I have not posted in a long time. I was trying to take a break, spend more time with the kids and have been traveling. D19 and D16 both play soccer.
I have kept up with other threads but just didn't post. Just trying to keep my sanity.
A lot has been going on, mostly negative. I told H I was done. We have not yet moved toward d. Then I read a bunch of articles about the affects on the kids of both affairs and divorce and I thought I would sit tight.
H went on a trip with OW and the kids found out and were not happy. He told me about it, of course I wasn't happy. He said he was breaking it off with her but he needed the time away. He said "stress free" time and that he wasn't going to be answering his phone. Of course this is after multiple times he has said he broke it off. I can't count how many times.
Since he didn't answer his phone the kids were mad. Boiling mad. H was mad because he said since he told the truth no one should be mad at him. Ok, did he forget the fact he was with OW? Before he left he told me "you might lose the battle but you will end up winning the war". What is that supposed to mean. H said it might look likeI lost him but his new counselor he thought was going to get him on the right track. He said that new c told him to dump OW. Ok so did old C.
I totally relapsed as far as detaching though. When he was gone when he said "I won't answer my phone because I am starting my stress free weekend". I'm thinking WTF, being with her that you are supposed to dump is stress free? Then he added a day to his trip. I couldn't help myself and made a couple of snide remarks.
That was the start of what is still a mess. The oldest told him it was her or OW. Apparently he picked OW. He has not tried to reach out to them and things are getting progressively worse. D16 had already done this so in her eyes he had already ditched D16.
Against what I told her D21 face book messaged OW and basically told her off. I repeatedly told her please don't stoop to her level. OW said some things which were totally inappropriate. I text h and told him to ring OW in. D might have started it but OW needs to knock it off then D will. Finally it has stopped.
OW has contacted me 3 times in the past but I have not contacted her. I refuse to stoop to her level. My kids are soooo hurt.
D21 and I had a very strained relationship for several years. It is nice that we are doing great right now. She has totally forgiven me for things she thinks I did to her and understands now that I was just trying to get her on the right track. She has gone to bat for me because she said she thinks what her dad is doing is completely wrong and lying and having an affair is not a good role model for your kids.
It made me cry to think that she would stick up for me knowing our past. I told all of my girls that they need to talk to their dad. They need both a mom and a dad. All while h and ow keep bashing me. It just makes me look that much better.
H thinks since I didn't approve of him going on his little weekend with OW and I text him a couple of things (mostly about important things) that I haven't changed. I told him "just because I don't approve of your affair doesn't mean I haven't changed". The girls have continued to tell him that I have changed and how would he know because he doesn't live there.
He keeps blaming me for the way they think even though they keep telling him that they have minds of their own. I just keep telling the girls that they need their dad in their life. They tell me yes they do need their dad in their life but not this one. I have explained to them what he is going through. They say that he still doesn't have to treat us this way.
D21 has asked to go to counseling. She has had issues with depression off and on and she wants to hit this head on. I think this is very adult of her. She is very hurt because her and h were very close.
I think he has totally slipped back I guess into replay if he was further. I don't really know where he was. I don't know if he is just going to keep going to new c and not do what they say? They all say he needs to cut off all contact if he wants to get better. What is the hold on her? He said to both me and D21 that she is crazy but he keeps going back.
Sometimes I think H will never get through mlc. Just when I think he is peeking out he goes back to being a jerk. Some days he was like old H then bam the jerk comes back out.
How long does that go on? Will they ever see what they are doing to their family? The kids are devastated. His mother is devastated but won't say much to him still because she doesn't want to push him away and to OW. H's dad is not doing well, his dementia has gotten progressively worse and has fallen a couple of times. At least that is keeping him at his parents and not OW.
At this point I really don't care about me. I am worried about the girls. Even though they are older they are being hit hard. H was a very good Dad and now they feel like they have no Dad at all. I just want to be there for them and do things to try and keep their mind off it.
D16 and I will be traveling this weekend so hopefully we'll get to spend some quality time together but that will only be in the car. They spend most of the other time with the team.
D19 doesn't know much of what is going on except what she knew before she left for college. We don't tell her what's going on because she has enough stress right now. The other 2 live at home so they are in the middle of it. They are hurt that he never tries to see them. I get that.
I don't have any hope for me and h but I want the girls to have a relationship with their dad. I have read that I need to stay out of it and let him face the consequences which is what I have been doing but of course he still blames me. Everything is still my fault. For a while he saw he had problems but now its all my fault again. OW told D21 that too.
Sorry I was all over the place and unorganized. I had so much to say to bring you current. I think if H wouldn't have said he was going to go on this trip that ditch her and work on "us" I was doing good. I was moving on. I think it's because it has been going on so long I'm tired of limbo land. At the same time I care so much about my girls and their well being.
I know I need to be hit over the head. I think I slipped when H slipped.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
