In and out of fog city

[2ndtimearoundCA]

She actually said to me "I need someone to take care of me" last night. She said this to me while we were married too. She felt this way before she met me and will likely continue to feel this way for a long time. I am not sure how much of the "take care of me" is a desire to be financially supported and how much is an emotional need.

She doesn't want to have to work so hard, and I don't blame her. She would be better off financially if we were together and she could take an easier lower paying job. But I can't completely support her financially.

If she means by "take care of me" that she wants somebody else to be responsible for her happiness then clearly she will have to wait a long time. If she needs emotional support, then I could provide that.

[Pudmuddle]

Unconditional love doesn't mean you take care of people.

Unconditional love means you recognize that you aren't willing to give up yourself to save her, so you let her go to fix herself. You can still love her, just from a distance. Loving someone includes allowing them control of their life.

That is awesome labug, I am going to put that in my journal to reread.

[Pudmuddle]

2nd, Did you ask her what "I need someone to take care of me" means to her? Sounds like you were trying to guess what she meant.

That was a perfect opportunity for you to listen and validate, to HEAR exactly what she means.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

2nd, Did you ask her what "I need someone to take care of me" means to her? Sounds like you were trying to guess what she meant.

That was a perfect opportunity for you to listen and validate, to HEAR exactly what she means.

I did not. Maybe I should have. I have assumed it meant financially because that is where I was struggling at time of BD.

I am not sure when I will get another opportunity. I could text her.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Immediately after BD, I did a few typical things that LBS do. I stepped up my housework, was cooking meals from recipes from Sunset Magazine and I doubled my efforts to find better/more work (which was my Ws primary complaint at the time of BD.) The housework efforts lasted two weeks or less. As soon as my w started leaving the house with a packed bag and not telling me where she was going I went dark.

A few things that I never did
1. I never broke down in tears in front of her
2. I never begged or pleaded for her to stay
3. I never used logic to try to convince her to stay
4. I never got angry with her
5. I have not told her that I love her since BD. Early I told her that she was breaking my heart

What I did do
1. I did tell her on two different occasions in the first 6 weeks after BD that I suspected an OM. She denied
2. I did say that I understood that she wanted to leave but that I would prefer that she stayed. (very close to my exact words)

From mid-March thru late April we had very little contact. From May until now we have had pretty consistent friendly contact. (mostly a few texts every couple of days) On a few different occasions we may have gone a week to 9 days with no contact.

During our M we rarely went a day without speaking. W always needed a lot of attention compared to other women I have dated. During our last year together I had started following a couple of my favorite sports teams more closely (the SF bay area teams did very well last year). Also right before BD I had gone on a ski trip with friends. I am not sure if these things would have impacted BD.

I don’t feel like I every really chased my W after BD.
Over the past few months W has told me that she will always love me and cherish the time we had together (I did get a ILYBNILWY a few weeks after this statement) She has reached out to me for emotional support. She has seeked me out to spend time with me and blow off steam. And last week she asked me for sex.

So last night she couldn’t follow through with the sex. She was concerned that I would be too emotionally involved. She said that ex-sex could be problematic like that. She said that it would be emotion free for her.

We did hug for a long time. While we were talking she admitted that when things get tough she runs. She told me that when she saw her doctor and got meds she told the doctor that she has had suicidal thoughts. When she finally left the house last night, she said that she was running again. I asked if I would ever see her again and she said that she didn’t know. She did kiss me goodbye (just a peck on the lips). I can’t remember everything we talked about last night, but given the topics of conversation (sex, her running away, wanting to hurt herself), I am sure I said some things I should not have without realizing it. The previous time we saw each other, she text me saying she missed spending her nights with me. This time I got nothing.

W ran from her first marriage and now she is running from me. I believe that she has been in MLC mode since she left her first M. I have a hard time believing that W’s path will lead her back to me if I go dark for a long period of time. She won’t go back to her first H who has been M for 10+ years and has small children with his new W. I can give her space to fix herself, but she won’t. She has nobody in her life to give her support. No close family; no close friends. She is reaching out to me and pushing me away at the same time.

How can I offer her my support?

[labug]

Did you read my post above?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Yes, thank you bug. It sounds like good advice. I just don't know. And I don't think I should ignore someone who talks about suicide. She may be reaching out for help.

[AnotherStander]

She told me that when she saw her doctor and got meds she told the doctor that she has had suicidal thoughts.

That's not that unusual when someone is in depression. The more important question is have those thoughts gone away now that she's on med's?

When she finally left the house last night, she said that she was running again.

Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. The WAS can change from day-to-day and even hour-to-hour. She may feel completely different today, or tomorrow, or next week.

The previous time we saw each other, she text me saying she missed spending her nights with me. This time I got nothing.

Drop the expectations!

W ran from her first marriage and now she is running from me.

I don't think she's running away, she just needs some space. Running away would be dropping ALL contact, leaving her life behind and moving to Mexico or something crazy like that.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thank you AS. You, bug, MrCas, fly, and others alway offer great insights. I always greatly appreciate the help. I really do hope to pay it forward someday.

On Tuesday night I did try to get w to open up about her meds. I am familiar with some and asked her what she was taking. She said she didn't know. She just called them her happy pills.. I encouraged her to keep with them and stay happy... She is not happy, but hopefully the meds help a little.

I will continue to try to stay present in her life. We had no contact yesterday. I may text her a joke or something funny today. She seems to respond positively when I send "entertaining" texts.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I believe that my situation took a pretty big setback on Tuesday. Yesterday I sent my w a random text about something that had happened to me during my day.. I am currently teaching at a local college and I was set to give exams. I got the exams printed at the college print ship and when I opened the packet I had another instructor's materials.. (I was able to recover the situation, but it got a little crazy) Anyway I messaged my w about this since we have been pretty friendly lately. I thought she might be entertained. But mostly I did this as a bit of a litmus test. I wanted to see how much space she would take after she said she was running again when she left Tuesday night. I did not get a response.

Reflecting back on Tuesday, I realize that once we got back to the house and things got a little weird, I likely came across as clingy or needy and I probably did a poor job validating. I will learn from my mistake and hope to get another chance. I need to be very patient because it may take months to get things back to where they were last week.

Now I will wait a week before I try to make contact again.