Today my wife continues to be cold and distant. When I got home from school she completely ignored me and pretended that I didn't even exist. Her door is completely shut right now as my daughter continues to sleep with her. While it hurts and I do wish I was spending time with her, I know that I have to give her the space and time she needs. I am so tempted to just open the door and make small talk or something but I know that is not an effective strategy right now.
In the meantime I have two exams going up - one on Wednesday and another this coming Monday - so lots of studying to do. I am also having to get involved with the budgeting process at my work - so that is also keeping me busy.
At school today I started thinking about the areas that I need to change/work on.
Below are some of the complaints/areas I needs to work on
- being sarcastic or making smirk remarks (a good example is me telling my wife that I guess I've been replaced)
- following through on commitments (I should have been prepared/packed for the zoo trip ahead of time)
- validating/listening to my wife instead of inserting my point of view
- complaining (although I haven't done this in a long time, I did a lot of it when we first brought the house)
- putting her down (lots of emotional abuse; I wish I could left her up but right now she gets mad if I try to tell her anything such as I believe in her or I know she can do it, etc; she needs time to see I am being real)
- being consistent with my actions/words (I use to say one thing but would then change my mind which would drive my wife nuts. Need to make a decision and stick with it)
Other things that I will focus on will be - No R talk unless she takes the lead - no mentioning of OM - exercising - continuing to be there for my daughter (I have to take her to the dentist tomorrow) - giving my wife the space she needs without being needy - no text messages or phone calls unless absolutely necessary (will let her take the lead) - try not to look sad or down when around my wife. fake a PMA if I have to until grow stronger in that area
Earlier this morning she asked me as she was walking out the door if we should book the Disney cruise. I told her that I thought we should. I later text her that if she felt our marriage would improve from now till December then she should book the trip - else she should not but only she knows how she is feeling. I got an e-mail later this evening stating that the trip had been paid for. Who knows if that is a good sign or not but in retrospect I don't think I should have sent that text.
Right now the stress of work and school is putting a lot of pressure on me (at least for this week) so I am trying my best to manage but could use some more sleep. Right now I am trying to get to a point where I am behaving as if I am already divorce (that is to say detached). This is hard as I really do miss my wife but I know that I must get to a point where her actions do not mess with my emotions. Being a numbers guy, I know that the odds are heavily against me right now (espeically after this weekend seeing all my progress go down the drain) but maybe I need to recognize that so that I realize the necessity of detaching given the odds.
In many ways, it feels like I am back to square one with her being super cold/distant - so I know that I cannot afford to screw this up by acting like a puppy dog or initiating R talk. She must come to me when she is ready. Well, back to studying.
