Struggling!

[Accuray]

And how many men really want to have sex with a woman who does it as a chore? Well, I've heard some suggest that it's different if she does it lovingly as a chore. Maybe. It's hard for me to picture.

Here's my experience, I got W to read MWD's SSM book. She understood the message. We talked about that and other issues, and she agreed to increase frequency as proposed by MWD. At the beginning, she was doing it as a chore. You are correct, that is not ideal, or even satisfying, however, it's a starting point, and chore sex is better than no sex IMO. If you disagree, you can always go back to "no sex" but at least in that case it's your choice.

Over time, she came to enjoy it versus just provide it, because we were working out other relationship issues at the same time. So chore sex "for now" or "to start" does not lead to "chore sex forever" necessarily. On any path there has to be a first step, and the first step is usually not the ideal. My sex life is still not what I would like, but at least I see progress and things moving in a positive direction, that makes a big difference to your overall satisfaction with your marriage and with life.

I guess you could say I'm going through a period in my life where I'm stubbornly refusing to go along with the conventional wisdom that one's sexual relationship absolutely has to align with one's IRS filing status.

This feels to me to be a position of desperation. You're here because you feel you have no where else to go within your marriage.

That's different from someone who wanted an open marriage to start with and came into it with the expectation that life would be that way. I feel you've been pushed into this position and are now doing your best to rationalize and excuse your wife putting you here.

So let's see if I got this right. If your wife's libido drops because of menopause, then it's time to switch your property, IRS status, step kids, in-laws, etc. And if the new wife has a drop in libido, switch all those things once again, even though they have NOTHING to do with sex. And the chances of that are high. First marriages last only to about the 12th year (median). Second marriages don't even last that long.

Not sure what your point is here but it looks like you're taking the opposing position, exaggerating it until it's ridiculous, then using that extreme position to tear it apart -- a common strategy in argument but not a very productive one.

We're not talking about a drop in libido. We're talking about a woman who is refusing to have sex with her husband. Simply refusing, with no possible path to improving that situation.

If you told your W you were tired of talking to her and would not talk to her anymore ever, but would be happy to co-exist in the same house and go to the same places, but without any conversation, would you expect her to accept that?

If she then got increasingly upset about your lack of communication and pestered and badgered you, would you develop "communication aversion" and use that as a reason to further solidify your position?

If you did that, what would you expect her to do?

Do you feel that your position would be reasonable? You do have every right to choose who you talk to and who you don't, and if you're not a talkative person by nature, that's okay right?

My point is this ssmguy, I understand your pain. I understand your love for your wife, and I understand your deep seated desire to make this marriage work. When I read what you write, I see a man who has been pushed beyond the breaking point.

I fear that you have accepted an unacceptable position, and are grasping for straws to convince yourself to be okay with it.

If you can do that, power to you! I suspect, however, that you cannot, and that your sexless situation is torturing you, and I hate to see you or anyone else in pain for this reason.

It comes down to meeting needs. I'm assuming that you are meeting your W's needs, that's you've done the work on yourself to be able to provide what she needs. You haven't commented that she is unhappy or unsatisfied, so I have to assume that you are a "good husband" which is quite remarkable given your level of frustration, that takes incredible discipline, I admire that.

Your W, however, is NOT meeting your needs, and I believe it is within her power to do so, all she has to do is choose that path. That does not mean coming home tonight and jumping into bed with you, it means acknowledging that she understands the pain she is putting you through, and working with you to address it such that you see a path to improvement, a path to having your needs acknowledged, respected, and eventually met.

I would like to see you discuss this with her and challenge her to step up to work with you on your marriage, that expecting you to amuse yourself with a good video on a laptop is not even in the same area code as an acceptable state of affairs. If she refuses, I'd like you to see that for what it is, a cold and callous choice and decision on her part, that you should not accept.

To your point, that has NOTHING to do with sex, it's about balance in your marriage, and mutual respect. Acknowledging that your needs are as real and as important as her own, and are deserving of equal consideration.