BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

[Accuray]

I know it may be controlling, but I know there's going to come a day when I am going to flat out tell my W she needs to do this ^^^^ if she wants any change. That she is the only one that can make herself happy etc

You're talking about making an ultimatum. That is generally your last resort, and usually not effective until you follow through on the consequence, implied or stated.

We all have a breaking point, where it is no longer worth it to continue to stand for a marriage that has little to no hope of improving. When you get there, providing an ultimatum is, in my opinion, a loving thing to do as you are giving the person a last chance to step up before you leave. It is their decision to respond or not, you are not making the decision for them.

If you feel this is on your horizon, it's time to start planning now. Who will move out? How will you afford it? How will you co-parent? The more you work on figuring this out in advance, the stronger your position will be if things do come to that point.

I hope for your sake it doesn't come to that, but you might want to read the book on "Controlled Separation" -- that book gives a prescription for separating, with a set of rules, with an eye on reconciling after a break. The separation and distance may be what your W needs to get the fuel to recommit. I see you in danger of being in limbo for a long time on your current course.

WRT IC, I agree with HopefulStill. Many IC's see it as their goal to help the person "feel better". If you are perceived to be the source of their bad feelings, the IC will encourage them to leave and help them move beyond it. My W's IC gave her the script for how to tell your H your M is over.

Acc