He's not 'in love' with me

[CallaghanClown]

I hope you can all help me.....I'm early on and really struggling.

My story is this

Having been married for 5 years, together for 10 and known each other for 16 years I found out 4 weeks ago that my husband had been having a text message relationship with a girl from work. Pictures and flirting, sexual flirting. We own some nightclubs and a cafe and she's been working in both from the start. He's been working very hard for 9 month rarely here and not been spending any time with the kids. Seeing as though I'd been the breadwinner for the whole of our relationship, I took the fact that he was working so hard as a good sign and let him just get on with it. Id been made redundant under very stressful circumstances a year ago and he'd never brought any money into the house until my redundancy. Our relationship changed after this time and I ended up literally hanging off his every word, waiting for him to come home, waiting for his every call/text.

Initially after I found out, he just didn't seem like he was really sorry. Then he begged me to give him a chance. I was so upset. We'd always loved each other so much I just didn't understand. We went to marriage counselling but I never really felt like he really wanted to make it work. Then he started to feel suicidal so i took him to the doctors and got him medicated. He's been suffering with depression for about 5 years but refused to get help or work on it at all. I looked after him, covered for him and enabled him to continue with his depression. After 3 weeks I told him I couldn't keep going if he didn't make a real effort and told him I thought we should separate. He moved out for the weekend and when he came back he told me he wasn't 'in love' with me and he wanted to separate for good.

I already knew this was what he was going to say, so it wasn't a big shock. He wants to keep going to marriage counselling, although its not for another week, so there is time for him to cancel.

I've read The Divorce Remedy and I'm trying to live by it. He now calls our children every night and sends texts a few times a day. But I'm struggling to figure out which texts to answer and which to ignore.

I'm also not sure what to say to the marriage counsellor. I don't want my husband to know I want him back because this will push him away. Do I tell the marriage counsellor that I'm continuing therapy because I want to keep our relationship amicable?

Our relationship was very mother/child. He had no responsibilities. I was always so angry with him. I used to shout at him in public. I wanted to know everything he was doing. I wanted to be in charge of everything. I had an opinion on everything and always had to be right. I can see now how destructive my behaviour was. I've really worked on my part in the marriage.

I'm working on getting a life. I've joined a singing group. I'm planning to start sign language lessons, something we had always planned to do as a family. I'm training for a marathon. I'm going out with friends and trying to have fun with my kids.

I'm managing to stay friendly towards him every time I see him, pleasant on the phone. I look great whenever he's about, and most of the time when he's not. I don't answer all of his calls or messages, or I wait a few hours. I listen intently when he's telling me a story. I never ask where he's been or what he's doing. I don't bring up the affair our marriage or reconciliation. I never initiate a conversation and I don't contact him unless its about the kids and only then when it's urgent. I tell him not to feel bad when he shows guilt. I end all conversations before him, trying my best not to come across as rude.

But I miss him so much now. I just want him back. I'm really struggling not to just call him and have a chat. Not to text him and make sure he's ok. He's ill and I feel like I've abandoned him.