NEW LIFE / NEW ME - TAKING OFF!

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

There has been something I've been watching closely. I've seen how it has become easier for you to not see her face to face. However, I am concerned you may have come to a point of wanting to avoid her...hoping to bypass conversations where you are not confident in answering her questions.

IMO, a man cannot present himself in a confident, manly manner if he cannot hold eye contact. There are several negatives related to not keeping eye contact.

Act and speak with confidence!

I have this eye-contact, self-confidence, awkward feeling/problem around her and her only!
I am a happy smiling guy and since I finally understood the GAL-issue some time ago I feel I have done quite well in this area. It hasn’t been that much the last 3-4 weeks but that’s mainly because of the surgery. I have changed my exterior quite a lot: New haircut, new teeth and new style in clothing. I am working me and feeling good about it.
….but you are still totally right: I need to be able to show her a confident man, living and enjoying life as a man and as a farther! The best about this is that this is who I strive to become and the worst part is that I still have to act-as-if in several matters especially around her.

I am trying to avoid her! I do not feel good around her! Last time was the best since LRT started.
I totally agree on the eye-contact! A part of my job is coaching sales-people so I do get you but the confidence is my problem! The better I understand all of me, all of this and my sit the more confidence I built and I will get better in time.

I had hoped that you could hold out until she invited you to meet with her, without the kids.

Just tell me to hold out– then I will!!
I have no problem turning her request down and just add patience.
She is building up steam these weeks but I am not afraid of her or her reactions and at the same time it will be easier for me to hold this for a while longer. I am still getting stronger every day and I hope to be rid of the bacteria in 10 days or so. Then I can start exercising and stand taller. (I am not well at all! Tomorrow they will properly judge if I need a second surgery)

“Well, isn’t that’s what we are”

I felt good about this one as well – I have been walking eggshells for so long and it felt good to just state my opinion in one simple sentence. No validating, no carefulness, no nothing – just my true and honest opinion. I wasn’t trying to put her down or anything – it just came out of me because that’s how I feel and interpret the situation. I was totally natural stating this and that also made me feel good. When I left her place I even caught myself thinking that I need to this a little more often.

Yes, she is beginning to get angry. I told you to expect it. However, (as I have already pointed out the reasons)...if she is not seeing you as a confident man who is busy spending time GAL, then you are not gaining ground by declining her invitations. If she sees you in any other light other than a free, attractive, happy, confident man...(who has been unavailable to her)...then, you aren't accomplishing your goal. See what I mean? You need to be all those things.

You sure did tell me and I am expecting that! The part you wrote about her being a MAJOR cake-eater is so obvious to me now. I understand it, I believe I see the why, the how and it all. That’s a good feeling because this takes away confusion and that a major enemy to me (and something I will have to work on). I need to understand before I can act with confidence – that why I have turned into this little babbling boy around her! What I need is to put the focus 100% on me and I am getting closer and closer towards this these weeks.
I haven’t told her anything about what I have been up to – but she knows a lot! Mutual friends and children’s keep her informed.
I do see what you mean and I am working hard on all issues. I feel I have grown a lot, but I still have A LOT of work to do!

You may receive advice that does...or does not agree with me. Don't let it bog you down in fear of doing the wrong action, b/c you'll end up just avoiding everything. If you are guided by fear instead of confidence, she will not respond in a good way.

I think the fact that others chime in on this is so good for several reasons. It gives different perspectives, new ideas, new thoughts and so on – but at the same time it challenges the path I have chosen and every path should be challenged. As I see DB/DR they can be interpreted in a lot of ways – the big lines are pretty solid but from there on you have to choose. All the caring people in here are on the same big line but all have their personality, their beliefs, religion, experience…etc… that’s one of the reason this forum is a darn good place to be!
I will make my own calls but as I have already told you I am following your advice pretty strictly until I tell you otherwise and I am not even close to being there! I am not guided by fear but I am moving ahead with caution and patience.

Since she said it could be at your place or "anywhere", why don't plan to have them over to your house. You have made a lot of changes around there since she's left. I think it would be a good time to let her see. Don't point anything out to her. Trust me, she'll notice everything that's different.

Few questions to this one:
So forth everything has turned out more or less exactly as you predicted but are you absolutely sure this should be done now?
I ask this because I am not! I understand what AS and T wrote but I am not sure this is the time. Last time I saw her and children was on aug. 13 for breakfast. She has asked several (6 +/- 1) times since then about us doing something together. I told her that we couldn’t be friend’s aug. 21
If I get back to her and tell her that I do not believe this is the time for a get-to-gether she will properly get angry. I am not out to make her angry or pi$$ her off but to me – right now – that’s her feeling to deal with. I am feeling better and better every day and I still don’t believe this will do the children any good right now. They are adjusting right now and family time will risk setting them back!
Writing this – I feel like stating exactly this to W! (W, I don’t think this is the time for a get-to-gether! The children are adjusting to their new life and right now I fear the risk of setting them back. She will ask why and try to argue!)

I will still follow your advice but this one I need to understand this! Why now?

If it should be done then I do not feel like her coming to my home yet!
This is my home but it doesn’t look like that yet. It is true I have done a lot but I still need to do more! As an example the old tag with our names is still on the door. I have ordered a new one but delivery is 4-6 weeks so still 3 or so to go. I am also working heavily on some old oak-planks turning them into table and shelves in the kitchen!
At the same time you have to know that the changes I made are for me! She will hate several of them!

If we are to meet up I would like to do it on neutral grounds and with a deadline meaning that something will happen and break up the party after a certain amount (few hours) of time. It could be a meet up on a Wednesday before D6 attending GS. It could be a café with cake and hot drinks or something like that. A movie on a Saturday afternoon and then home (alone) for dinner. I could tell her to find a good movie and we could see it all together at the cinema.

Christmas

We are going to prepare for that subject now.

What to do?
I need to do something about this matter as soon as possible. It is blowing in the wind right now and that means I can’t make any appointments – I want this dealt with. I am not certain how W looks at this anymore – but she has stated several times that we should spend Christmas evening together. I even think she stated her staying here over night from 24 to 25 – long time ago. Same goes for New Year.


Finally I want you to know that I get your points about the low voice.

Thanks

F