This is what I struggle with: am I being a doormat by waiting... Waiting for the relationship with the OW to deteriorate, waiting for him to get back... Yes, I have to work on a few things about myself, but he is not perfect either.
Only you can answer that for you. If you feel like a doormat, you are. If you have a need to try to save your marriage, then that's what you're doing. You do have 2 very young children whose lives will be changed by this. There's a lot to consider.
It's all in the interpretation.
And your interpretation is the only one that counts.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This is something I wrestle with myself. I feel like a fool for still caring when my STBX has given no indication that she has a single regret in leaving. But labug is right, only you can answer that for yourself. Don't listen to friends or family, because as DB teaches us, they just want you to take the path of least resistance to "being happy."
Personally I don't see "standing" as being a doormat, I see it as an honorable, respectable action that the LBS takes even when the WAS and all the friends and family say it's futile. Even though people may tell you to cut your losses and leave, I think months or years later they'll think back and admire you for standing regardless of the outcome of your M. Above all you have to be able to respect yourself when you're standing, if you feel like a doormat it's because you don't respect yourself and you've got to go through some self-discovery to see why that is.
I agree with AS. You are standing for what you believe in, you are doing what is right for you. There will always be lots of naysayers in your path, stick true to who you are and what your goals are.
Don't give up preggo!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I stood for my XW1 as AS describes - when everyone told me to quit and give up, even friends, a pastor, counselors. We are divorced, but she went from a nasty person with multiple affairs who said awful lies about me - to a person who respects me, allows me to manage almost everything for the kids, allows me to lead their spiritual lives even though she doesn't believe as I do, and basically comes to me for advice with them. We juggle days with them, split holidays and work together often.
Even though I didn't save our marriage or R, I did create the best possible environment for the kids, and I hold my head high. Incidentally, my XW1, after blaming me for everything, is still miserable today. She hates her job, her life, her hours; only gets to see boyfriend a couple times a month, won't/can't commit to him - and this is 7 years from the original BD!
I agree with others! You are only a doormat if you allow yourself to feel that way. It's all a change in perspective and how you treat yourself.
I finally had a smack to the head with this a couple of weeks ago. So many in mine and H's family want me to leave him so that they don't have to see us hurting. They don't "get" me standing for our marriage....BUT, I finally started treating myself with respect...and that, my friend, has made all the difference for me.
I KNOW what I am standing for, and I believe that what I'm doing is so important for my kids and for my marriage. I have no idea how I'll feel in a few weeks/months/years, but for now, standing is what is right.
And, only YOU know what the right thing is in your sitch. But, choosing to stand does not automatically make you a doormat. It means that you gave it your very best shot and didn't give up because of the expectations of others.
Hang in there! Hold your head high, too. You are doing what so many others wouldn't have. You may have already, but read urworthy's posts. She's great at explaining this whole standing thing.
