Labug, Of course I would seek advice and help and of course everything is not nefarious (nice word by the way – had to look it up smile ) Everybody is doing that – and should! In my somewhat inexperienced opinion, Ts wife have shown rather threatening behavior several times. She has tried to gain control by this. I read her words as somewhat different and thereby thought this was evidence of her being beyond threatening this time. With her history (sorry for attacking your W, T!) a lot of all this could be BS but if she is having counseling it properly isn’t. I get your points and agree to them but I also do believe that Ts Ws history in communication should be taken into consideration every time she states something.
I think you and I have different a viewpoint.
When I go looking for something, I usually find it, positive or negative. So I try not to carry those negative intentions into interactions. I'm not completely there yet but I'm working at it and I know that having a positive intention can completely change the tenor of interactions.
I've seen many people here constantly wrapped up in what the spouse is doing or saying. We have no control over that. I find that it works best for me to be fully in control of me, which includes my responses and my boundaries. It then doesn't matter what the other person says or does if I'm true to myself and my boundaries I won't be bamboozled. (another good word)
Too often we want to blame others for what we have created through not being honest, not speaking our mind respectfully, not getting our needs met. We don't slow down enough to realize that what we dislike most in others is a shadow of ourselves. We might see others as gameplayers because we ourselves operate from that same place. Example, in the past I felt constantly judged because I was very judgmental and so assumed that everyone was. Having that mindset, I misinterpreted most everything people said as judgmental which made for some very poor R and a very unhappy me.
That was all me. That's why we need to focus on the only thing we can control.
Ourselves.
There's an old, but still very relevant, Pogo comic strip and the line is: We have met the enemy and he is us.
Figure out who you are, what you truly want, what you truly don't want and be honest with yourself and others; life will look very different.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
