you're nice to say it. i do actually feel like i'm a swell companion, life - mate, etc. it's just - who gets to be the lucky recipient. i have analyzed self & world & sitch & r tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo darn much. i'm having permission from self to just be "inert" for the moment because honestly- you talk about spinning wheels. i've spun myself in to such a hole of psychoanalysis i can't even see "up" some days.
it's got to stop- i need to regain some composure if i'm not going to explode. this mother junk is a major snaggle in my road. it's got to be somehow normalized before i can proceed with any darn thing.
or so it feels. working is very darn good- neutral time where i earn money- get around new tons of people- laugh & DO NOT THINK one single minute about h or mother.
that is a major good thing in my existence.
the worry over future- i'm workin at keeping it at bay- it's there lurking in the edges tho. how long- how drastic - what if this or that - who is going where when, etc.
not optimum. maybe in life i'm more of a "reactor" than an actor. i may be lazy - or uninspired or wise or prudent or who knows what???
i'm all of the above i'm sure. until i "know my way" i'm very unlikely to DO anything big or sudden. it's just who i am. some days it's sickening, my endurance. and for what? i'm askin ya???
then i realize any big old gesture would merely be for the moment of bravado or "revenge" - then the moment would pass, and i'd be old me sitting here thinking i could have/should have been more prepared, prudent, stealthy, whatever.
BUT HEY every day (and there are alot lately) that i do not feel like a total pile of you-know what, and do not have "the fog", or AAAAAANGER - OUT OF CONTROL - i think is a good one at this point.
i'm not askin for that much in life - but it's something i can't just "go get" rite now. that is the REAL problem.
impatience. oh well huh???alive, sane, healthy , nice, etc.
i guess i'll take it.
xxo i'm tired from work- these kids are nuts - but fun too i guess- or at least entertaining..... at the highschool for three days -
