W and I are scheduled to meet again tonight. Hopefully It will happen. Given last week's conversation, this meeting could go in an interesting direction. I think I will try to avoid all R talk even if w brings it up. I don't think talking about the R is a good idea until w says she wants an R, and even then I think we will need the help of a MC or a relationship building weekend ... Anyway I am getting way ahead of myself.. The way things have gone with her work, and her history of canceling vs following through, the probability of her canceling tonight is about 50%
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Unfortunately I need a bit of professional help here and there is no time today...
Funny, when w and were supposed to go to Vegas, I knew a month in advance. I hired a personal trainer, spent time getting tan and went in for professional manscaping the day before w canceled. ... I still stay in great shape for me... But when it comes to the little details... Those are mostly for a partner ... And she has cried wolf so many times ... I am not as on top of the details as I should be...
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I don't think you should NOT talk about the R if SHE is the one to bring it up. But validate by saying "its going to have to be different this time if theres any chance" and "I'm not sure im quite ready, I still have some work to do on myself before my changes feel that they can be permanent".
Maybe im wrong, but admitting that your not quite there, even if you think you are makes it feel like your trying to understand yourself and the situation from her point of view? a 180?
Good luck, but don't get down if she cancels either, remember, no expectations.
So w and I went out to dinner. And then we came back to the house. She was definitely tempted to be with me but said she didn't think that I could do it without the emotional attachment. I asked if she could ... she said definitely... We talked for a while... Mostly she vented about her work and I did my best to validate... She is not happy.
She needs somebody to take care of her. I don't make enough money to pay all of her bills for her, but she could live here rent free... I am doing ok right now, but I get the feeling she wants more than she thinks I am capable of providing. She may be right. She is chasing a fantasy.. Anyway she admitted that when things get tough she runs. When she finally left, she said that she was running. I get the feeling that we won't have contact again for a while.
Part of me feels like she needs unconditional love and attention more than anything and that I Should not let her go. But that may be the exact opposite of what I should do. If I was giving myself advice I would probably say to go to no contact for a while... But part of me says that I really need to let her know that I will always be here for her... She doesn't have anyone else that truly loves her .. Her mother abandoned her as a child, her father had custody, but was not around and she mostly raised herself. Both of her parents are in her life now, but they both seem to care more about themselves than her...
Anyway... We'll see what happens over the next few days.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Your right she needs somebody to take care of her...........herself. You cant fix that for her.
Unconditional love doesn't mean that you need to take care of her, just support her in the decisions she makes with no judgment.
I still see the "I get the feeling......", Yes she's chasing a fantasy, but its on her to realize there's no such thing. Its an illusion all WAW try to seek, but never find. Put it this way, its about being happy with what you have, not what your not getting in the end.
I also think you also know how dangerous it is to let on that you'll always be there for her. You can say you will always have a spot in your heart for her, and always support her, but you might not be THERE for her. That choice is really not yours.
Your making excuses of why she is the way she is, but lets be honest, until SHE'S ready to address those things about herself theres really no chance anything is gonna change, they may lie dormant for a while, but again they will rear they're ugly head.
Unconditional love doesn't mean you take care of people.
Unconditional love means you recognize that you aren't willing to give up yourself to save her, so you let her go to fix herself. You can still love her, just from a distance. Loving someone includes allowing them control of their life.
Ditto, everything Fly said.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
