I have been following the program really well since my last panicked posts. I have been as Dark as possible, and have done zero snooping or recon.
W texted last week to ask for some of my S16's Adderall (for his use when he stays with her). She asked me to set it out on the porch as she understands that I am not talking with her right now.
I texted that I could actually hand it to her. Even offered to let her trade cars since she has been driving our beater/work truck for the past week.
I met her on the porch and handed off the meds. Naturally she looked great. New pants, slim, with riding boots and new glasses. I was pretty cool. We talked on the porch for maybe two minutes.
Don't remember what we talked about other than she said she has started watching Firefly on TV. Said I shoul watch it. I think I sort of ended the conversation, but D14 was waiting in the truck so she took off.
It was pretty tough. I did not try to hug her or anything stupid. No ILY or pleading nonsense. Cool.
I did feel extremely physically attracted to her, which made me very sad.
Oh yeah. I mentioned her past requests that we have some sort of "talk". Asked her what exactly she wanted to talk about. (Because I don't know if she wants to talk about D terms or OM or just wants to be buds again.)
She said she didn't need to talk about anything in particular, just that I would have to start talk ing to her eventually.
I sort of murmured, uh-huh. And then cut the conversation short.
Question: How dark should I be? If she wants to be buds and hang out, isn't that Having Her Cake?
I don't want to alienate her or piss her off, but I don't think I can be all best buddies anymore. She crossed a red line when she filed for D, and emotionally kicked all my teeth out a couple weeks ago.
Not really feeling that I need to be there for her right now. Of course the risk is, she gets mad at me for being distant and unavailable.
Hanging out with her would also be tough for me emotionally. She wants to be close friends right away which is delusional.
Also makes it hard for me to keep the focus on me, where it belongs. I am GALing pretty well, and trying to work on PMA.
As usual all comments and suggestions would be welcomed.
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
She gave you up as best buddy when she moved out and filed for D. So I agree, you don't want to be baking any cakes for her.
Having said that, you want to make sure you're not coming off as if you're punishing her. Her comment "I understand that you're not talking to me right now" makes me wonder if she thinks you are. You're not "Not talking to her" you're standing up for your principles, living your own life, and giving her the space and new life she is seeking.
She might not like it that you refuse to be best friends, and "be there" for her through and after the D, but she'll respect you for being confident, strong, and principled. I also would make sure to show her love during your interactions. Then focus on your new life. She may eventually surprise you and decide to follow.
Tell us about your GAL's. What new and exciting things you got going on?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I will see my W this afternoon at D14's soccer game.
I know that W is having a PA, but she does not know that I am aware of it. She filed for D several weeks ago, and I am going insane with the knowledge of the OM, and of the D filing.
I have been dark for about a month now. She came to the house last week (to drop of some clothes for D14) and we talked for a few minutes. Civil and friendly.
New Questions:
When I see her at the Soccer game today, how should I act? I know that I am supposed to be friendly and have PMA when I see W. I think that I can actually pull it off. Should I sit with her? Should I talk with her about neutral stuff? She really wants to be me my friend already. Is that cake eating?
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
When I see her at the Soccer game today, how should I act? I know that I am supposed to be friendly and have PMA when I see W. I think that I can actually pull it off. Should I sit with her? Should I talk with her about neutral stuff? She really wants to be me my friend already. Is that cake eating?
What would surprise her? (in a good, or curious way, not a pissed off way)
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I sat with W at the soccer game, and we talked for about 20 minutes before it started. No R talk, or D talk, or M talk. Just a nice chat about D14 and neutral stuff. She hugged me when she left. Asked if she could first, and I said, "It might hurt," but she did it anyway. I left my arms at my sides but I leaned in just a little and let her hug me.
She has been working out, and has a body like Sharon Stone did a few years ago. She should have no trouble in the singles bars.
This morning W came to my house to pick up D14 for a second soccer game. I can't go because I have joined a team myself as part of my GAL and PMA program. W said she was happy that I have joined a team.
She showed up 15 minutes early to pick up D14, and sat at the dining table with me while I finished my coffee. She is acting like we are old friends, chatting, and laughing a lot. We talked about her football teams, and D14's soccer, and stuff she is doing. I am asking no questions and putting no pressure. W loves to chat, and has no filter at all. If I am quiet, and just respond with a few comments, she will ramble on and on about stuff. She is terrible about keeping any kind of secrets because she talks about everything that pops into her head. (I learned about who the OM is through her over-sharing. She told meabout her crush months ago - after that all i had to do was a little Google, etc.)
She has removed her wedding band and is now wearing nothing on her finger. It has become very clear she has already moved on mentally to where I am just her ex-husband and dependable old friends - but without friends with benefits arrangement http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/images/icons/default/tongue.gif .)
I am concerned that I am letting her eat her cake, and also helping out by providing a soft landing for her. She is definitely in the euphoria of being and acting newly single. No wedding band. Going out etc. Flirting with young guys.
The good: I recognize that her hugging me, and wanting to spend time with me is good. But I also want her to miss me, right?
How the heck am I supposed to be Dark, but also mysterious, a little distant, and attractive to her? How can I be dark, and also happy and upbeat?
I think her EA/PA is fizzling, because she spent Friday and Saturday nights alone in her apartment. Through my continued observation (AKA snooping - I know, bad idea) she has spent very little time with the OM. I think he may have lost interest already. Definitely a good thing.
But now, I am worried that she might be a classic WAW, and really IS going to actually be happier living alone, and to be just old friends with me. She definitely has done many things that indicate a MLC, but she's not as manic as one might expect. No fights with me and no drama. She is really ready to move on through the D proceedings.
Should I try to get her to delay the D? To do so, I would have to have a big relationship talk with her, and go a lot of places she doesn't want to go. She is so positive that she is happier now (and actually seems so when with me) I doubt it would do any good. But stopping the D would save much money and heartache for both of us and the kids.
At any rate, my plan is to remain her friend, keep on GAL'ing and PMA. So if she does crash into reality, I am the best option she will have left. Wishful thinking.
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
