Taking the next step

[Not Quitting]

Hi MH, IMO I'd just leave things the way they are with no talks about R or other. I know it's frustrating that you don't seem to getting further the path towards R, but you've got to remember baby steps. I think you're doing great at this and I don't feel you need to change anything

MH, I agree with TTD. You doing great .

I know you know all this already but sometimes we all need reminding of what we're supposed to be doing to get where we're heading
Like you said, don't forget how far you've come. The fact she doesn't want a D now is a huge leap forward. She may say it's not changed anything, but she's obviously had second thoughts for some reason

Another gentle reminder of this needed ?

Don't you dare bring up any talks about where you are going with this or you'll be getting 2x4s coming at you left, right and centre, lol. Not just from me either
Oh and I don't want to hear - yes I know all this but...

That goes double for me MH – you don’t want those 2x4’s

I just wish I had your energy, motivation and enthusiasm to get jobs done around the house. I need one of those house renovator TV programmes to come in and do it all for me

Once again I agree with TTD. You are one of the posters on this forum that’s been keeping me going . You’re allowed to backslide a little every now and then but don’t you go backsliding too much .

I can't remember if it was TTD or NQ or both, discussing house keys, but in my sitch, she has keys to this place, but I don't have them for the new house (or the car!). At some point, I may have to discuss this inequity with her.

That’s one thing I’ve accomplished – my H has handed over his keys to this place. You definitely do need to do something about that inequity.

Oh, and speaking of cars - I finally put in for the rest of my vacation days for the year. I'm going to take a solid week just to get this dump buttoned up for the winter, and also FIND A CAR! Not sure where to find the $ for it, but.... easy financing I suppose. LOL

Oh no, now you’re setting the bar on decluttering and organizing. Guess I’d better get my finger out and start on mine .

On the other hand, stopping the D to stay separated was a big step, too. And, she's coming over right now for our usual weekend activities of going to a movie and to lunch, doing some grocery shopping, and she's bringing the Iron Man 3 DVD to watch for the umpteenth time (we both love the Marvel superhero movies).

At least your W is still talking to you and doing stuff with you – my H barely talks to me when he comes to see S13 and on those rare occasions that he does speak, he doesn’t look me in the eye any more.

That reminds me, I've got to pick up that DVD to go with the collection - S13 and I love the marvel superhero movies as well

[TryingToDo180]

Oh no, now you’re setting the bar on decluttering and organizing. Guess I’d better get my finger out and start on mine

I agree with NQ here, I've got so much to do I've not got time for any decluttering, lol.

[MileHigh]

So... remember when I said I'd unwrapped the books I got W for her b-day, and put the card in the flap of a book and put them on the closet shelf? Well, the wrapping paper and envelope were in the bathroom trash can, in plane site when she was over this weekend. I'm pretty sure she saw them - she just had a look when she came out of the bathroom. Also, I took the car for a grocery run, so she had plenty of snooping time (I even left my unsecured iPad....). Anyway, it also looks like the books were moved and the card was poking out and I'm sure when I left it, it was tucked in where it wasn't even showing. Oops. I almost feel bad, but.... not quite.

On the positive side, we had a good day Saturday at the movies and lunch. Spent some time at the mall. We watched a movie at the house when I got back from the store. She wanted to go to to dinner tonight (her treat) but we were both pretty tired, so looks like we're going tomorrow. I think she said she'd pay because I told her I'd stopped and topped off the gas in the car and that my debit card was rejected at the grocery store.

This is the interesting bit from this weekend's field report:

The FB cheating husband story - she told me about a school friend, who posted a couple rants on FB about her cheating husband (he's in the Navy and it seems he has a woman in every port) The weird thing is she told the story like the H was the bad guy (he is...) but without any sense of irony.

[MileHigh]

Forgot to mention - she said maybe the cheating H of her friend was having a midlife crisis because they'd been together so long.

She seemed really eager to tell me all about it. Kind of like some of the other stories she's told me about the marital problems of friends, family and clients.

[Not Quitting]

MH, she sounds like my H - doesn't see the parallels with themselves. My H kept telling all about the marital problems his BB (as you abbreviated beer buddy on my thread) discussed with him over their beer or two (or three ) but couldn't see that there were issues in our marriage. Even after BD he would still discuss BB's marriage problems and laugh about the fact that BB had been having an affair for a couple of years but had repeatedly denied it to his now XW. He kept saying that BB's actions were justified because the now XW was "off her rocker" as they both so quaintly put it.

They're not capable of seeing that what they're doing is the same because in their minds it's not - they're not the ones being cheated on now are they. And after BD, my H was also really eager to discuss his "friend" and their activities together - as if I want to hear what he's not doing to work on his marriage despite the fact that he kept insisting that he was. Even after BD, he would still say that BB's situation and ours were completely different. In my H's mind, he didn't have an affair because he'd already given me the ILYBINILWY speech before the EA became PA. He also tells me now that all his friends don't see anything wrong with what he did and is still doing because we're separated so what he gets up to doesn't affect the M any more .

This really is a crazy train that our spouses have chosen to ride, and to drag us along with them.

[MileHigh]

Ooooog. Don't you love that logic?!

I still remember my first W justifying her cheating by saying "I didn't feel married!" Well.... That makes it perfectly ok. She was a classic case. Married that guy, took all her problems with her, then divorced him, then lived with a few more guys. Took her 20 years to find a R that seems to be working. I really hope it does this time, as they have a child.

So, today I wonder if I can manage to put the food back in the cabinet or move the desk.... Time for the 3 minute rule! Need to get back to it!!!!

We can do this! Right? Lemme hear it!

[Not Quitting]

You're obsessed with that food MH .

Yes, we can do this and we will do this !!!

[MileHigh]

The funny thing about that story my W told me Saturday was that the poor woman has been getting calls from several potential OW. Somehow they're calling because he gave out the number on a dating site or something. She put up a notice to all the ladies doing reference checks on her H that he's not divorced, but soon will be!

Ouch. W even told me she commented, and she showed me the original posts on her phone. I tried to find her friend later, but she must be hidden from me. Would love to know what W said!!!!

[Not Quitting]

Sounds about right. My H kept saying how stupid his BB was for what he was doing to his kids and family. Guess what's ok for them isn't ok for someone else The poor woman - obviously her H isn't thinking with the right head

The funniest thing with my H is that one of the "senior" ladies at his Legion told OW point-blank that there was absolutely nothing wrong with his M until she stuck her nose in somewhere it shouldn't have been and that he had been lying to her from the get-go about being in a bad marriage, and she also told her that she hopes her kid doesn't grow up to be an amoral and unethical person like his mom. Ouch - don't mess with those little old ladies - they don't pull their punches Of course this particular little old lady sees my son as a surrogate grandson as she has none of her own and absolutely adores him. She's also been very supportive of me and has offered a "shoulder to cry on or just a sympathetic ear" if I want one. And the majority of the members, male and female and staff included, won't talk to OW or H when they're in there together unless they absolutely have to. Of course, I've heard most of this third hand, but when its more than one person saying the same thing there has to be some truth to it.....

[TryingToDo180]

My H has never mentioned about anyone being stupid to split up their family, etc. He probably know what the answer from me will be, lol. I like your old woman at the legion NQ I hope that H and his "friend" get a mouthful if they go anywhere together. It's not very Christian of me I know, but I do like hearing about things like that
I'll repeat that chant as well - we must get the decluttering done! I keep looking at the bookcase in the lounge and think I must start that soon, lol. It doesn't get any further though than just thinking about it, lol. I keep coming up with excuses such as I need a box to put everything in it, my friend's borrowed my steamer so I've do it when I get it back, etc, lol. At the mo though I've got a college assignment to finish which has got to be in by next week! eeeeek!