It's football season-all is well

[BklynMom]

I would say nothing and do nothing about her contradicting statements.

My h told me for weeks he was going to move out and get an apartment and he did nothing to move forward with that. After he spent an hr in counseling telling the C he was moving out when we got home I told him to pack his things and get out. I couldn't take the empty threats any more.

To this day he says I kicked him out.

They are nuts. Let her live in her contradiction. Don't call her out on it

[Mtnman]

Thanks Brklyn! That's what I was thinking. It still needs to be her decision.

[reachingHigher]

You need to do what you think is best; follow your gut feeling.

To share about my sitch ... much of last fall was spent in my H having times of connecting closer with me and the boys interspersed with distancing himself from us.

He split our credit cards, we transferred titles on cars, made a budget for me to live on, decided on amounts and length of spousal and child support, etc.

It was a very difficult time. I continued to stick with what my DB coach said. I read almost everything snodderly posted. I cried, I hoped, I GAL.

Hang in there Mtnman. She has to feel like she was permitted to have her own journey.

You can only take so much. Just stick to the basics. Provide for you and the boys. Hold onto your faith. Keep being an awesome employee. Keep looking and smelling good. Know that your feelings ARE important too. She just can't nurture you right now.

I'm rooting for you!

Thinking of you,
rH

[Mtnman]

Thanks rH! I get into a rut where I think my sitch is different, and they all do have minor pieces that are unique, but the script stays the same for them. It's so nice for all of us to remind each other of that. Im not the first one to be here and unfortunately I won't be the last.

I'm stronger than I was a month or two weeks ago. I can feel it. I suspect she does too.

Story from church today. We sit next to a gentleman whose wife left him a few years ago with two high school age boys. She had issues with alcohol and lost it. He's prob 20 yrs my senior and is aware of my situation. Since I've known him he has never stood for a hymn. Never! Even when his family was together. Today I saw him looking at me when I stood for the first one, grab a hymnal, and stand too.

It's entirely possible I was butchering the song so bad that he was moved into action to try to drown me out. Whatever his reason, it was powerful for me. I will get through this with dignity. I will get through this projecting a positive attitude.

[TSquared2]

Hi MtnMan,

Good advice up there ^^^^ . I don't have anything new to add. Just re-inforce that she needs to feel like this decision, whichever one she chooses, is ALL hers, as rH said. My W is same way, she has to know and feel that staying or going is all her decision. That doesn't mean that there won't come a point where I make the "go" decision for her, but today is not that day...

I can "hear" the strength, you are doing great!

[Mtnman]

Thanks T^2! Each time she does this I try to let her go, but she won't let me go. Everything is the same as it's been except she did tell S9 she was thinking of getting a nicer place.

She needs to suffer the consequences, and in order to do that I must let her go, but she won't let me. Lol so frustrating.

[TSquared2]

Hate to tell you this Mtn...but...they do that. lol...

Pull closer, then away...closer, away...

Bottom line...they are spinning much more than we are...

Lotsa talk, lotsa ideas, but actions...?

This is the big time of believe nothing said, and only half of what they do.

And remember, you always have the nuclear option to get her to let go...filing yourself. Not recommended, but it does exist, know what I mean? Just remember that and keep it in your back pocket.

Hang in there!!

[Mtnman]

Thanks T^2! No more mention of our discussion. Lots of texting, including at 5 am this morning to ask how the govt shutdown might cause us problems. Seriously? Other than having to hear about it non-stop I expect we won't even know anything has changed. I'm being far more distant with her.

I have good moments and bad. I spoke to one of my good old friends yesterday. He is a family friend but also a former coworker. He's 66 and has an odd marriage situation. I had not spoken to him about my sitch but he had heard. It actually was a nice chat. Long story short, his wife left him 35 years ago, remarried, and had a child. Four years later called him out of the blue to apologize and asked for reconciliation. They did, remarried and are still together. We had a good laugh about it. His advice was to let her go and never look back lol. But he went on to say I understand that you can't so keep calm and try to let things work themselves out in their own time.

His wife has basically allowed the guilt from what she did destroy her life. She has not been able to forgive herself.

[reachingHigher]

Wow, Mtnman! What a story! And he took her back, too!

I'm being far more distant with her.

Good.

His wife has basically allowed the guilt from what she did destroy her life. She has not been able to forgive herself.

How sad.

I am not surprised at your W's back-and-forth with feelings. I went back this week and reread some of my threads from last fall. Crazy stuff. I felt so alive during it all....so in tune....it muddles it a bit when you get "back together".

I'm glad you posted. Good to hear from you. Good to hear she isn't "done". and neither are you !!!

[etc]

Mtn, thanks for sharing that story from your friend. I've heard similar stories from others who figure out a way not to totally destroy even a simple friendship with their ex. Time and God always have a way of changing things. For much of life, change is the only constant. When our emotional responses get attached to "the things they say" as if these things are set in stone, we get in real trouble b/c they will certainly change their minds to a certain degree no matter what happens. The key with DBing is to make it so that they can only focus on themselves. The easier we make it for them to get away, the less likely they can blame us for their troubles in life. In other words, we need to stay out of the way so they can see that we're not really the cause of all their misery.

hang in there!

ETC