A Fresh, New Day

[MileHigh]

Sorry P. Just hope you feel a bit better after a good cry. That's what they're for. It's ok not to be strong sometimes. And it's good that you went to a good place to do it. Nobody can fault you for that.

I've been feeling a bit week lately too. With W not living here, I only have to be brave via text or on weekends.

Hang in there!

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks MH. I appreciate the sweet message. It's good to know someone cares.

After I cried, really good, I got up and got dressed and went out for a loooong walk. Yes, it's nighttime here and very dark outside. I talked and babbled to myself all the way, good thing no one was out they woulda though I was cray-cray. I then sat under a pine tree and watched the stars and contemplated my life right now. It was good. But I'll tell ya if you want to get rid of how badly you are feeling, go for a walk outside when its REAALLY dark. You will end up being so spooked by shadows and and noises in the dark that your problems seem to be overcome by fear. LOL.

After I returned, everyone was in bed. I went to the kitchen to grab some advil and my H actually came out of his bedroom and said "you ok, did you go for a walk?" I said "yeah, I'm fine" (oops with a little bit of snippy in my tone), so I added real quick and very sweetly "Thank you for asking".

I'm feeling just a bit better now.

[MileHigh]

I have done my share of nocturnal walking. It probably is best not talk to yourself too loudly when doing it. Did a little walking after dark tonight, in fact.

[planet]

Way before BD, W caught me talking to myself a number of times and she thinks i have a problem. The first time i was embarrassed about it because she said that is not normal. Following that, i denied doing it because i didn't want her to think i'm a having a 'problem'.
I like to 'word' out my thoughts and i think i'm ok with it. i don't suppose i'm crazy, am i?
What do you think?

[Pudmuddle]

Personally, I think it's probably more normal than anyone would think, planet. I often caught my H talking to himself, although he mouths the words so no one else can really hear it. Some people can think in their heads and some people prefer to speak it out. Your W was probably trying to break your spirit by telling you it wasn't normal. Don't fret over it.

[Pudmuddle]

So today I awoke feeling a tad stronger, only a tad. I went downstairs before S left for school and before H left for work. I spoke with my S, said Good morning cheerfully and did not wait for his reaction, or even look to see if he was being grumpy. I then told him a shirt he had on looked nice on him. He still didn't answer much but I did not take it personal. Yay me.

I also said Good morning to H after he got out of his shower. Then we spoke about some logistical things. I then rubbed his back and said Have a nice day. I didn't wait for an answer or expect anything, even though he said ok, you too.

I'm slowly learning not to base my feelings off of his, or my teenage S for that matter, lol.

I left feeling better about me. Oh well, another day in the twilight zone.

[JayMan]

Pud, I talk out loud all the time in the car, I like to hear how it'll sound when it comes out. Of course, I try to only do in the car or something!

Nice PMA this morning!

[Dragon Heart]

I'm sorry to hear about recent events. I know how hard it is to have one person turn away from you. I can't imagine two. All I can say is, when we don't have anyone we can reach out to at a moment of crisis, everything just spills over. As much as we would like to avoid it, it is normal and necessary, but also personal and private. I always feel like hell when I'm in the midst of it, but feel better for a few hours or days afterwards.

I have also done the middle of the night neighborhood walk. It was before W moved out, but sleeping separately. It was cold. However, I didn't feel a thing because I had a buzz going. (BTW, drinking is not something I am prone to. It was my response when I did not have any mechanism for coping.) While I no longer walk at night, I do walk regularly as it helps with my PMA.

As for talking to no one in particular, I talk to my cat. Sometimes she even responds. How crazy is that?

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks Dragon for the kind words. It is very hard to have two people you love so much making it feel like they are giving up on you. But the walk definitely did help as this morning I was determined to have PMA. Also my mini-meltdown helped relieve some stress.

One of the things I've always feared is someone I love dearly giving up on me, so I will NOT do that to someone I love. It's an awful, awful feeling so I would never dream of doing that to someone else.


I've found myself talking to one of my dogs, because he loves my H and even he is being needy with my H, because he basically does not play with or love him like he used to. Sad. So I tell him it will be alright soon and I take him for LOTS of walks/jogs.

[Maritimer]

Meltdowns really helps relieve stress, after a good cry I always feel better. Like I hit a reset button.

Happiness is a choice. Always remember that. You have to wake up and decide that you are going to be happy that day. If things in your life make you unhappy you have to decide to deal with them or change them. That is what DB does for us.

Last night I went for a drive with my dog, all windows down singing cheezy 80's music to the top of my lungs. I was happy.

Our dog use to be the center of my W world, now she can care less about him. She wanted to send him to the SPCA. I couldn't believe how she could love him to pieces for so many years then just give up on him so suddenly. I could not do that, it was hard to find an apartment that took dogs when we split. My dog was always my buddy but he is so much more special to me now. He listens to me and is a great motivator for exercise.