A Fresh, New Day

[AnotherStander]

As I mentioned in my last thread I was commenting on how my H was spending most of his time nights and weekends at home and then BAMMO! he decided to go 'watch a football game in a sportsbar', at least that was his lie. He didn't return until 11 last night, game was over at 5:30.

Perhaps I missed this from your other thread, but why is this bothering you so much? Do you think he was with an OW? Or just partying with his buddies? If the latter, why is that an issue? How do you know he was lying?

I just commented one word syllables and then when he said Ok, have a good day. I just said Yup. I just felt I couldn't say anything of great length or my emotions would come flying out. Not the best way to handle it but it worked as I reminded myself before I spoke. (kinda a 180)

I'm not sure that's a 180, by your own admission you were indifferent towards him during your depression and so to him this might look like "more of the same" behavior. A 180 might be to project PMA no matter what he's doing or what mood he's in.

So I think I will have to find things to do outside the house instead of being at home. But then I worry about my S and making him feel left out.

You can absolutely involve your S in GAL activities. GAL just means get out and do stuff without your spouse. It can be solo, with your kids, with friends, with family, or even with new people you don't know.

[AnotherStander]

My problem is I'm doing way too many somethings. Someday, I swear, I am going to *finish* something. LOL.

I had some friends that were married and one time the W told me about her H "he does the most amazing first 90% of any project you've ever seen. He's fast, efficient and does really high quality work. Unfortunately the last 10% never gets done unless we hire someone else to do it." LOL! What was really hilarious is he was standing there nodding his head as she said it

[Pudmuddle]

As I mentioned in my last thread I was commenting on how my H was spending most of his time nights and weekends at home and then BAMMO! he decided to go 'watch a football game in a sportsbar', at least that was his lie. He didn't return until 11 last night, game was over at 5:30.

Perhaps I missed this from your other thread, but why is this bothering you so much? Do you think he was with an OW? Or just partying with his buddies? If the latter, why is that an issue? How do you know he was lying?

I do think it was with OW. He never has had many buddies to go out with. But you're right I don't know anything for sure

I just commented one word syllables and then when he said Ok, have a good day. I just said Yup. I just felt I couldn't say anything of great length or my emotions would come flying out. Not the best way to handle it but it worked as I reminded myself before I spoke. (kinda a 180)

I'm not sure that's a 180, by your own admission you were indifferent towards him during your depression and so to him this might look like "more of the same" behavior. A 180 might be to project PMA no matter what he's doing or what mood he's in.
Yes, this is what I am struggling with. I'm trying to detach but yet remain in contact because of what I did before. So I get very confused on how to do it correctly in my sitch

So I think I will have to find things to do outside the house instead of being at home. But then I worry about my S and making him feel left out.

You can absolutely involve your S in GAL activities. GAL just means get out and do stuff without your spouse. It can be solo, with your kids, with friends, with family, or even with new people you don't know.

[Pudmuddle]

I need to work on my PMA when he is around. That is tough, I still attach my feelings to his and especially not knowing what is on his mind and trying to guess keeps me going round and round.

I didn't go downstairs this morning like I have been and he did not say goodbye before he left, now I feel down about it. This is really hard not to attach myself to what he does because this is partly what helped my depression become more serious. I didn't know how to bring him out and it is still the same behavior from him, which is difficult to keep my PMA up after 2 years of this. I have been doing this for so long now, not just before BD that I am struggling with letting go of being attached to his feelings.

So I think I still need to go downstairs in the morning and have my coffee down there and then see him off for the day?

I'm so confused. Urgh.

[woody112]

...he did not say goodbye before he left, now I feel down about it.

That stuff gets to me too! I guess it comes down to being over-sensitive. It's even more maddening that I sometimes waste my energy anticipating simple things like not saying goodnight.

[AnotherStander]

I do think it was with OW. He never has had many buddies to go out with. But you're right I don't know anything for sure

Consider this, what if he was just out with a buddy? And then he comes home and finds you giving him the cold shoulder. So he thinks "good grief, I can't even have a beer with a friend without her getting PO'd about it, I was so right about needing out of this M!" Have you read in DR about acting "as if"?

Yes, this is what I am struggling with. I'm trying to detach but yet remain in contact because of what I did before. So I get very confused on how to do it correctly in my sitch

What is "detaching" to you? Most people go into this thinking "detaching" is pushing away from the spouse, ignoring them and acting cold and indifferent towards them. THAT IS NOT IT! Detaching simply means you get off their roller coaster. I've put it this way before:

ATTACHED:
H happy- you happy. H sad- you sad. H angry- you angry.

DETACHED:
H happy- you happy. H sad- you happy. H angry- you happy.

Why is it important? First, because you need to find a way to happiness OUTSIDE of your H. Second, because he needs to see that you are happy WITH or WITHOUT him before he'll worry about losing you.

[AnotherStander]

So I think I still need to go downstairs in the morning and have my coffee down there and then see him off for the day?

Quit basing everything on your H, his moods, his reactions, his will. Go downstairs because you want to. Or stay in your room because you want to. Remove H from the equation!

[Pudmuddle]

Thank you again AS. I appreciate your directness.

This is what I am struggling with exactly. I am obviously seriously confused about how to detach properly in this situation.

I think I'm still so hurt that I think everything he is doing is trampling my heart over and over. I really believed him from the last time he had an A that as he said "I would never do this again because of all the hurt it caused".

I need to get over that, because it did happen again and it is out of my control what he chooses to do now.

Me happy. Me happy. Me happy. Regardless of situations I cannot control.

Thanks AS


p.s. I do have an appt w/db coach tomorrow. Much needed.

[Pudmuddle]

You're right woody, it is a waste of energy to do that.

I'll work on stopping that. Thx.

[Pudmuddle]

Oh, and AS I have not read the DR book yet as I gave it away years ago to a friend in need. But I have another copy on its way!!