Well right now I'm just keeping as silent and dark as possible so I don't have to deal with H or divorce right now. I want to get out of this depression and into doing something for myself before dealing with this mess.
It seems like everytime I talk to H for something like moving stuff in or out of apt, he brings up the topic of divorce. So if I don't talk to him, no divorce. Ignorance is bliss right? Also, I don't feel like we've truly been NC as we were always talking about separation. Maybe if I go true NC then time can be my friend. I don't want to get back together right now, I just want time and lots of it. I want time to think, figure out my life, and try to find happiness within myself before getting into this legal battle. (Not that there will be much of one.) I'm hoping he won't contact me about divorce and I can just breathe.
I know it sounds stupid, but for the last few days whenever I feel the urge to write H anything, even if it's about his stuff he needs to pick up, I just write it out, and then delete it. I delete everything. I feel like just by writing it down, it's good enough. It's been helping me keep true NC. After reading DB again, I think there's some truth in that he hasn't felt that he has had true time and space form me. I haven't felt it either.
In the beginning I think I made the huge mistake of really just assisting in the separation/divorce. I didn't want it, but I had the attitude of if you are going to ask me for one let's just sign the papers today and get it over with. I've had an entirely negative attitude, and everytime I backslide, it just means I'll have to go that much longer to prove my good behavior. I have yet to make it over a month without backsliding.
So this month's goal, just be happy with myself. I was doing good with my workouts, so I want to continue them. I'm thinking of going to the costume store picking out a sexy (not slutty) costume that's a size smaller, and having a goal of fitting into it by Halloween. I think I can drop a size by Halloween. I'll still be overweight, and have a ways to go, but one size is good enough for now. I'm thinking of doing some small Halloween get together with friends. I like the smaller parties, not the loud can't remember where my bra is the next day party.
It's so good time and time again to have this site. Whenever I feel alone, I just know that i'm not the only one going through all of this. I'm glad everyone here is supportive.
