Holy crap what a mess I was! My H has begin to move at such high speeds it's making my head spin. And then I backslided last night. I always feel like the next day after backsliding I was drunk the night before and now I have to face the consequences of a hangover. So I've known awhile my H has been looking for a separate place of his own, but yesterday he told me he had found a lease. I thought I was handling being separated (he was living at a friend's place before) quite well, until this bit of news hit me. I fluctuated between hating him, angry, and crying all last night, and sent out some nasty texts. I guess until it actually happened I just wasn't expecting how it really felt. I'm mildly depressed right now, but I'm keeping in mind that I have to keep going. Today I got myself out of bed and started the same workout routine I've been keeping for the last two weeks. I'm not allowing myself to give up over a bit of bad news. He also opened his own new account, and said he was no longer contributing to our bills. I still have no job, so I'm a little freaked out about money, but I have rent paid this month thanks to a car crash settlement from awhile back. I've probably never felt so defeated since we've separated. I felt like the first time in a long time we really aren't going to make it. He did mention that signing divorce papers would be simple if we could agree on things, but I told him I wasn't going to file for divorce. This surprised him a little, to which I told him what's the hurry? Are you getting remarried? He said no....but don't expect us to get back together anytime soon. I really wasn't. So now that we share no financials together, I am 100% going to go dark as I have no reason to contact him. I am not scared of being alone. I actually am quite content being alone. I just have this feeling (I know it's probably stupid) that if we don't live together he'll forget me and find someone new. I just have a lot of emotions to deal with and I'm starting a new therapist next week. Thank god I was medicated before all this, or I would be a total wreck. This is maybe one of the few times I've cried in the last few months. My mood stabilizers usually prevent me from getting too depressed. So now I'm in this place, where time is on my side. We have no bills together, we have no impending divorce, just a lot of time to work on ourselves. And in some ways, that is comfortable. If I could find a decent job I would be even more comfortable. I really admire those of you who have made it through this situation. I hope I can one day become a veteran who survived this thing, even if I do end up alone.
Be strong, and be 100% you. Don't give a second's thought and energy toward trying to keep a man that might forget about you if you don't do something specific. Be the woman only a fool would leave, and let him go on his journey. You are unforgettable to the man who deserves you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Just so defeated today, I have no idea what to do. I've just resorted back to crying in the corner of my apartment, and I have no idea what I've gotten myself into. I haven't found a job yet, I don't have money to get a lawyer to file some kind of spousal support. I have no savings. My H used them all excessively, and now he's somewhere else. Furthermore, my H has an urge to file for divorce right this second when he keeps swaying back and forth on whether or not he wants one in the first place. Today he finally asked that I sign a dissolution agreement, and not contest the assets. I'm one of the few candidates that would probably qualify for spousal support, but on the other hand I don't want to really sign off on a dissolution right now. I don't know if I want divorce, and I don't feel like I can make a sound decision on it right now. When I told him this he told me to go f**k myself, and go to h*ll. And lots of other bad things. I was absolutely horrified. I have never seen my H act this way before. I am beyond shocked. I have no idea what kind of monster he's become, and how we're supposed to reconcile from this. And he's mentioned he has seeked other options, I think in terms of dating. Not sure though. Maybe he's dating someone and has grown to hate me. He also keeps mentioning that the fight that led to our divorce 4 months ago is unforgivable. It was a fight about his citizenship, not infidelity, honestly, I think it's just the straw that broke the camel's back. I have no idea what to do at this point. I'm so emotionally defeated. Should I just give him the divorce. He sounds like he absolutely hates me. I don't want to force him to stay married to me. I'm just so lost right now.
He also said I'm prolonging the divorce because I want us back together. Truth be told I don't know at this point what I want. I just know I don't want to make this decision with so much raw emotion involved.
Well right now I'm just keeping as silent and dark as possible so I don't have to deal with H or divorce right now. I want to get out of this depression and into doing something for myself before dealing with this mess.
It seems like everytime I talk to H for something like moving stuff in or out of apt, he brings up the topic of divorce. So if I don't talk to him, no divorce. Ignorance is bliss right? Also, I don't feel like we've truly been NC as we were always talking about separation. Maybe if I go true NC then time can be my friend. I don't want to get back together right now, I just want time and lots of it. I want time to think, figure out my life, and try to find happiness within myself before getting into this legal battle. (Not that there will be much of one.) I'm hoping he won't contact me about divorce and I can just breathe.
I know it sounds stupid, but for the last few days whenever I feel the urge to write H anything, even if it's about his stuff he needs to pick up, I just write it out, and then delete it. I delete everything. I feel like just by writing it down, it's good enough. It's been helping me keep true NC. After reading DB again, I think there's some truth in that he hasn't felt that he has had true time and space form me. I haven't felt it either.
In the beginning I think I made the huge mistake of really just assisting in the separation/divorce. I didn't want it, but I had the attitude of if you are going to ask me for one let's just sign the papers today and get it over with. I've had an entirely negative attitude, and everytime I backslide, it just means I'll have to go that much longer to prove my good behavior. I have yet to make it over a month without backsliding.
So this month's goal, just be happy with myself. I was doing good with my workouts, so I want to continue them. I'm thinking of going to the costume store picking out a sexy (not slutty) costume that's a size smaller, and having a goal of fitting into it by Halloween. I think I can drop a size by Halloween. I'll still be overweight, and have a ways to go, but one size is good enough for now. I'm thinking of doing some small Halloween get together with friends. I like the smaller parties, not the loud can't remember where my bra is the next day party.
It's so good time and time again to have this site. Whenever I feel alone, I just know that i'm not the only one going through all of this. I'm glad everyone here is supportive.
Well right now I'm just keeping as silent and dark as possible so I don't have to deal with H or divorce right now.
That's perfectly fine. Often when the LBS goes dark on the WAS then it takes all the pressure off the WAS and they quit pushing the D quite as hard.
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I know it sounds stupid, but for the last few days whenever I feel the urge to write H anything, even if it's about his stuff he needs to pick up, I just write it out, and then delete it.
Not only does that not sound stupid, but we often recommend doing exactly that to people here. LBS's often feel like they need to write a letter or email to the WAS explaining things, or apologizing, or doing a temperature check, etc. We say by all means write it, then delete it! Don't send it! It has the same therapeutic effect as journaling, it helps you to feel like you got it off your chest even if no one else ever reads it. But sending it would be placing pressure on the WAS at a time they don't want pressure. When people have sent such notes, it's never gone over well. Often the WAS won't even acknowledge that they got it.
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I feel like just by writing it down, it's good enough.
EXACTLY!
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So this month's goal, just be happy with myself.
Great, but it's kind of generic. Break it down into achievable, measurable goals. You mentioned losing weight, good one. Getting a sexy costume and throwing a small party are also good small goals. Try to think of some more.
Thanks AS for reinforcing some of my techniques and listening!
As for goals, well the biggest goal is to find a job. I simply can't support myself alone. I think a huge factor in my depression is the fact I can't afford even groceries right now. My parents have been a huge help in trying to get me on my feet again, but the job market is incredibly slow right now. And, I feel bad for relying on my parents at my age. With a job I would also be able to get rid of a lot of my free time and focus on something more during the day. I apply to about 10 jobs a day, but I'm at the point where even in Los Angeles I'm beginning to hit the same jobs I've already applied for. And I've applied for virtually every job that can sustain me. I've been only at it for a month, and many have told me that's not enough time to expect a reasonably good job. So, I just have to learn to be patient in this regard as well.
Argh, well I was trying to stay dark. H emailed me the dissolution agreement, and told me to read it and agree to it before he filed. I told him I was busy this upcoming week (which I am), but that I have received his email, I'm not ignoring it, and that I will read it when I come back. I told him just to remind me in case I forget. Ok, it's driving me crazy. Why is he pushing the divorce so fast? California has a 6-month waiting period, and he says he doesn't want to wait another month as he wants to tie up this loose end in his life. Has anyone else experienced this? With such a major decision at stake, how can anyone be so certain that they've made up their mind in a few months for something that has been going on for a few years? I just don't understand it. Why the need to get things done yesterday? Even if I wanted to divorce someone (and believe me I have thought of it before this event), I would want to let the idea simmer for awhile before I acted on it. I just want to understand the rush. Please someone explain it to me.
Well, it's been a trying few weeks. I have been dark with H since he sent the dissolution about two weeks ago, and I haven't signed it nor has he brought it up again. For now, I'm just keeping quiet and giving him his space. I still have dreams with him in it, and it makes it extremely hard to forget about him.
I guess it's all about forcing myself to do stuff even if he's on my mind. It's difficult some days, but I'm proud that I'm keeping strong. I've had some true friends that are really making sure I'm staying active in my life.
Hi everyone. I'm a bit more confident in myself and my ability to change now. It's been over a month now since I've spoke to H, and the urges to text him/e-mail/call him have just about ceased. Even if I get his mail I just pile it up. If he really wants it he can contact me and ask for it. Otherwise, I'm not making it my business to see he gets it. He should have forwarded most of his mail by now anyway.
Anyway, a lot of friends have been supportive. They've been inviting to me to all sorts of places, and I've been taking them up on their offers. Before, I would just sit in the apartment and play games. Now, I'm feeling more alive getting out. In LA there's lots to see, so we're certainly not short on anything to do. Trying to stay away from drama. A friend who has heard I was separated, has suddenly come out as wanting to see each other. Don't worry no 2x4's! It is way too early for me. I know I need this time to work on myself first. I told him we can still hang out as friends, but dating is not even a consideration at this time. Weird,not sure if I even want to hang around him, which really is bad because I valued our conversations and his friendship. I guess I'm just spacing myself from those kind of things right now. I don't need to make things more confused. Haha! Still looking for that job. It is so incredibly hard to get your foot in the door as a recent graduate, and I'm pretty open to any job so long as it pays the rent. Most of them require experience. :P I keep hoping as long as I submit so many resumes a day I can get that interview to a secure working environment. I'm just trying to keep as positive as possible.
The beginning of H announcing he wanted a D I felt like I was going to die without him. Now for the first time since this journey has succumbed, I can finally see a future with or without him. I know for once it is not the end of the road even if we don't work out. It's a hard realization, and sometimes I don't want it to be true, but knowing that it is also helps. Knowing I can go on with just myself I think is the first step to really healing from all of this. I hope to continue reading posts on this site and help my inspirations. Really, the stories on here have helped me tremendously getting through this. Thank you for everyone inspiring me so far!
