Ya. My husband basically told me he is a disinterested parent...if we were to move half a continent away he wouldn't really miss the kids, whereas I would freak lol!!
turtle, sounds like you know your own mind. I know you allow your H as much time as he needs. as a fellow teacher, I see the same things in divorced homes ( ie I am at my dad's he doesn't have a printer.....)
The thing is, he needs to get in a place where if he wants to see the kids he needs to have a place. H and I switch off once in a while. D14 stays put but gets to see us both.
Well, my H checked out about 2 yrs with the kids (& me), but recently has shown A LOT more effort with them.
After my vacation at the beginning of August (when he more than likely stopped communicating w OW) H seemed to realize that all he has is his family and that otherwise he is "alone" in the world...which led to wanting to spend more time w the boys.
Which is good.
Until he allowed OW in his life he was a good dad, but after he starting spending time and energy with her he checked out of the entire family.
I had an apptmt with my C today...very good session. Hadn't seen her four 4 weeks, so had a lot of catch up on. Felt good afterwards. She questioned the shift in my H- asking me if he came to me and said he wanted to work on things what would I say?
I said I really didn't know but that I think I am still open-minded to the possibility (even though I think I am clear about what it would take for me to even consider R).
I know timelines are arbitrary on our journeys...everyone is different. Our 1-yr separation anniv is at the beginning of Nov- I think that is the time in my head to have a R talk. I want to know 2 things-- 1)what are his interactions w OW & does he continue to hold out hope that he & her will have a future together, and 2) Has he had any thoughts about wanting to save our M.
I know-biggies. Against DB rules...but I am not afraid of the answers. Worst case scenario- he is still talking to OW & fantasizing they will be together AND "no" he has no thoughts about us being together in the future.
If worst case scenario is the reality then I am done standing. I'm not going to say this to him until I am really ready, but it is what I have been thinking for a while.
Honestly, I don't think this is the case any more. I think he has far more doubts about OW & him ever working out and that MAYBE he is thinking about US just a little bit (after all even though they were just words he did say "I love you" twice last weekend & gave me the first genuine 1-min long hug I've had since I don't know when). (BTW-his words don't match his actions so I don't believe them at all, although I do believe he still cares).
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
You're mind-reading a little. "I think he has far more doubts about OW..." However, it's pretty obvious that you've hit THAT point - "but I am not afraid of the answers".
It's a good and powerful place to be. I remember getting there with XW1, and she walked.
However, it's been 7 years - 4 years of separation and 3 years of separation, and 5 of the 7 have been the happiest years of my life. XW1 is miserable, hates her job, hates her hours, hates her life; she has a boyfriend she likes a lot, but never gets to see him. She has lost the closeness she had with our kids, being a stay-at-home mom. This literally just struck me today - that she left me to get her happiness and freedom, and almost 8 years later, has nothing. W is on the same path, but is going to hit it a LOT sooner; like 6 months.
I know it's not DB principles, but I can't wait to get to where you are!
I know timelines are arbitrary on our journeys...everyone is different. Our 1-yr separation anniv is at the beginning of Nov- I think that is the time in my head to have a R talk. I want to know 2 things-- 1)what are his interactions w OW & does he continue to hold out hope that he & her will have a future together, and 2) Has he had any thoughts about wanting to save our M.
Turtle, if you feel the need to have this convo, then I would suggest skipping straight to question 2. If he answers yes, then move onto question 1. If he says no, then you should prepare your thoughts beforehand on what you're going to tell him. I sense from your recent posts that you're close to wanting to move on, so perhaps that's the talk you are really pushing for? If so then lay it out for him, if he says he doesn't want to work on things then tell him the door is closing (or closed) and you're moving on, and if you plan on dating then tell him that too.
For those that don't think this is DB'ing, look up the "after the last resort technique" in DR. MWD says there that when you get to the point to where you're fed up and ready to move on, then lay an ultimatum on your spouse- either they give up the affair partner and start working on the M or you're finished with them. She does warn to only do this if you're willing to accept D though.
Turtle, some times I have thoughts about a timeline. But for me? I haven't quite worked out whether it is 100% for me or whether I want a pretty severe form of a temp. check.
So I wait. Somedays, no matter how much I love H, I feel done. But others I don't...so here I am
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I know timelines are arbitrary on our journeys...everyone is different. Our 1-yr separation anniv is at the beginning of Nov- I think that is the time in my head to have a R talk. I want to know 2 things-- 1)what are his interactions w OW & does he continue to hold out hope that he & her will have a future together, and 2) Has he had any thoughts about wanting to save our M.
Turtle, if you feel the need to have this convo, then I would suggest skipping straight to question 2. If he answers yes, then move onto question 1. If he says no, then you should prepare your thoughts beforehand on what you're going to tell him. I sense from your recent posts that you're close to wanting to move on, so perhaps that's the talk you are really pushing for? If so then lay it out for him, if he says he doesn't want to work on things then tell him the door is closing (or closed) and you're moving on, and if you plan on dating then tell him that too.
For those that don't think this is DB'ing, look up the "after the last resort technique" in DR. MWD says there that when you get to the point to where you're fed up and ready to move on, then lay an ultimatum on your spouse- either they give up the affair partner and start working on the M or you're finished with them. She does warn to only do this if you're willing to accept D though.
I agree with what AS says here, although I understand your need for both questions. Maybe reverse them.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I did not for one minute think you were trying to withhold your boys, I can tell by your posts that you are not that kind of person and I have a lot of respect for your posts. I was curious what made you feel that way because it didn't appear to be intentional withholding, esp with H at your house every afternoon. I hear what you are saying about the kids, stuff left everywhere, kids flip flopping all around. It really is tough on everyone, most of all them.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Hey, GTO! Just checking on you. I agree with asking yourself the question: What are my goals? Before you ask him anything. If you don't know, wait. Give yourself the time you need until you're clear about what you want. (((((((((((((((()))))))))))))
"I think he has far more doubts about OW..." However, it's pretty obvious that you've hit THAT point - "but I am not afraid of the answers".