Time and Tide

[TSquared2]

Hi FY...I get the same...one day or week kinda sorta like normal, next all modesty...such a spin cycle, makes Maytag look like amateurs...

Just lead yourself back to detachment, don't take it personally...she's trying to maintain that buffer zone. Can you see a pattern? With my W, seems that after some time of getting along well, good vibes and such, that she will retreat, withdraw, put that wall back up (though it seems its getting lower these days). I am guessing that when things go well, maybe they start moving towards us, and that scares them (still), because they still aren't sure, about much of anything. They don't want us "moving back in", yet...

I'm going to quote you from some advice I received recently from UR, hope it helps, I think some of it is definitely applicable to your sitch...

You may see some strange stuff from her....Doesnt happen with all of them, but often enough to bear mentioning to you. This last push is hard for them. Reconciling all the things they need to . What brought them into the tunnel, what they want to keep from what they've discovered, how they want their life to look going forward. And it comes out in strange ways sometimes. So, strap yourself in with a heavy duty belt, my friend. Keep steady.

Hang in there, keep steady...tomorrow is yet another day

[uRworthy]

Hi FY. I understand how frustrating it can get. Im sorry, my friend.

The thing is, that you will be the last person she will reconnect with. It just seems to be how this goes.

I think that you want to see big, glaring indications that she is moving closer and that doesnt happen either.

I feel that her redoing the bedroom is great. I think that the two of you planning to redo the office, also significant.

But she hasnt really done what she needs to, that can be seen at least, to address some stuff from her youth.

Maybe she is working through all this, though.

In a MLC, there is alot of reconciling that needs to be done. Who are they now? What do they want? What changes that they've made do they want to keep?

They often have to revisit for a bit, each stage that they have reconciled. Often, they go back around and through them before they can shut the door on them forever.

I dont really see that from your wife. But I do see that she is trying to figure stuff out.

You have come so far, and I know that you love her so much. I think you can dig in for awhile longer.

And then think about possibly doing something a little different. Probably more for your sake.

[Cadet]

It still seems I'm more likely to end this limbo than she is.

Most LBS's do.
After all depressed people barely have the strength to do anything.

W hides to change clothes, and it hurts me. I normally leave for work before she gets up, but my work hours have temporarily changed, so that now we will be preparing for work at the same time. Today, I walked into the master bedroom to tell her something just as she was pulling up her pants. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. I carried on like normal, made my comments and did not acknowledge the rude body language.

Sounds so typical of a young teenager.

Do you think any of this says anything for the chance of W signing back up for the M?

Nope.

I guess I'm looking for more hope of a favorable outcome.

I think for that answer you need to stop looking at her, and look within.
You hold the key to that, not her.

Oh and one last bit of advice, things always get worse before they get better.

You are doing fine FY!

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks CP, T2, uR, and Cadet!

I went to my meditation meet up group last week. It's been months since I've joined them. It was a nice change of pace.

I'm winding down on my online course, "Get Funny". Printed out all my lessons and assignments. Considering taking "Navigating Divorce" next. Will also be attending the next divorce support group meet-up.

I decorated the front yard for Halloween. Jokingly told W "I hope the squirrels know that indian corn is for decorating, not eating".

I worked at a charity event in my town on Saturday. Lots of goods and services were donated to people on low income. Food, clothes, medical services, haircuts, financial and legal advice, and much more. My contribution was working the bicycle repair booth. 7 hours of non-stop action! It was fun and fulfilling.

I also started looking for an individual therapist for myself. I know many folks here have felt it helps them work through their stuff, so I figure I should give it a whirl. My closest buddy also recommended it. He’s working on his masters degree in psychology, and has worked with troubled school kids for many years. I get to bounce my thoughts off him on occasion, all for the price of a meal. Afterwards we put on our sparring gear and pound each other!

W is considering signing up with the same health club GF uses. This is good, because after going all out with the exercising in the beginning of her crises, she has cut way down and does little now.

I continue to give W plenty of space and just do my own thing.

The vets tell us we will know for certain when we are done. While I'm sure this is true, I also have to believe that before we get to that point we will bounce back and forth plenty. Maybe like I've been doing?

Cadet says I hold the key. Hopefully a wise IC can help me better stabilize myself. Damn the person who invented MLC!

[uRworthy]

Hey FY, thats great wife might go to the gym. It will help her, I think.

And good for you for going to a therapist. I dont know where I would be if it werent for mine. She is amazing. Nice to bounce stuff off of someone who isnt emotionally invested at all.

It is true, you will know when you are done. There will be no more bouncing around when you are absolutely sure. Just steely resolve.

So, there isnt anything wrong with being unsure. All part of the process.

Some really nice GALing, my friend. Good on you.

Sounds like you have some stuff in place. I like.

[AJM]

Psychotherapy and a workout? Can't beat that with a stick!

The vets tell us we will know for certain when we are done. While I'm sure this is true, I also have to believe that before we get to that point we will bounce back and forth plenty. Maybe like I've been doing?

That's exactly right. It's been my experience, both for myself and watching others, that is exactly how it works. And you'll think you're done and then... won't be. It helps if you have no contact, but often that's not the way it happens. I disagree with the resolve part - I think it'll be more like, "no more" and then "and? why should I care?" rather than the current, "why do I still care?" It's a process and it takes a long time and a lot of steps. As one person once put it, "forgiveness. It's your ticket out of he**" It releases you from the burden of it all and it can and should be done regardless of what she's doing.

You'll get there. You have a lot of moxy

Peace,
AJ

[uRworthy]

Since I rarely, if ever, disagree with AJ, I had to think about what I wrote.

I am going to say that I am sticking with it. I think often one does reach a resolve at some point. In which they know they have done their very best, and that they choose their next step on the journey. But yes, it is a process. No absolute ways of going through it.

Still love ya, AJ.

[ForeverYoung]

Psychotherapy and a workout? Can't beat that with a stick!

Actually, sometimes we do use sticks! (as in bamboo shinais)

You'll get there. You have a lot of moxy

Peace,
AJ

AJM, Thanks so much for your comments and for checking in on me. I don't want to be done, I really don't... at least not today!

So check this out. Regular followers know that my wife normally informs me of where she's going, and often tells me a few details after her time out. Sometimes even shows me pics on her iPad. Since she's off work tomorrow to be at home for the carpet installation in her bedroom, she decided to go out and meet up with her friends tonight.

When she came home she told me what seemed like all the details of her night out. Who was there, what they said, all the jokes, etc. Just kept going on and on. There was plenty of laughing as she told me about the conversations. No way she could've made this stuff up.

As happy as this makes me, of course I can't help but think one or two of these guys would love to hook up with her, (they're all older than her and D... and she's hot!) even if that's not what she's out for.

Just another reason to keep my training up. I pity the fool...

W also was confirmed today for her Riviera Maya trip with my sister. This is a highly discounted, four night all inclusive vacation in a very nice resort. They leave in two and a half weeks. Nice perk from her company.

[reachingHigher]

Hi FY!

Thanks for the update. You are doing so well!

I was thinking about you and W yesterday as I was musing on some of the things that H bought while he was out on his own. He completely outfitted his apartment with items from home and things he had bought. He seemed so happy when I would visit him there -- sweeping his own floor with his broom, making his meals, etc.

At the time I thought it was totally frightening for our M like ... why would he ever want to come back? And he assured me how happy he was -- and at times he did look that way.

Looking back, I realize it was a place he had to go. A place to become just "him" however he envisioned it.

Back to your W. After she gets the bedroom done and feels she has a place to become just "her" -- a new "her" factoring in all the changes she has been through -- I can totally see a scenario where she might want to court you again. Not saying if it will happen or not...but from a woman's perspective it could happen.

I think your W is loving the attention while out. Who wouldn't? My H was surrounded constantly with beautiful D women who would love nothing better than snagging him for a H or taking him to bed. And the FB comments confirmed this -- I wasn't imagining it.

My GF said about my H "he is in the best shape of his life, has lots of extra time and $--why would be ever come back?" (I had to distance myself from her for a while.)

But there's a time that loneliness sets in. Longing for something more permanent, loving and lasting than a few dances, a few drinks, uncertain future, and a helluva lot of baggage from previous broken R's.

I applaud you for hanging on, FY. You're doing great!!!!!

rH

[RosaLinda]

FY "As happy as this makes me, of course I can't help but think one or two of these guys would love to hook up with her, (they're all older than her and D... and she's hot!) even if that's not what she's out for."

Of course these guys might like to hook up with your hot W, Forever. I'm sure there are chicks at your job and elsewhere who would like to hook up with YOU. But I look at it this way -- if your W had any intention in the world of hooking up, if it even crossed her mind, she would not share the photos and stories with you. She would hug the knowledge to herself in that dreaded secretive MLC way, and not let you know anything about it. Look at the difference in her attitude. Even the Riviera Maya trip with your sister - she'll be with your SISTER, who would be sure to "tattle" on her for any untoward behavior. Hooking up is far from W's mind, believe me! I don't think you have anything to worry about my friend!