“So, do you remember what was said when the kids was given the news?”
Approx. this:
Originally Posted By: F
W started out by telling that we are not going to live together anymore. D6 asked twice why and got the answer that we are not going to be sweethearts anymore…and then D4 said “That’s just like me and XX at kindergarten!” That made us all laugh and D4 should have some of the credit for how this went! Then a short talk about the new house and some good things about this like school distance. D6 asked if she would get her own room and if she could bring toys. Then W asked if they would like to see the house and D6 told her no. Some chit chats about the good parts in this and then some practical things about the moving. We still love you, we are still a family and done deal in less than 5 minutes
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WE, and thereby also I, have told the children that we are still a family but a different kind of family. W said the actual words to them as I recall. It came out at the end of the talk-to-children. W and I had discussed this and I backed her up on this statement before the talk. I do not recall anything mentioned about spending time together. I am as certain as possible that this is a fact but then again – it was very emotional times, my head was spinning and confusion was total.
I don’t feel I have made any promises to her and especially not to the children. I do not know whether to believe that she actually believes what she said today or if it was just intended to convince me by putting pressure and guilt on me. One thing is certain: When I told her that I didn’t want to meet up first time on the phone and told her that we shouldn’t be friends she answered “I thought this would come but it still doesn’t please me” (Hard to translate!)
IMO (and this is mindreading!!) she has built up a picture in her head about the happy future living apart. How we would still do happy-family-things and so on. When this is combined with all the happy-stuff we in fact did during the five months from BD till she moved out, everybody around us telling everybody how fantastic we did it, telling the children that we are still a family, me being kind and pleasant (when not pursuing) - I can understand why she thinks promises were made.
Children’s hasn’t once mentioned that we don’t meet up and they normally keep their books as you mentioned. At the same time I believe they are doing just fine at the moment. D6 is hurting and they are all confused – but look what they are going through! I do NOT believe in happy-family-times. It will just rip the wound open once again when we part. Time will hopefully heal it. W knows that’s my belief because she has been a part of discussing how to handle S10. XW1 and I have done family times a few times a year plus birthdays.
So please continue like I have made no promises – I have no problems looking myself in the mirror or my children in the eyes.
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
