- H and I got into a huge fight last night after he brought up the separation papers and wanted to discuss custody
- I spent the night crying and having contractions
- I was so depressed that this morning I didn't want to leave the bed. Told H to pack up his stuff and leave. He told me to relax and that when I had napped, we would talk.
- when I woke up, H was painting the baby's room. We didn't talk throughout the whole day. I barely looked at him on the face.
- once I came to bed I realized I hadn't felt the baby move in a while. I shook the belly, drank water and nothing. I went downstairs and woke up H. He freaked out and we shook the belly until the baby finally moved. Then we got into a heart to heart about our children and their births and it felt like the old times.
- I explained to H that this is not the time to discuss divorce and separation because the baby feels everything. He apologized and seemed like the old H.
Well you're right that it's best just to table things until the baby is born. That was very selfish of your H to push an S discussion and want to discuss custody, especially when S #2 isn't even born yet!! Try to relax as best you can, maybe go get a massage?
"I explained to H that this is not the time to discuss divorce and separation because the baby feels everything."
That was a valid thing to say, and if he tries to start a similar convo before the baby is born I would suggest just repeating this same thought.
I read back through your thread. Do you have any support? Who is going to be with you after the baby comes?
Don't read anything into anything he does. You will drive yourself crazy. Try to just lay low and not get into things with him until after baby comes. You need a phone-a-friend.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi Preggo, I've been in very similar circumstances so I'm just going to tell you what helped me get through being pregnant and on the verge of D.
1) I didn't worry about getting everything sorted out by my due date. Your baby and your 1 year old wont remember any of what happens for at least the next year or two. If possible set your sights on a much further out date than Oct 30. to have your marriage back on track.
2) I pretended OW didn't exist and did whatever I'd normally do if she didn't exist. I let H do his thing and took comfort knowing that their relationship would self destruct eventually. Try not to focus on her or on getting her out of the picture. Just be your best self and focus on what you can do to draw him back to you.
3) I smiled smiled smiled! Hormones make it tough when you are preggo... But trust me, you get the upper hand if you can be positive and upbeat at all costs right now. I was a duck... Everything rolled right off my back (even if I was dying inside ). He wants to separate? Ok, go for it. He wants to do his own thing some days... "Have fun hunny. We'll see you when you get back." Your H is a mess right now but you don't have to be.
Lastly, I had my first son alone while my H was deployed overseas. He came back a very different person. The day I told him I was pregnant w/ our second he told me he had gotten someone else pregnant as well. He made some really bad choices during this time. However, now looking back I see that it took him a long time to get back to being the guy he once was. I don't want to give your H any excuses for his bad choices, but in hindsight I wish I had been more supportive and had given him more time to sort through his own crap between deployments. If you can be strong for him now it will pay off later.
Is it fair that you, the pregnant one, has to put his needs first right now by giving him space (not pressuring him about the baby or OW)? Heck no! But if you can be strong and give unconditional love even when it hurts you will have a much better shot at getting your H back.
Hang in there!
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
Here is the thing: H is an extremely insecure man. Even when he screws up, he thinks I should pursue him or else I don't care much.
When I acted nonchalant about OW and told him I was moving on, he got very upset, which is a good sign, right? Except in his head he figures, hey, if she moved on, maybe she didn't love me that much, so here is the divorce papers.
Or maybe he was just testing me?
When I started crying he kept saying, "you were acting so nonchalant, it made me think you didn't care!"
That's why sometimes I wonder if DBing could backfire with someone like him. I'm not sure.
This morning when he woke up I didn't go upstairs. I usually did, just to have coffee with him, but somehow it feels like I'm pursuing him, so I pretended I was asleep. He kept coming to our room and opening and closing drawers, lingering.
Yesterday I told him I wouldn't be home for dinner tonight because a friend asked me to have dinner at her house. This is part of my GAL (which, in all honesty, I always had a life, but kinda put it aside for him - he is very antisocial).
He was like, "who is this friend?" Me: Jennifer. Him: never heard of her. You have all these new friends. (Btw, another friend is coming over in an hour to give me a massage. He also doesn't know her and it is true, I have a whole new set of friends, and that bothers him, because he has none.
Anyway, then he says, "but who else will be having dinner with you? Her husband?" Me: yeah. He: don't you think that's weird? Me: no, they are friends and our children play together.
Labug, my entire family is coming for the birth. They are coming all the way from Brazil. My mom said she will stay here for as long as I want. This is why I'm feeling ok about kicking him out. He wants to stay to help with the baby ( that's his main excuse) and when I said my mom would be here to help, he could go away, he didn't say anything and still hasn't made a move to move out.
I think OW is not in town, or else he would have moved. Idk
Here is the thing: H is an extremely insecure man. Even when he screws up, he thinks I should pursue him or else I don't care much.
When I acted nonchalant about OW and told him I was moving on, he got very upset, which is a good sign, right? Except in his head he figures, hey, if she moved on, maybe she didn't love me that much, so here is the divorce papers.
Or maybe he was just testing me?
When I started crying he kept saying, "you were acting so nonchalant, it made me think you didn't care!"
That's why sometimes I wonder if DBing could backfire with someone like him. I'm not sure.
This morning when he woke up I didn't go upstairs. I usually did, just to have coffee with him, but somehow it feels like I'm pursuing him, so I pretended I was asleep. He kept coming to our room and opening and closing drawers, lingering.
Yesterday I told him I wouldn't be home for dinner tonight because a friend asked me to have dinner at her house. This is part of my GAL (which, in all honesty, I always had a life, but kinda put it aside for him - he is very antisocial).
He was like, "who is this friend?" Me: Jennifer. Him: never heard of her. You have all these new friends. (Btw, another friend is coming over in an hour to give me a massage. He also doesn't know her and it is true, I have a whole new set of friends, and that bothers him, because he has none.
Anyway, then he says, "but who else will be having dinner with you? Her husband?" Me: yeah. He: don't you think that's weird? Me: no, they are friends and our children play together.
I don't know why he is so bothered by that.
Don't try and guess what he is thinking. Even though acting nonchalant will make him think you didn't care deep down he knows that you do. You didn't decide to leave him, he decided to leave you.
I am or was a very insecure man. It will really hurt him thinking you don't care. Especially because he is insecure. There is a chance that he has used OW in part just to get a reaction from you.
Acting nonchalant will not make or break your sitch. My W thought I didn't care when I did the same. They use it as an excuse for their behaviour. It's normal to think you are just pushing them away with this but it is creating push and pull. You push him away so he try to pull you back, as soon as you start pulling he will push back.
Getting new friends shows that life can go on with H. That will effect how secure he feels. Thats why he is so bothered, he wouldn't just get friends like that and that makes him feel more insecure. I can't say what I'm saying is correct i can just tell you what I think based on how I might have felt in the past.
It may be a hard line to straddle. Feeling secure will mean he needs obvious love from you but love from you is pursuing.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I'm curious. Is H going through MLC? He has always had bouts of depression and unhappiness, but this time he wants to change everything: quit the usmc, give up our family, our house, sell his properties, run into the sunset with OW while blaming me for everything...
I thought it was PTSD, but maybe it's something more? Or maybe one thing triggered another?
). He wants to separate? Ok, go for it. He wants to do his own thing some days... "Have fun hunny. We'll see you when you get back." Your H is a mess right now but you don't have to be.