Putting aside my feelings is the hardest thing right now for me. But you are right - it is only when I let go of my needs that any real progress can be made. This really is a lesson on how to die to self and put others before me. As much as I hate to admit it, I've really been selfish these last few months. While there is no doubt that I want to save this marriage,that desire cannot become more important than making sure my wife's needs are met - that I show her love regardless of the outcome.
Today my prediction was spot on. She was cold, distant and spent almost all day with OM (they actually took a road trip near another town for several hours). When she got up this morning she asked me what I wanted to do about the cruise (Monday is the last day to pay - I thought it was today for some reason). I told her that I wanted to go to the cruise - that it would be great for our daughter. I also told her that she has to do what she feels comfortable with. She responded that she doesn't want to pay for the trip only to have us separate before the trip and she left with the bill. I told her that I wanted to make our marriage work and that I would help her with the trip regardless. Honestly, I wish I cold just go on the trip with my daughter alone at this point but I couldn't afford it without my wife's help. She told me she needed time to think about it.
The rest of the day we pretty much have had no contact other than brief moments here or there. My daughter and I had fun together though. We went to go look for holloween decorations and ended up being some Christmas stuff instead (go figure). I am back to sleeping on my daughter's bed for a while it seems. Lots of trust was broken this weekend with the whole zoo incident but that's okay. I must trust everyday as if I am starting over. My dad has been real supportive throughout all this (suprising as we were never close growing up). My daughter told me today that yesterday OM, wife and her went out to eat together but that mom said not to mention anything to me. Normally this would bother me but today I just don't care. If my wife wants to go with OM - she can have at it. I can only control my actions and the changes I am making - are for me and me alone. Tomorrow is another day - I know that she will continue to be cold and distant - so my goal is to not let it get to me - to maintain at PMA and just focus on me.
