i'm glad to hear you sounding good with your life - and see it differently - it does sound like at least your h knows he's "going thru" something. i'd give quite alot to hear those words. your guy has at least a notion of which way he wants it allll to go and he has stated with clarity he wants to remain married to you and have his life with you & his family. . .
i think alot of my own anger is exactly same as yours - my frustration at being in this sitch - TOTALLLLY UNABLE TO FIX it or him in any way (yeah- work on me - NOT QUITE AS satisfactory as it just going away- h "waking up" , or the sitch being rectified in any way significant. etc) i'm just still sitting around waiting on h - i can't imagine i can do this forever. yet i do one more day, and one more day. just like with my mother.
I know i need to do something BIGGER HERE to get my brain to be at peace with just having a lousy life for awhile (or maybe forever) til i'm totally at peace with these pricklie problems and relationships. like- i keep telling myself perhaps since i've been pretty much happy for 60 years that is all one can expect realistically- and i need to just take my turn at being all jacked up here. i don't know how people spend a lifetime going in and out of relationships. i think if i did all this stuff when i was young- it would have warped me somehow.
i'm hoping with maturity & what i know now I'll somehow rise above it all - (sometime... (soon?) we hope.
this "inability' and having patience just gets me down. top it off with my mother & wacky sister- eeeeek. i know at this moment in life i'm "in over my head" here with the stressors and i NEEEED TO somehow let some of it go - OR ALL OF IT.
WTF??? i don't seem to want to jump in and boot any one of them out of my life. can't seem to do it - for final & good. - THEY'RE all part of my whole life it seems- how the heck do you divorce your family? if i didn't have to interact with them- i guess it would just simmer a bit and fade away- instead it's still constant demands on my time and emotions (mom & sis) . well, h also in the sense that i am forced to KNOW what he's doing & when.
i mean a FIX. there just is no way i can 'CHANGE" h or his brain. (OR sis or mom for that matter). i feel like how the heck can i have been happy for allll my life and thinking it all and everyone was "just fine" and all of a sudden at this stinking point in my life- be in such a big soup of dissention?????? oh well huh? SO LIKE, HOW MANY MILLION TIMES HAVE I SAID THE EXACT SAME THING.
WILL I EVER NOT BE SURPRISED AT WHAT A MESS MY LITTLE LIFE FEELS LIKE. ???? I'M SCRATCHING my owh head and asking me what th4 heck i can be thinking to even register (still) some amazement.
HONESTLY THO- I CAN SEE THAT MY LIFE is still alot better than a whole lot of people- i am grateful to be well and sane & alive & still "afloat" here- so i'll go with that.
it was really interesting to meet the real people- it makes it too real almost. been thinking and thinking about linda and how her homecoming went and you & ur....
after nite at mom's it was incredibly depressing next day- idk why- even took a stinking tranquilizer because could see day spiraling downward if i didn't do something to quell the anxiety- mini attack- what the heck was that????? just ambushed me.
i know i'm only human being- like everyone else. i don't like how my emotions jack me around.
you'll roll your eyes when i say h will be "out of town" this weekend- why in the world he felt compelled to tell me up front instead of just disappearing as usual - idk.
i may not HATE him- but i'd like to, i think. i would like to feel something sooooo giant it overrides my plodding prudence here (maybe i'm dbing - but it feels alot like doormatting) - my inner self thinking it would be a huge mistake and "waste" for us to stop being a part of each other's lives. i still think it- believe it- BUT WHAT IF IT'S MERELY habit and i'm wrong? now i question (alot) my choices & the info i get frommy gut- always always always could bank on it- not so sure now.
idk dawn- i sure hopei'm not saying this in five years-
i'd sure hope life holds some stuff waaaay more fulfilling and 3exciting than THIS (ONLY).
okay- dreary old sad A$$ me - need to get dressed & quit wearing black. xxoo glad you feel better in general about "it all"
