I'm not even sure if I'm DBing or piecing or what? Or maybe I'm not doing any of the above.
I did a great job at GAL today. A friend came over for a massage and brought a nanny for my kid. VERY kind of her. When H came home, I left immediately after to go have dinner at another friend's house. When I got back, he took S1 to bathe.
He had his solemn look again and was pacing around after S1 went to bed.
He finally asked, "do you really want me to leave the house?"
And I said, "if you want a divorce and are still looking to pursue this other relationship, then yes. Otherwise living together makes no sense"
He paced around a lttle more and said, "but I want to be around my boys"
And I said, "well, that's what divorce is. When you leave me, you're also leaving them"
More pacing around and my phone rang.. It was my super rational friend, one of the few people that don't get too caught up in emotions over this stitch, and gave me great advice on career moves if we do devide to divorce.
I went downstairs and asked H if he could get me in touch with the career center within the marine corps base.
That's the part where I don't know if I'm DBing because somehow the talk went back to R and the future.
Long story short, H still wants to go to MC on Thursday. He kept saying one of his main fears about us staying together is that I may never forgive him.
Don't spend a lot of time worrying about labeling what's going on with your H. You may never know and it won't change anything.
What are your goals? You still seem very unsure and I get that but maybe you should, as you suggested yesterday, just wait until after the birth and then sort hings out.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm having trouble identifying goals. I guess one of them could be my intermittent need to talk about OR and showing anger. However, at the same time, sometimes I think what I say gets through to him. I feel like if I stop talking about OR, he will think I no longer care. It's a catch 22. I'm so confused.
Made dinner for us, we watched the news and bathed S1 together.
I mentioned that my friends and I were going to a pumpkin patch this week, but it he wanted to go, I'd wait to go with him on the weekend.
His other son (my stepson) is coming to visit next week and H said, yes, wait for SS11 to arrive so we can all go together.
He still wants to do things together.
I finished reading Divorce Busting and think I figured out what I want: to get closer to H emotionally and eventually physically. I don't know how to go about setting goals to achieve this. Any insights?
I know that one of my "more of the same" is putting him down for what he is doing to us and he has said that this is pushing him away, but every time he goes to talk with OW I just lose it. I want to kick him out of the house and bash him.
H and I watched dumb shows on TV and he was trying to make comments to get my interest. I turned off the iPad and he did also. That was one thing we both complained about each other: every time we sat on the couch, one of us was online and we always blamed the other for getting online first.
So in a way I think he is trying too because every time we try and watch tv together, he stops reading the news.
He only got online momentarily to look for flat screen televisions. Our toddler threw a toy on the tv causing it to have a dent and H is considering buying another one.
I caught H looking at my breasts. At this point in the pregnancy I look like Dolly Parton and Im not a dummy: I use cleavage that shows my soul. Lol. So H can't help it.
I also noticed that when I asked him to feel the baby move, he lingered in that position, with his entire body leaning towards mine, and stayed that way. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I have notice that his body language is sometimes very relaxed and facing towards me. I noticed that when we have our R talks, his body faces the opposite way from me.
So this was the accomplishment for the day: no serious talks, just small, silly talks about tv shows and other stuff, just spending time together and relaxing. That's a first.
I need to read that book. You are the 317398162445 to tell me to read it.
Im nervous about counseling on thursday: I don't even know what I should be talking about there, while DBing? How can I convey that I wish we were closer without seeming like I'm pursuing?
