NEW LIFE / NEW ME - TAKING OFF!

[sandi2]

“We promised them that we would still be a family when we told them we wouldn’t be together anymore.”
“That’s what we promised them”
These came more than once

Is she correct? Did you make that promise....or was it said by her?

“We are parents - We have children together”

Yes, she is clearly not happy that you have not been hanging out at her place.

“I have seen them more with XW1 than with you and they enjoy themselves”
To this one I answered “I know since I see it when I have them”

I would guess her point was more about them seeing W and XW1 together more than W & you together.

I hate to admit it but once again I was caught off guard so my answers weren’t that clear and I might have come out somewhat weak and indecisive.

I kept my voice low, slow and kind all the way through

She'll catch you off guard next time if you aren't on your toes (so to speak).

I have noticed you make references to keeping your voice low. I thought it may be due to my advice to LBH's tone of voice with the WAW. I don't want to confuse you when I make this statement. My point in telling men that advice, was whenever they were having a bad time of W running over them (bully tactics).....or if they needed to make a strong statement about what he would not tolerate, etc. Some men raise their voices, but it is when a man speaks with a lower tone/pitched voice that often is taken much more seriously than if he was yelling.

There are times that using a softer tone is acceptable. If you are showing compassion, or when speaking over the phone about causal things(as you have been doing lately), or sometimes to help calm her if she was upset. However, there are times the LBH needs to project his voice with confident tones. A man can do it without anger or sounding as if he's yelling at his W.

I kept my voice low, slow and kind all the way through
I did keep my ground and she kept coming:

IMO, the only way you would have appeared weak and indecisive would be by using a timid, feminine soft, or whiny voice that stuttered around saying, "Well, I don't know what to do about it". Whenever you can't think of the right answer, do just like you did....and tell her you will think about it.

“It’s been almost two months since they saw us together”
“It could be on neutral grounds if you don’t feel like coming here or having me come to your place”
“It could just be for an hour or so”

She also said something about the children hurting and thinking. I told that I think D6 is hurting but also that D4 isn’t that bad.

Yep, she's feeling the results of you not being as available to her as you once were. The children probably say things about missing you, just as they say about her when at your place.

Now if you joined her in telling the children you would still be a family, then you are in a hard spot. On the other hand, if you kept quite and it was your W assuring the kids you would continue to be a family....then let me know. B/c we known from the first that she wanted family times (at her convenience, of course) and she wanted you to be handy if she had no other plans. So if she left you thinking everything would stay like always.....and you didn't tell her anything different (and I don't think you did), then things are about to get heated up.

Here's the concern; whether or not you made promises to the children. I for one, do not make promises to anyone. Children take the word "promise" very literal, and it does damage when those promises are not kept. So, do you remember what was said when the kids was given the news?

Your W is going to make you out to be the bad guy b/c you are doing what you promised. And even though I would like to tell you some goodies in how to respond to some of her statements, I'll try to wait till I hear from you about the promises.

“They see us ripped apart”
To this one I answered: “Well, isn’t that’s what we are”
She didn’t comment but I got her dragon eyes on this one.

She didn't like it b/c she knows who ripped you apart! But you handed the ball right back to her with that question.

“It’s been almost two months since they saw us together”

Perhaps you need to have a response in mind. Nothing hateful or punitive (intended), but honest and open. For an example, what if you said to her, "The kids know we aren't together. They know we are ripped apart. That is why D6 is hurting.....b/c her parents don't live together......not b/c she's not seeing us meet up for a couple of hours.

“We are parents - We have children together”

"That is why it's called co-parenting."

Let me know about the promises, before I comment any further.