What the...?

[lovethehub]

I'm curious how you got your H to breakthrough to you as far as not running away when things get tough. My H does the exact same thing, instead of even thinking the remote possibility that he could work at something he runs! He has done this since he was 17, got angry at his parents, so he found a job in the mountains and moved out, w no regret. Just like now.

PM,

The only difference in our M came when we quit talking about our R and I was able to truly understand my part and apologize. Once I apologized, without any justification or mentioning a single thing H did, I believe it made H a lot less defensive and he was able to open up a little. So I didn't really do anything other than quit blaming him and accepting responsibility for my actions in the M. He was also in IC for a while; I know this helped him to look at his overall behavior because, like your H, that is how he had always dealt with things. He grew up in an alcoholic home (both parents) and his father was very angry and yelled a lot so H learned withdrawal. Now, I am doing my best to keep the lines of communication open. We spent some time together yesterday morning and I used the opportunity to check in with him and see how he was feeling about things and if there was anything he wanted to talk about. Before I would have just assumed everything was okay by the way they are going but we have both learned that isn't true.

[JuneReN]

LTH-good for you guys!

I am sending all my positive energy to you today

[AnotherStander]

MrBond, we are definitely interested in C. At the moment, we are financially unable to go.

Look into RetroV, it is an amazing experience and they are set up to accept those who are not financially able to pay for the program. They try to encourage other people to pay extra so that those who can't pay can still go. There is no set "price" for the program, they state what the costs are and then ask people to pay what they can.

I'm curious how you got your H to breakthrough to you as far as not running away when things get tough. My H does the exact same thing, instead of even thinking the remote possibility that he could work at something he runs!

My W too. She's so afraid of conflict she'd rather run/ avoid than risk the possibility of it, even when the possibility is almost zero. I have no doubt she'll take that baggage into her next R. I wonder if she'll ever figure out it's her and not me.

[lovethehub]

AS,

Thanks. H and I checked into Retrouvaille, however, it was in August several hours from home. Not only is it almost impossible for him to get the weekend off at that time of year (the restaurant he manages is on a golf course), but even if he could se couldn't commit to the follow-up becuse it would had required him to take a day off every weekend. We would like to go if it comes closer to home.

[jp787]

LTH, Great news! I hope things go well for both of you.

My gut reaction to what you have posted is that you may be biting off more that you can chew. Let me explain what I mean.

Going back to school is something that is great and I think you should do it, but maybe not right now. I understand you may have excitement and motivation, the reason I say this is I think it may divert you from working on your M. It is a great Gal and way to improve you and I could go on and on, I'm not saying don't just thinking wait until things settle some and make marriage counseling a priority, whatever it takes.

My W went back to school online and got her BA for nursing and then her masters as a nursing educator. It was very time consuming and expensive. Worth every penny, not because it got her advancements, but because she did something for her. So I am 100% for you doing it!

I just want you to succeed with your marriage.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe you can do it all running, that is your call.

Just my thoughts.

[MrBond]

"We would like to go if it comes closer to home."

Let's face it. You're never going to find something that's going to fit EXACTLY the way you want it to. The key is how much is your M worth? To me, it's worth more than a job. M is for life. If your H was serious, it's time for him to rearrange his priorities. What's more important? M or work?

[lovethehub]

JP,

Thanks, I understand what you are saying and it has crossed my mind this last week because our time together is so limited (I am one month into school). However, I have been looking for a job for over a year and I was unsuccessful. I lost track of how many jobs I applied for and I didn't even get an interview (of course, now that I am in school I have heard from 3 companies that I applied to last spring!). A guy I knew ran an ad for an Admin Asst and received over 600 replies; my friends company offered a bonus for someone to bring in a telemarketer because when her boss ran the ad he received almost 500 replies and he 'didn't feel like sifting through them'. It is a very tough job market, I am even struggling to find a restaurant that needs a server or bartender (which I plan to do 1-2 nights a week while in school).

The good part about my program is it is 10 months. In June I will graduate with my LPN and I can go to work immediately. I will pursue my RN but most likely will wait until after my son has his surgery as that will require us to live out of state for 2 months.

MrBond,

I realize nothing will fit exactly, however, when my H took this job (in June) he committed to working doubles Thurs-Sat and Sunday day. If Retrouvaille was one weekend, that would have been one thing but we could not commit to 6 weekends. I do not take this as my H's priorities being in the wrong place because the reality is, we are barely getting by and if he were to lose this job we would be looking at the very real possibility of not being able to put food on the table, gas in the car, pay for health insurance or maybe even lose our home. So while we have put it on the back burner (unless it comes closer to home in the meantime) it doesn't mean we have closed the door on it. We cannot afford $100-$200 in fees for counseling because we have cut our grocery bill as low as possible while still trying to provide decent meals for our children, we are juggling bills from month to month and my son has been having major issues with his condition. We are traveling to Baltimore more frequently and also incurring the additional cost of a counselor for him. We are very aware of how fragile our reconciliation can be and we are doing all we possibly can at the moment. I appreciate your wise words because I value what you say, we are keeping an eye out for it and we are on a waiting list for counseling through a program in our town that provides it for free. We have used this service in the past and we will evaluate the counselor should we clear that list.

In the meantime, we are doing our best!

[AnotherStander]

I agree with MrBond, if the two of you are really committed to make the M work then surely there's some flexibility in the work schedule. I know my W and I had to sacrifice to make it work, but what some of the others had to do to get there was way beyond what we had to do.

Some of the people that participated in our weekend flew in from great distances. There were followups closer to their homes, so they flew to the main weekend and then had the followups in their area. Perhaps you could check into that. The weekend is by far the most important part, the followups build on what you learn over the weekend.

[lovethehub]

Thanks AS

[T1000]

That is what I would have struggled with RV. The follow up weekends.
One weekend is OK to sort out, 4-5 weekends miles away from home with kids involved is a logistical nightmare.