Why dont you brainstorm with her some ideas for how she can journal in a way that is secure. A safe deposit box? A lockbox with a combo? Work with her on a way to alleviate one of her expressed fears.
Cut the woe is me attitude and get back on the program. You cannot predict the future, but your attempts to predict it sound like excuses to avoid working on your issues. Try, and try again. And again. One day you will decide to act a certain way and then do it, rather than throwing your good intentions out the window. And then you will see how you can succeed, by controlling your own emotions and behavior.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks adinva for the 4x4. I was reading my threads from the first time I got a divorce and was comparing to it to my threads today - big difference. The first time I fought for my marriage and stuck with the program. This second time I've been so negative and depress to the point that I cannot function at times. I've been living by sight and not walking by faith.
The first time I made it about my wife - about filling her love tank, meeting her needs. I've been so selfish this second round that it is no wonder why I am losing this battle. I need to shake myself up and get back to this.
I know the next several days are going to be testing me. She will be distant, cold and at times rude due to the way I treated her this past weekend. I should expect this and plan on how I will act (not react). I need to give her the space she needs, no begging, texting, calling, etc. Just let her have her space while staying positive and focusing my attention on my daughter to keep me busy.
I forgot to mention. We are/were planning on going on a Disney cruise in December. Tomorrow is the day the payment is due. Friday morning she was asking me if we should even book the trip given the situation. I told her we would talk about it over the weekend. Well, don't know if we will talk at all or if she is just going to let it slide and not pay/go on the trip (we were going to put it on her card and pay it off with our end of year bonus). She was really looking forward to it now I just don't know. If she doesn't book it on her card, it will be a sign of a lack of confidence in the direction of this marriage for sure. I don't know if I should even try to bring it up given the state she is in (she is still out of the house journaling/getting away from the situation (probably with OM too)). I will see how she is when she comes back and will play it by ear. I really do want to go on this trip and I don't want to break my daughter's heart by telling her we are not going. Just another variable in the whole mess of things...
It appears to me that you are still stuck in the same place your were when you started this thread a few months ago.
What you need to do is forget about your feelings and needs right now and focus on your W's. Your W watched her F kill her M, was mentally abused growing up and now you are doing more of the same to her. Why would she have any incentive to give up OM when he provides her with someone to talk to, someone who makes her feel safe?
You must stop crying, feeling sorry for yourself, snooping, trying to control her, etc. Your M is definitely over if you keep doing this. Your W is crying out to you and trying to tell you what she needs and you continue to disappoint her.
Work on making yourself strong and attractive and in the meantime be the safe place your W needs. When she says things that upset you, you have to stop reacting and getting in fights with her. This will never repair your M. Validate as best you can and then go for a walk, run or whatever. Do not yell at her, fight with her, tell her she is wrong, tell her what she must do, etc.
Your wife sounds broken, she needs a lot of healing and if you can't show her that you can be there for her she is going to lean on OM more and more.
You can do this. Get yourself together and be strong and caring.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Putting aside my feelings is the hardest thing right now for me. But you are right - it is only when I let go of my needs that any real progress can be made. This really is a lesson on how to die to self and put others before me. As much as I hate to admit it, I've really been selfish these last few months. While there is no doubt that I want to save this marriage,that desire cannot become more important than making sure my wife's needs are met - that I show her love regardless of the outcome.
Today my prediction was spot on. She was cold, distant and spent almost all day with OM (they actually took a road trip near another town for several hours). When she got up this morning she asked me what I wanted to do about the cruise (Monday is the last day to pay - I thought it was today for some reason). I told her that I wanted to go to the cruise - that it would be great for our daughter. I also told her that she has to do what she feels comfortable with. She responded that she doesn't want to pay for the trip only to have us separate before the trip and she left with the bill. I told her that I wanted to make our marriage work and that I would help her with the trip regardless. Honestly, I wish I cold just go on the trip with my daughter alone at this point but I couldn't afford it without my wife's help. She told me she needed time to think about it.
The rest of the day we pretty much have had no contact other than brief moments here or there. My daughter and I had fun together though. We went to go look for holloween decorations and ended up being some Christmas stuff instead (go figure). I am back to sleeping on my daughter's bed for a while it seems. Lots of trust was broken this weekend with the whole zoo incident but that's okay. I must trust everyday as if I am starting over. My dad has been real supportive throughout all this (suprising as we were never close growing up). My daughter told me today that yesterday OM, wife and her went out to eat together but that mom said not to mention anything to me. Normally this would bother me but today I just don't care. If my wife wants to go with OM - she can have at it. I can only control my actions and the changes I am making - are for me and me alone. Tomorrow is another day - I know that she will continue to be cold and distant - so my goal is to not let it get to me - to maintain at PMA and just focus on me.
Today my wife continues to be cold and distant. When I got home from school she completely ignored me and pretended that I didn't even exist. Her door is completely shut right now as my daughter continues to sleep with her. While it hurts and I do wish I was spending time with her, I know that I have to give her the space and time she needs. I am so tempted to just open the door and make small talk or something but I know that is not an effective strategy right now.
In the meantime I have two exams going up - one on Wednesday and another this coming Monday - so lots of studying to do. I am also having to get involved with the budgeting process at my work - so that is also keeping me busy.
At school today I started thinking about the areas that I need to change/work on.
Below are some of the complaints/areas I needs to work on
- being sarcastic or making smirk remarks (a good example is me telling my wife that I guess I've been replaced)
- following through on commitments (I should have been prepared/packed for the zoo trip ahead of time)
- validating/listening to my wife instead of inserting my point of view
- complaining (although I haven't done this in a long time, I did a lot of it when we first brought the house)
- putting her down (lots of emotional abuse; I wish I could left her up but right now she gets mad if I try to tell her anything such as I believe in her or I know she can do it, etc; she needs time to see I am being real)
- being consistent with my actions/words (I use to say one thing but would then change my mind which would drive my wife nuts. Need to make a decision and stick with it)
Other things that I will focus on will be - No R talk unless she takes the lead - no mentioning of OM - exercising - continuing to be there for my daughter (I have to take her to the dentist tomorrow) - giving my wife the space she needs without being needy - no text messages or phone calls unless absolutely necessary (will let her take the lead) - try not to look sad or down when around my wife. fake a PMA if I have to until grow stronger in that area
Earlier this morning she asked me as she was walking out the door if we should book the Disney cruise. I told her that I thought we should. I later text her that if she felt our marriage would improve from now till December then she should book the trip - else she should not but only she knows how she is feeling. I got an e-mail later this evening stating that the trip had been paid for. Who knows if that is a good sign or not but in retrospect I don't think I should have sent that text.
Right now the stress of work and school is putting a lot of pressure on me (at least for this week) so I am trying my best to manage but could use some more sleep. Right now I am trying to get to a point where I am behaving as if I am already divorce (that is to say detached). This is hard as I really do miss my wife but I know that I must get to a point where her actions do not mess with my emotions. Being a numbers guy, I know that the odds are heavily against me right now (espeically after this weekend seeing all my progress go down the drain) but maybe I need to recognize that so that I realize the necessity of detaching given the odds.
In many ways, it feels like I am back to square one with her being super cold/distant - so I know that I cannot afford to screw this up by acting like a puppy dog or initiating R talk. She must come to me when she is ready. Well, back to studying.
The cold war continues but I was expecting that after the weekend so what can I say. Additional 180s I have is that I am going to go buy some new clothes, some cologne and try to enjoy the fact that I'm a student - so I should try to make the most of the university life and the resources/people that brings. I can only own my feelings and actions - so I am starting to think about what things I can do to not only improve but to also enjoy life. I am very fortunate in spite of my circumstances. While I wish my wife was with my to enjoy life, that shouldn't stop me for experiencing all life has to offer.
I have to admit - this is hard to implement some times. My daughter told me that my wife was feeling sick last night. I so feel like texting her telling her that I hope she feels better, etc. This seems to violate the DB rule of no texting until things get better. Ahh....I miss my wife but I know that I have to get a grip on my emotions. I must act as if she is gone while showing her unconditional love in the mist of everything. What a paradox.
For me, one of the hardest things is wanting to show my wife love but not being able to. Her love language is gifts and quality time - two things that I really can't show her since I am giving her space. The best I can do is be the best spouse I can be and hope she is attracted to that. But if she isn't, those changes are for me alone. I am actually thinking about removing the pictures of her out of my office - not because I am finished but I think it will help me detached - thoughts? On my phone I changed her name to "daughter's mom" It actually did help me with my emotions. Although I am feeling better, I am still very much attached to my wife. While my GALs are mainly school and spending time with my daughter - I don't have much time for anything else and I still find myself thinking about my wife while I am at work or school. Any other ideas on how I can detached?
I am definitely struggle with not contacting her. It's amazing how she can be so mean, cold and distant and yet I find her attractive. I definitely got to get my emotions straight here. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she was my first love, the only person I've every been with. You'd think that would have motivated me the first time to make this marriage work but unfortunately I was a fool and made my mistakes.
I'm just going to vent here and pretend I am talking to me wife.
------ Dear wife,
I understand why you are upset and distant from me. You needed me to be strong and to stay postive inspite of our arguing and I did not. I know my smirk remarks really hurt you and I am so sorry for making you feel anything but important. I want you to know that I love you and that I am not giving up on this marriage. I know you are hurting but I know you will pull through. I am rooting for you and above else, I want you to be happy with or without me. Although you do not trust me, I am here if you need me and I will always have your back.
------- I am trying to figure out what happened from the time I first got a divorce (if you read my original posts from 2008 - I was a completely different person - I though I had really changed) up until last spring. How could I change, DB, and become a new person only to revert back to my old self. That is what my wife is so afraid of and quite frankly - so am I. I don't want to be that selfish and mean person. I want to be a person who loves his family, that is humble, gentle, kind, considerate - someone my daughter and wife could be proud of and feel safe/loved. My wife has asked me in the past how can she be assured that I will not go back to my old ways since I did it the last time. I don't have an answer but that is one of the things I am trying to figure out - how can I safeguard myself so that the changes stay permanent this time.
