I am definitely struggle with not contacting her. It's amazing how she can be so mean, cold and distant and yet I find her attractive. I definitely got to get my emotions straight here. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she was my first love, the only person I've every been with. You'd think that would have motivated me the first time to make this marriage work but unfortunately I was a fool and made my mistakes.
I'm just going to vent here and pretend I am talking to me wife.
------ Dear wife,
I understand why you are upset and distant from me. You needed me to be strong and to stay postive inspite of our arguing and I did not. I know my smirk remarks really hurt you and I am so sorry for making you feel anything but important. I want you to know that I love you and that I am not giving up on this marriage. I know you are hurting but I know you will pull through. I am rooting for you and above else, I want you to be happy with or without me. Although you do not trust me, I am here if you need me and I will always have your back.
------- I am trying to figure out what happened from the time I first got a divorce (if you read my original posts from 2008 - I was a completely different person - I though I had really changed) up until last spring. How could I change, DB, and become a new person only to revert back to my old self. That is what my wife is so afraid of and quite frankly - so am I. I don't want to be that selfish and mean person. I want to be a person who loves his family, that is humble, gentle, kind, considerate - someone my daughter and wife could be proud of and feel safe/loved. My wife has asked me in the past how can she be assured that I will not go back to my old ways since I did it the last time. I don't have an answer but that is one of the things I am trying to figure out - how can I safeguard myself so that the changes stay permanent this time.
