I think the best approach for now is just to continue to give her time and space to think.
-PM
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thanks for your responses. I'm not sure if the moderation is permanent or what, so I'm just rolling with it as best I can. It's somewhat frustrating, but I realize I prompted someone to post an email address, and even though I didn't realize it was against the rules, ignorance of the rules is no excuse.
Somewhat frustrating?? lol
I'm free!!!
I asked nicely, posted and said I would bake cookies!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thank you for your responses. She's seems very skittish and uncertain, though I think pieces of the wall may be coming down (slowly). In her words, she still feels lost, directionless, alone, like she's a bad mom, and not sure that she'll ever be okay. These are the same feelings she has had for a very long time, but she has been unwilling to really DO anything to change her situation, so it doesn't surprise me that she's stuck where she is.
(Some life advice: you can't waste time WAITING for things to get better, just MAKE them better. As I tell my children every morning, "Have a great day, but don't WAIT for it to be great...MAKE it great!")
Currently it feels a little bit like I am a piece of clothing that she is trying on to see if it fits. And like women and their clothes, sometimes it fits and sometimes it doesn't.
So, for now, even though she's seemingly schizophrenic on a day to day basis, I won't press forward with anything regarding the R, but I'll stay in tune and responsive.
There are still a few things to take care of that won't be easy (for her). Most notably, telling the kids about the D. It's been 4 months. Again in her words, she has stalled because she is afraid she has made a mistake and doesn't want to tell the kids about the D if we begin to piece (to shelter them from further hurt). So it seems to be very much like post-BD when she said she wanted to try to work on our M, but basically was just waiting for that feeling to come back. And that just doesn't happen.
So perhaps she is apprehensive about telling the kids, and me deciding it's time to tell them - though difficult for her - may release her of that pressure she has put on herself and allow her to feel her real feelings, whatever they are. If that's a realization that she doesn't want a MR with me, then fine - we move on with our lives. If that means she wants to R, then fine - we've got a lot of work to do.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I need to smile more. I should have said, "Thank you for your responses. "
Anyway, regarding my first paragraph from my previous response just a few moments ago, there is just this overwhelming feeling of "What are we doing? This (us) makes sense. You know it. I know it. Yeah, it might be hard. And yeah, it might take some work. But it's worth it!" It's as if we both *know* it's right/best, and each of us knows the other knows it too, but it goes unsaid.
As I have gone through this process and worked on the virtue of patience, I have come up with the following: Patience isn't the absence of action, it is the discipline of preparing and calmly waiting until the time is right to act.
Right now, I don't think the time is right. Even though - based on her feelings - it may be right some of the time, it isn't right all of the time, which simply means it isn't the right time. It needs to be the RIGHT time for the RIGHT reasons. And I'm not expecting a perfect situation or that I may not have to lead things, there is just too much still in the way right now...as *I* see it (she's welcome to tell me differently ).
I DO appreciate all your thoughts and comments. And I've updated my location from "swimming to the other shore". I'm there and have other work to do.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Right now, I don't think the time is right. Even though - based on her feelings - it may be right some of the time, it isn't right all of the time, which simply means it isn't the right time. It needs to be the RIGHT time for the RIGHT reasons.
I agree, she seems to be coming out of the fog but she still has a ways to go. You'll know the time is right if and when she is 100% committed to working on the M. I've seen it over and over again here, when the WAS decides to work on the M there is no wishy-washy stuff, they go "all in". Just be patient and stick to your DB'ing
when the WAS decides to work on the M there is no wishy-washy stuff, they go "all in". Just be patient and stick to your DB'ing
This is where my W is and it scares the he11 out me lol
So AS must be right
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
To clarify, by "schizophrenic" I mean one day she is crying, the next day she seems fine, but told me she cried all day. The next day she'll try and cozy up to me like a wet kitten to a hot brick, and the next we'll talk about separate finances and me moving to our old house and she seems fine with it all. (Days not necessarily in that order.)
XW is actually very reasonable, attractive, considerate, and pretty easy to be around in general. In fact, considering many of the situations I read about here, I have it really easy in that department. This presents its own issues (e.g. deviating from my plan by letting an emotion run me awry), but I shouldn't (and won't) complain.
She is convinced she has to make it on her own, and until she does I don't think she can allow herself to let her guard down to me. So as much as she tells me she misses me and thinks she has made a mistake and can't figure out how to be happy without me, she can't - and won't - try to R with me because that is seen as a failure to her without her success at independence first.
I don't have a problem supporting that. I don't know if I've posted it here, but I've long said that I WANT her to be successful and to be happy. I don't want her to fail...to "learn her lesson" that she can't make it without me and then come crawling back. I don't want that at all.
And when times are tough on her, she lets her guard down and moves closer to me. Then she realizes what she's doing and backs away again. "It's okay, little squirrely...PatienMan isn't going to hurt you."
It just kind of sux that R with me, in her mind, equates to "failure." But it is what it is, so all I can do is be patient (noting my definition in my previous post)...keep working on myself and being the best person I can be.
Onward! Make today great!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
"It's okay, little squirrely...PatienMan isn't going to hurt you."
This cracked me up!
Originally Posted By: PatientMan
It just kind of sux that R with me, in her mind, equates to "failure." But it is what it is, so all I can do is be patient (noting my definition in my previous post)...keep working on myself and being the best person I can be.
I can tell you are working on you! You have a great sense of humor even in the most uncomfortable situations with her. She is still not growing if she still sees you as "the problem". Most unfortunate for her, but you, my friend, are doing AWESOME at being the best you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
"It's okay, little squirrely...PatienMan isn't going to hurt you."
This cracked me up!
Originally Posted By: PatientMan
It just kind of sux that R with me, in her mind, equates to "failure." But it is what it is, so all I can do is be patient (noting my definition in my previous post)...keep working on myself and being the best person I can be.
I can tell you are working on you! You have a great sense of humor even in the most uncomfortable situations with her. She is still not growing if she still sees you as "the problem". Most unfortunate for her, but you, my friend, are doing AWESOME at being the best you.
Ya know, I don't think she sees me as the problem anymore...I really don't. She's having a tough time with herself - and she knows it. What I think *I* represent, though, is the living, breathing, visible image of failure for her. If she feels she "needs" me in any way, well that = FAIL.
So as much as she tells me that she misses me and just can't seem to find happiness without me (all recent, but regular reiterations), it still hurts to have me around because I AM that reminder.
And that's a REALLY tough thing to try and fight. So I think the best way to fight it is to not really fight it at all.
Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
