Learning to detach

[job]

WR,
It will get worse before it gets better. Yes, this is very normal behavior because he' very angry w/life and w/himself. One of the things that I noticed w/my xh is that when he didn't get his way w/his bully tactics, he would become a very angry individual and would take that anger out on anyone in his path.

Oh, yes, he will blame you totally for his crappy life and he will play the victim and vilify you to the nth degree. Don't buy into his drama. Stay the course and ask for a list of his "wants". I had to chuckle over the can opener donation...sounds so much like my xh's mlc escape. They sure don't think things out when the fly the coop.

Don't take whatever he dishes out personally. Try to separate the behavior from the person. The behavior is that of a child who has been hurt very badly and wants to be recognized and have his "fair" share in life. Unfortunately, the way they go about it is destructive and ruins a lot of relationships along the way.

Please try to keep the boys out of the situation as much as possible because I sense that they are getting upset over the way things are going. I know that they hear and see things, but I'd try not to discuss too much of the situation w/them for now.

Stay the course.

[Whiterose]

It's going to get worse with his anger? Really? Oh Lord!

I know the can opener offer.....seriously sil? My sister said, oh good now he can cook for himself!, lol!!!! I think there was an offer of a few other things but S18 didn't elaborate and I didn't ask.

I haven't said anything to S14 about H changing his mind re:furniture, etc. I guessed, and was correct, that H had mentioned his change of mind to S18 on the way home from their dinner. He was upset about it. I'll try to learn the balance a little better....I'm finding it hard as they are so much older and already know/see so much of it

Thank you!

[Wonka]

You could say, "H is a time bomb...and I don't want to be around for the boom."

[Whiterose]

Too true Wonka!! I'm praying he blows in the direction of his new life and I can the "old" life moving forward all tickety boo

[Whiterose]

S18 just asked me if S14 had recovered from the other night? I didn't understand so he explained that when H told S18 he was either taking the tools or the recliners, tv and stero (I was working so not home) all hell broke loose between them S18 used the F bomb to explain the situation to S14 that said

WHY THE F DOES HE NEED OUR STUFF? HE KEEPS HIS F'N TOOLS AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE AND LIVES IS AN F'N BEDROOM WHY DOES HE NEED OUR FURNITURE? And it went on like that apparently. (S14 brought it up to me when I got home which is why I answered that H and I had figured it out and he was going to take his tools and leave the house stuff.....to reassure him it was all taken care of not knowing about the explosion)

I asked S18 if he had mentioned anything to his dad and he said he had told H that S14 was very angry, I think some of what S14 had said, and explained to H S14 was "gone" to him for a while. H's answer....that's why I need money to get my place so S14 can see why I need stuff....S18 even told H that once he got his new place S14 would probably not be visiting for a while. I asked S18 how he was feeling "whatever. I'm angry, hid tools around the house, but whatever"

Apparently, this conversation happened after H messaged me saying he had changed his mind.

[Whiterose]

I had to call S14's school today to see if H had made arrangements to have him go onto bursary but no he bounced the cheque and never contacted the school. Of course, the school called him to discuss options, went to voicemail, and this was the text message exchange (I did call after his intosl message to have an actual conversation but it also went to voice mail)

OK not sure if you have figured it out yet or not but I have not and will not be paying anything until we sort stuff out i have too many things to pay and I'm starting with nothing your unwillingness to make this work has forced to do this I need to be able to have a home feed myself and have transportation for work which includes gas and insurance and I'm now way behind with bill payments as well as getting phone calls for payments you were suppose to be making.

My response
Considering you're the one that left, maybe it's not my unwillingness but your inability to have made the appropriate plans before going that has created a situation where you are unable to care for your children's needs and lash out at the woman who is ensuring their well being.

As I said in our phone conversation of a few weeks ago what you do with your money is your business but your needs do not negate the needs of our boys. You, also, cannot take for granted that I am in a position to do everything for our boys financially. If you are unable to pay then you, as his father, should recognize S14 is an extremely fragile state and that pulling him out of school is not a sound option, gone to the school and made arrangements that work for you and our son.

While you are concerned with your groceries, gas, bills and lodging I am concerned for that of our boys. Please, don't confuse their needs as solely my own. You needed to leave, that's fine I'm not stopping you or disagreeing, but we still need to provide for our children in a way that lessens the impact for them emotionally and physically. I am here, willingly, to provide as much as I can while you work through your changes


Up until now you've made very little opportunity to discuss the best plan of action for them When you're available to have a conversation about our boys and the best way to support them together please feel free to give me a call

His response
As per the norm you do very little listening with lots of opinions I will not be putting any money towards anything until you move forward I have to pay my past due bills so I can continue to go to work and eat.

My response
Would you like me to explain the repercussions to our sons or would you prefer to?

I haven't heard anything back yet even though his initial response was within 5 minutes

I KNOW I probably said everything wrong but holy crap!!!! Uggg. So upset right now

[job]

WR,
Please keep that text message for documentation. Yes, you've laid it all out for him, but as you can see, it's all about him and his needs. You can't rationalize w/him and he will never "hear" what you are saying. You are what they call "white noise" in his head. I'm so sorry, but you've got to push ahead and get something done about ensuring support for your boys.

Please take care of yourself.

[Wonka]

His response
As per the norm you do very little listening with lots of opinions I will not be putting any money towards anything until you move forward I have to pay my past due bills so I can continue to go to work and eat.

I would put the ball back in his court and ask what he meant by not listening to him. And what would that look like to him and what is he looking at?

[Whiterose]

Thank you Snodderly. I have been to the lawyer but, as I'm not an accountant, I have made some income errors that I need to go to the acct to figure out. Ugggg. Meeting with acct is next Wednesday. Will get the financials sworn after that.

I completely understand I cannot reason with him but how does one have a rational conversation regarding your most previous investment, our children, when their father is bat sh1t crazy????? I think my response, although strongly worded, was very rational and thought out. It took me two hours and three people to write so that I didn't come off looney bins. Part of me REALLY wants to say screw it let's see how long this can go for him before he cracks for real and I'll keep paying status quo but I know, of course, that is cutting off my own nose to spite my face. But, I rREALLY want too lol.

Wonka, do you think he'd even answer me? In the last few weeks he's accused me of a lot (stalling, recording our phone conversation, "talking to people", changing how I talk, playing a victim and each time I've asked him how/who/explained my side to which he has no response because there is NO BASIS for his accusations at this point. I don't think he'll respond but if he does respond to my last text I may, just as a try, ask him just that.

I think I'm the one spinning crazy looney bins right now. Lol.

Thank you both!!!!!

[job]

WR,
He's very paranoid and even if you were to ask him about his comments, I seriously doubt that he would have a rational answer that would make sense to you and anyone else living in the real world. This man is just out there and right now, he's learning the hard way that you can't leave home and think life is going to be all rosy because it's not. He, like so many others, didn't think things thru and they are finding out that life isn't the way that they planned it.

I think that in his mind, like so many others, they would run away and we would take on all of the responsibilities that they left behind. We would foot the bills totally and they could get off scot free. Very few will still pay on time and be there for their children. I'm sorry he's out there. It just annoys me when I read how he's behaving. Withholding funds is not the way to go and he doesn't realize it, but his sons are aware of what he's doing and once the damage is done, it is very difficult to correct the problems.

Poor, dumb fool.