on the edge...

[dingo]

Well - crap kinda hit the fan last night. On the way home I thanked her for taking care of the situation that day and she said that she hadn't. When I asked her why, she said she knows she needs to but can't bring herself to do it. Then she started in with, I'm not sure what I want, I told you that I would end it because our anniversary is coming up and I wanted to have a good time for that....blah blah blah.

I pressed her for a decision. That may not be the right move but I am getting pretty sick of being in limbo. Its gone on for 4 months now and I dont think giving her more time to have a solid husband and an OM is going to allow her to 'make up her mind.' She sat quietly for a while and then came up with 'I can end the affair and commit 100% to this marriage for the next two weeks.' Again, that just sounds like limbo to me and I said it wasn't something I was interested in doing. After some back and forth, she agreed to commit 100%. I then asked her to call the OM and end the affair and stuck to it when she pushed back with 'i'll tell him face to face in the morning.' She did call him that night and as of today, the affair is 'over.'

I took your advice Sandi and actually gave her a printout of portions of one of your earlier posts about finding someone she trusts and respects to help her through this and hold her accountable. She insisted that her other relationship is not an 'addiction', is more than just an infatuation, etc. and i told her that he is probably who she should be with then. She came back with 'well, he's not my knight in shining armor and i get more out of my relationship with you but i am not sure you can give me everything i want.'

To make a long story short, she says she wants to give the marriage a shot but isnt really taking any action to make it happen. I passed along some articles for her to read, suggested that she find a friend to talk to, told her some things she can do to help me so that I can help her and even passed along some job ads for her to look at. She drags her feet, seems uninterested or just does things with a sullen, passive-aggressive look on her face that tells me she's just patronizing me.

On paper right now, the marriage is on and the affair is off. I don't know if that's going to change after work today. I don't know if she will revert or how she'll maintain minimal contact (as they work together, its the best I can hope for....). She's told so many lies and revealed so many other motives for her actions (like saying she was in the marriage just to get to our anniversary) that I don't trust a single thing she says anymore. Hell, as she was making the call with the OM to end the affair, I found myself wondering if they weren't just going to shoot the breeze with each other for a few minutes and then come back and tell me it was taken care of. All of this and the utter lack of respect I have for him (I didn't have a whole lot of regard for him before I found out about the affair and obviously even less now) which is slowly turning into lack of respect for her for choosing that and betraying our marriage with that came crashing down on me last night.

Now I am not sure what I want. I don't want to get divorced but I don't know if there's a way to prevent it at this point. I don't even know why I don't want to get divorced anymore. I do know that don't have the energy to carry 100% of this anymore and she has just not showed any ability to take responsibility of her actions and take charge of her situation. She's admitted that she feels horribly guilty whenever she talks to him but can't stop herself; but cannot look critically at herself to recognize that thats exactly how an addiction works.

Tensions got a little elevated last night and while we didn't have a full on argument, voices were raised at times and we were on the verge. We had a relatively decent car ride in this morning and talked about weekend plans for our anniversary. She asked me to give her some space to find some friends and work things out, to let her get through her surgery and she'll quit her job and to just accept that she's going to be sullen and miserable for a few days. I don't think she'll follow up on any of it and am inclined to just file and put this chapter of my life behind me.