BC, I've said this before, but there are a lot of similarities here to my experience. It's frustrating, because you know there is a path back to a good M, but your wife is being passive and not acting. It's a stressful existence, to put it mildly.
What I was fighting, and I think you are too, was continued interaction with the OM. It keeps them holding on to the fantasy of the affair, and it guarantees that her mind won't be focused on a relationship with you. It seems there are times when she is more involved with talking to him than at other times. Perhaps this is one of those times? It seems that you have done what you can at this point, it's really got to come down to her. You know my story, for us it came down to a choice point- until then she was "fogged out". It still amazes me as I read posts on here how similar the scripts are among total strangers.
My view on IC for your wife- I'd avoid it. I agree with MWD and others that it can make things worse for your M. Many ICs will unwittingly push your wife towards "chasing her own dream" and possibly leaving you for the OM. Not many seem really committed to saving marriages (many are divorced themselves!). You can fix this on your own. Right now, your wife isn't thinking clearly because she is effectively on drugs- addicted to her affair. She can't really "feel" your changes, even though she can recognize them. If she could stop communicating with him forever, I know that she would come back to you in her heart. Unfortunately, if she's feeling down, or just wants to see if he's there, she can reach out whenever she wants (and he to her as well).
My heart goes out to you, I know it's very hard. -hs
