Drove to the bar and saw that her car was there. Took a quick peek through the bar windows but saw nothing.
Drove home.
In the wee hours, I'm plan to drive past her place, and then his, just to see where the cars are sleeping. I have not confirmed this affair has passed from EA to PA, but I need to know. Not planning on confronting, or doing anything crazy.
If she is there, I will not use that knowledge until the time presents itself.
Knowledge is power.
It is better to hold secret knowledge in reserve, than to spill it away for no reason.
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
OK. Her car was at her place. Surprised the heck out of me, frankly.
Conclusion? Four distinct possibilities:
1) I have miscalculated, and they are merely "just friends". 2) She (and/or he) is taking the moral highroad and are saving the consummation of the PA until the D is final, or at least until it is further along. 3)They have already consummated it, and now one of them has decided to break it off already. 4) Some other scenario I can't get my head around.
I realize that all of this conjecture and spying on my part violates several primary rules of DBing; namely I need to quit trying to apply logic to the MLC mind; I need to let go and detach; I need to quit snooping.
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
I know moderation is frustrating. It isn't permanent and has nothing to do with grammar and everything to do with following the rules that folks agreed to when registering.
To be more specific dont post any links to anything that is not on this DB board. This forum is here to promote MWD and coaching, stick to that and you will be fine!
I know moderation is frustrating. It isn't permanent and has nothing to do with grammar and everything to do with following the rules that folks agreed to when registering.
To be more specific dont post any links to anything that is not on this DB board. This forum is here to promote MWD and coaching, stick to that and you will be fine!
Okay. Got it. I promise not to post any outside links. Done and done.
So. Can I get off moderation now?
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
I realize that all of this conjecture and spying on my part violates several primary rules of DBing; namely I need to quit trying to apply logic to the MLC mind; I need to let go and detach; I need to quit snooping.
Right. Worry about your life, and make it into one of meaning and purpose without your wife in it. What new things are you doing for you?
Not only does chasing her around take the focus off you, but when she finds out it will push her even further away and hurt your chances of recommitment. You already said an A is not a deal breaker, right?
I went to a divorce support meetup a couple weeks ago. In his introduction one of the men there told the group about how his wife had him arrested, twice, for following and confronting her and her new lover.
Next time you consider confronting them just think about how well it works on the TV show "Cheaters". lol
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
First, I read your sitch and I am sorry for what you are going through. Everyone here understands the panic, the frustration, the anger, etc. You will find great advice here, I know I did. And FY is one of the best. Listen to what he is saying about snooping. I heard the advice, but didn't listen to it and still snooped like crazy. What I found ended up confirming fears I had and it didn't make me feel any better, just made me more of an obsessed nutcase. Instead of focusing on what I was not giving her that her EA/Obsession was, instead of focusing on my kids, instead of taking care of myself, I was constantly trying to learn more and more about her and OM and the more I learned, the worse I got. Everyone here told me to let it go, but I had the "fire burning" and couldn't/wouldn't. Sounds like you might be there.
My sitch was very different from yours in that things hadn't deteriorated nearly as bad, W was still home, etc. But, I did confront her about it ultimately and time will tell long term if that was the right move. Short term, yes, but as T said above, these things have a way of coming roaring back.
Assume your scenario #4. You are a smart guy and if you were analyzing this empirically, what conclusion would you reach? You know the answer, doing drive-bys, peeking in bar windows, and who knows what else, is telling you what? She is going to do what she is going to do, at this point assume the worst if you need to in order to deal with it, but don't keep snooping. I know that sounds harsh, but I am saying it from a perspective of sympathy, like the others here.
BTW, when I did confront my W, it didn't go as I thought it would. I am an analytic guy who played the scenario through in my head a million times and when it came time to actually confront, all that went out the door. As Mike Tyson (the great philosopher...) once said "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." Some of my W's responses made me wish I was getting punched in the mouth and I quickly lost my ability to maintain my composure and logical approach.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
She insists that she is not leaving for another man. That, "this D is not about that." Now that I know she is lying to me or to herself, should I bring it up?
Basically she is lying to herself...though she doesn't "know" she is. They do find the most ingenious ways of justifying this thing they are going through.
Eventually they start figuring out it is within themselves, hopefully.
The more you can step back, use your logic (I call it my Mr. Spock persona) the easier it is to look past the cr@p they dish out, the easier to separate the behavior from the person, to see what is real, that they are in pain, and scared. Empty.
Don't bring it up, OM is nothing, and usually they affair down to make themselves superior, etc. Don't give OM any of YOUR valuable head space, he isn't worth it. At all...
Hang in there!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
