NEW LIFE / NEW ME - TAKING OFF!

[sandi2]

Sorry I'm just getting back to the subject at hand. I'd like to respond to a few statements made by others, in hopes of clarifying your recent actions.

You thought carefully before deciding to back off and go "dim" with your W. You started doing it, and have held back b/c of my advice. Once you actually turned down one of her invitations, you were pleasantly surprised by how you felt about it. Then, you realized you were becoming stronger during the period of absence with your W.

There has been something I've been watching closely. I've seen how it has become easier for you to not see her face to face. However, I am concerned you may have come to a point of wanting to avoid her...hoping to bypass conversations where you are not confident in answering her questions.

That is one reason I addressed the tone of voice to use when talking to her. You have said several times that you are careful to speak in a low voice, but when I read where you've had difficulty making eye contact for a significant period...that concerned me. IMO, a man cannot present himself in a confident, manly manner if he cannot hold eye contact. There are several negatives related to not keeping eye contact. A lot of people who lie cannot look you straight into your eyes....and hold contact. An indecisive person usually has trouble holding eye contact. A shy, timid, non-confident person can't do it. It is hard to take a man seriously if he can't hold eye contact. So, that is just a few examples of why it's important for you to overcome this problem you have with her. I believe it is b/c you feel so unsure and are afraid of making a mistake that it is hindering your progress. You even said that you didn't have a problem with other people, yet you feel awkward around your W.

F, I understand that you are trying to stay away from your W and make her learn to miss you, but I think if she continues to ask to spend time together and you continue to refuse that it will be detrimental to your sitch.

Your W (F's W) does need to miss you, however that is only part of the reasons I had for you to back off from accepting her invitations. She had a highly unrealistic view point of what life after the breakup would be. She was one of the biggest cake eaters I've seen, and she wanted her largest slices of cake from "family time". So, the point was not only to present the opportunity for her to miss you, but to show her that life is not the same for the family after the breakup. As long as you were doing all these family nights together (or whatever she wanted to do), why would she ever see that her plan to leave you was not good? If she continued to have more of the same...then why would she change her direction?

I have expressed MHO's about the buddy-buddy system after S and how it can easily cause the state of limbo to continue....b/c the WAW is living on cake. She has to see her way was not the best way. It's not fun. It's not the same as being together. And, the family is ripped apart....thanks to her decision.

I had hoped that you could hold out until she invited you to meet with her, without the kids. But, she was not asking to spend time together (just the two of you). She was wanting the kids to see the two of you together for a few hours. She wanted fake family time. Again, she has an unrealistic view that if the kids can believe you all are still one big happy family, then they won't be sad.

The DB'ing approach is not to accept all offers, but to accept some and be too busy to accept others. DB'ing is not refusing ALL offers to get together. It sounds like there's some resentment building in your W over this issue. IE, she's not learning to miss you, she's getting angry.

Yes, she is beginning to get angry. I told you to expect it. However, (as I have already pointed out the reasons)...if she is not seeing you as a confident man who is busy spending time GAL, then you are not gaining ground by declining her invitations. If she sees you in any other light other than a free, attractive, happy, confident man...(who has been unavailable to her)...then, you aren't accomplishing your goal. See what I mean? You need to be all those things.

When I read AS's post and put it together with what T said, I felt even stronger toward there being a possibility of you not getting a clear picture or message to her. If she sees you happy in life without her....that's fine. But if she doesn't see it....and thinks you are stumbling around trying to find an excuse not to be around her and the kids, then she will be too angry at the wrong message you are giving her. And therefore, the purpose behind all of this will be lost.

Originally Posted By: T1000
I think it would help grease the wheels for your xmas plans also by accepting an invite. She might start thinking you dislike her as a person.

FWIW, I don't think it would cause her to question you not liking her as a person. I do agree you need to grease the wheels (which was a good point).

I can’t bring up the Christmas subject right now. Todays experience stalled that IMO.

We are going to prepare for that subject now.

I appreciate your advice so much and I understand what you are saying but it also confuses me about what to do.

You may receive advice that does...or does not agree with me. Don't let it bog you down in fear of doing the wrong action, b/c you'll end up just avoiding everything. If you are guided by fear instead of confidence, she will not respond in a good way.

Reading your journal it comes across to me like all she is getting back from you is eye contact, low voice and “Well, isn’t that’s what we are” and very little else.

Maybe it is a matter of interpretation, b/c I read it as a good answer.

The ball is very obviously in your court in regards to doing something with W and the kids.

I will agree......if you won't let all of this get you confused again.

Since she said it could be at your place or "anywhere", why don't plan to have them over to your house. You have made a lot of changes around there since she's left. I think it would be a good time to let her see. Don't point anything out to her. Trust me, she'll notice everything that's different.

Plan it so that it doesn't look like you've gotten into a sweat over the thought of her being at the house. You want to look like a man in charge! Do not make it appear more than what it is...an evening with the kids. Keep it rather short and simple. See how it goes.

Do not bring up the subject of Christmas on the day/night you plan to have them over for fake family time.

Do not discuss anything serious, if she doesn't bring it up. But if she should say something in front of the kids about "still being a family" or stuff like it, then you'll need to plan on a firm chat with her without the children around. Maybe not right then, but soon afterwards. She needs to get things straight about the situation. But the important thing to remember is not to appear as if you don't know what to think or say. You are man who knows his own mind, and you have a purpose and a plan. Act and speak with confidence!