really haven't committed to yet, but your starting to have some fun exploring the possibilities. I think your pretty close to making your own mind up, and sticking with it.
I know this might sound funny, but why do YOU need HIS validation for YOUR feelings?
I think that's still a way of trying to convince yourself one way or the other. Almost like your letting him dictate how your going to feel.
IMO, don't ask him! It shouldn't be about how he feels, its only about how you feel. Don't respond, DICTATE!! Your not there yet, fine, nothing wrong with that, but you WILL get there on your own terms, not in response to his.
GT, some days I seem so patient, other days not. I know I deserve someone to be over the moon for me! last fall I went on a dating site and went on a few dates( I know not DB) I know I was doing this because my self esteem took such a hit by h's A. I needed to remember that I was desirable. It was fun but I knew (and that time) I would drop any date(r) like a hot potato if h came back around.
I am not getting any younger. I too question what I am doing. I wish I could just wake up and know!! I do know I want a partner to spend life with!
H is friendly to me. I am friendly back. friendly meaning polite...I get 0 from h in terms of emotional connection. When he is here at house, I think seems sourpuss, and really I feel sad for him. We have such great kids and a great home.That he didn't /couldn't enjoy this...
H had taken off his ring last March after a big blowup from me- put it back on when he came home early july(he was out again 2 weeks later) it is still on but really it doesn't mean anything. it's been on the whole time of A.
My s20 has been most bothered by sit. He notices these things like the ring. He has struggled with his own feeling of the whole sit. We will all be together this weekend for s17 race. Booked in same hotel. D and I one room. H and s in another.
so today, my ring is on. I do feel like if under God's grace we R, he would need to buy me a new one. Perhaps I will give it until the end of the year. Still don't want D, but do know I can't stay in this limbo forever. I do want a partner . Glad there are the dating sites for the 50's crowd. I don't want to compete with 30 year olds!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Fly makes a good point. You get to decide when you're done. If you're done, you're done, what H thinks won't matter.
I thought I was done many times and one of my support team would always pop up to say you're not done yet.
They were right.
And being done had very little to do with H but everything to do with me and where I needed to be to be ready to move on. Had I quit earlier, I would have been half-baked.
You aren't done.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My goal is to find out if there has been ANY (in his head) about wanting to save our M. ANY!
And maybe you're in a spot where you need to know that, if so then just be prepared on how you're going to respond to him no matter what his answer is. I see 3 possibilities in his response- 1) Yes, I want to save the M; 2) No, I am totally done; 3) I'm not really sure what I want. I think it'll be 3. So then your choice is to continue on as-is or to give him an ultimatum.
Originally Posted By: littleGTO
So, I thought my break-down was b/c I still love H and can't let him go.
If that's the case I'm not sure you're ready for a temperature check of your H, especially if it may lead to an ultimatum.
Originally Posted By: willbwell
I am not getting any younger. I too question what I am doing. I wish I could just wake up and know!! I do know I want a partner to spend life with!
Same here, but it just gets so much more complicated at our age versus when we were in our 20's, doesn't it? We have kids, inevitably the OP will have kids, probably both will have houses, neither wants to move and uproot their kids or deal with long-distant co-parenting with their ex, etc. etc. In our 20's we're still so flexible regarding where to work, live, even our hobbies and interests can be adapted to another person. But in our 50's it ain't so easy! That's what I'm learning in my dating, finding that "perfect fit" is a staggering task. I don't think the WAS's think about stuff like this, they just let themselves be blinded and swept away by puppy love. But I don't even want to start a serious R with someone if there are logistical issues that will create problems later, you know?
Originally Posted By: willbwell
I don't want to compete with 30 year olds!
What do you mean compete with them, make that your dating pool
I'm going to start backwards from most recent post.
AS- I am 47 and I have been looking at guys with profiles from 32-48 so far. I FEEL so much younger than 37 (whatever that should feel like, I don't know-LOL!). I actually have been thinking about what I would look for in a guy (and 32 would be too young, IMO.."cute guy's age!" ).
Interestingly I realize A LOT of the qualities are things I used to love about my H.
Secondly, regarding my "break-down"...think it is part of the cycling back to old feelings that rear their ugly head from time to time. Luckily I tend to bounce back much quicker than I used to.
Fly- THANK YOU for your thoughts about my need to decide what I am ready to do based on what H is/isn't doing! You are right. But, I do need to know that H is on his same path so I can move further onto mine....if H has thoughts about saving our M then I can stand longer "to see what happens." BUt, if NONE of these thoughts have crossed his mind then I need to accept this and decide for myself where this takes me on MY journey.
If there is hope I want to know. If there is not I want to know this too. I do not want to make decisions based on lack of information just b/c I was too afraid to ask. Want to have no regrets.
bug- You are probably right- that I am not done, but almost, I think. And, yes, if I am still asking for advice about this then I still have doubts about being done.
willbewell- a ring is a ring...but when worn it does symbolize you are a M woman. My M is dead, so no ring. My H never wore his ring BUT he took it when he moved out and told me later that he thought he should have it with him.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
AS- I am 47 and I have been looking at guys with profiles from 32-48 so far. I FEEL so much younger than 37 (whatever that should feel like, I don't know-LOL!). I actually have been thinking about what I would look for in a guy (and 32 would be too young, IMO.."cute guy's age!" ).
Surprisingly I've had trouble finding women my age to go out with, but it seems like there's an abundance of 30-somethings looking. I've been impressed with how mature the 30-somethings are though. It might be different for you, maybe 30-something guys aren't as mature? Not sure. Anyway, I've gotten along great with the ones I've gone out with. So far they've all had kids, and they've lived everywhere in the area BUT close to me so that's been a hassle.
^^I meant the locations have been a hassle, not the kids. I don't mind them having kids, but the great distances have required a lot of advanced planning. There's definitely no dropping by just to say 'hello' like in my old days of dating
