I think a lot of the books you read give a little different advice. Some work better than others in certain situations, and sometimes they work better at certain times in the relationship. The difficult thing is figuring out what to do when.
Ultimately, it does come down to the M or the A. But how that plays out isn't necessarily thru an ultimatum. If you start working on you, stay busy, GAL, meet new friends, become a lot less available, and decide to not do certain things with your W because of her involvement of an affair, that is a lot like the ultimatum without actually saying it.
I recommend Dobson because of the self respect aspect. You have to decide what you're willing to live with. Sometimes I think of it in terms of my kids....what would you want your son or daughter to do in your sitch? Think about that hard because they are watching you.
Your W seems to be in the middle....at least right now. She's not committed to killing the A and protecting your M, but she's not quite ready to let you go either. My W was exactly the same and it went on a long long time because I was afraid if I stood firm on how I felt, she would leave. Eventually, my self-respect won out and I asked for the D and even pushed for it. Only then did my W start seeing things differently. Only then do I think she respected me for standing for our M and what it's supposed to mean.
