A Fresh, New Day

[JayMan]

Don't feel bad - I feel like I'm JUST starting to figure out detaching; however, I had to go through some forced "dim" time to sort of wrench myself away from the co-dependency.

I feel like now I can probably start working on being as AS describes:

DETACHED:
H happy- you happy. H sad- you happy. H angry- you happy.

Again, JUST dipping my toe in...

However, I have done something with the kids or friends for four nights in a row - even if it's just watching football, and many times when I really just wanted to go home and sit on the couch. Tonight, I'm going to just work on cleaning the house, and grocery shopping.

What are you doing for yourself?

[jp787]

lovemyhub,

I'm curious how you got your H to breakthrough to you as far as not running away when things get tough. My H does the exact same thing, instead of even thinking the remote possibility that he could work at something he runs! He has done this since he was 17, got angry at his parents, so he found a job in the mountains and moved out, w no regret. Just like now.

Make it safe for him to talk, just listen and hear him. Ultimately this is something he will have to find for himself. I too ran or walked away from conversations, in my head I already played them out and it was a conflict. Not fair to me or my W. I am now mindful of how vital communication is. It is a choice I make.

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks jp, that helps. I need to keep reminding myself to make it safe for him to want to speak.

Nice to hear it from someone who actually did the same thing.

[Pudmuddle]

So in reading 5LL, not all of it yet, I see that my H is an Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. How do I do those if he won't talk or touch me????

LOL! Before you all beat me up I'm just kidding here. I still have more to read.

Just trying to find happiness in my day.

Someone once told me 6 years ago, Cultivate your own peachiness.

[jp787]

Knowledge of what his LL are is something that you now have for when the opportunity arises

I actually send the 5 LL in an email to my W, just the five choices and asked her to rank them. She didn't know where they were from and I wasn't sure if she would, but she did and they were different than I thought, just sayin.

[Pudmuddle]

I would try to send him the list but he is not in receiving mode right now.

I am going to do small tests to see what kind of response I get on what I think are is LL's. I think I know what they are from the last time.

I'm going to practice being more loving in my response's instead of replying with something that comes across as negative.

[Pudmuddle]

Oh and another interesting thing, he has always done Acts of Service for me, which is not my LL. So I know this one is important to him too.

[Dragon Heart]

I also read the 5LL. It came as quite a revelation to me that we do not define love the same way and yet should have been painfully obvious. I know for me it is quality time. For my W (based on my responses for her and her behavior), it seems words of affirmation are important at work, but acts of service at home. You know you can complete the test online? Perhaps an email if the opportunity should arise.

[Pudmuddle]

I was doing really well today, feeling really good. Being happy just for me. And then...

My H came home from kb and karate, I had gone down to kb earlier myself and come home before him, and I told him I had gotten a shirt for our S to have his class pics retaken. Then I told H I was going to bed as I was tired. I gave him a hug and it was again very halfhearted on his part. Then I went over to my S to say goodnight and he just grunted, I asked him what was the matter and he said angrily 'nothing'. Then I tried to hug and kiss S goodnight and he turned away just like his father does! I whispered to him don't do that. And he just kept refusing me. Damn I hate this. It's hard enough to get that from my H, but now from my S?? It seems like he is mimicking his father's behavior. Seriously??? I know I should not take it personal from a teenager but I am SO DAM TIRED of allowing them to make me feel like crap. I honestly feel like I should just move out and they BOTH would be happier. this really s$cks!!!

I'm just venting here instead of bursting into tears and showing my mood to them.

[Pudmuddle]

I went into my room and fell apart, I started crying and can't stop. I am so not strong right now. I want the hurt to stop. What has happened to my family???