Surviving Separation

[slow_it_down]

Yesterday was a pretty important day in my DB path. I caught myself getting caught up in my old habits and had to hit the reset button on myself and remind myself what I'm working for.

Last week my H was adamant about wanting to come home daily and said he hates being at his place... Acting like he couldn't miss a day of being around me and our S. Now a week out he's pulling back big time and hasn't been over in 4 days. Also, the last day he was here he was texting like crazy and kept shaking his head like it was a very involving conversation. He ended up leaving not long afterward.

My trust in him is down to 0 or maybe -100. I also don't feel that loving warm feeling when we're together. After all that time pining for him while we are apart it's strange to not feel any connection now that we're trying to work through things.

With all that being said I've found myself being very caught up in the day-to-day developments rather than watching for positive trends overall. I've also been focused on me and getting what I need now rather than continuing to give him the space he needs to work his own stuff out at his own pace.

Yesterday I reminded myself that if i could offer him unconditional love when I was pregnant and he had a girlfriend than I can certainly cut him some slack while he tries to come back. One step forward, two steps back is to be expected and I just can't let my need to know where this is going sabotage a possible reconciliation.

[Confluences]

How's it been going the past few days? Backsliding or the feeling of backsliding is to be expected. Got to keep the focus on yourself and what's important for you.

[slow_it_down]

My H has had some health issues the past few weeks that are really putting the breaks on any reconciling or moving in any direction at all. As he's not feeling well he's spending increasing time at his place and less and less here. I see no end in sight until they figure out what is wrong with him.

On the one hand I feel like a huge jerk for always feeling suspicious of his behavior (is he really sick when bailing on things, or is it something else...)

On the other hand the fact that he was starting to act like our home was "home" for him again and now that he's not feeling well he doesn't come around creates an interesting dynamic. If he lived here he'd be home when he's sick, tired, etc. Note that he's not contagious so it's not like he's avoiding us so we don't get sick. Plus he's certainly not looking to me for comfort and continues to keep me at arms length being somewhat distant when we are together.

I'm continuing to do my own thing and trying to keep my expectations set on him not being around much... Making my own plans and having my own fun. Like today I planned a hiking trip for me and the baby rather than sitting around waiting to hear if he wanted to come over. To my surprise my H actually joined us and we had a nice afternoon.

Lastly, the lack of physical connection has made things feel sort of odd. When he first started coming around he initiated some awkward cuddling and a stray awkward kiss or two. Now, even if he stays over there is no contact whatsoever. It's odd to not get a morning kiss before work or after he gets home. I have to say it really feels like we are just friends w/ neither of us feeling like we need more right now. I try to remember I just had a baby so I'm not 100% yet. Plus he's not feeling the best and I know watching someone have a baby could be traumatic ha ha. However I'm just wondering when the desire for physical contact or intimacy will return for either of us.

On the whole things are nether good nor bad... Just on autopilot till he feels better I guess.

[Preggonomore]

Hi, Im new here and just read your post for the first time.

I'm pregnant and H got back from deployment saying he is in love with OW. Did your H love the OW? How long did it last and how did he decide to end? I wonder if after e have a baby he will start coming around?

[Whiterose]

Congratulations on the baby sid!!

I'm just getting caught up on your situation again......it seems like your mil was a great help.

Great ideat to gal. Enjoy your previous time with all three of the kids.

Maybe autopilot is good right now? That way you can focus on what you need to?

Take care

[slow_it_down]

Hi Preggonow,
To be honest I have no idea how long they were together or if they were/are in love. I think things may have ended between them when he started talking and texting me again. She got jealous of me (so funny!) and suddenly she was the crazy jealous one in his eyes. (Accusing him of having feelings for me).

For all I know they are still together or still talking. I haven't asked and don't intend to any time soon. Until we are on better ground I want him to see me as being happy and self confident (even if I have to fake it) with or without him.

He keeps making slow positive strides so whether there is an OW doesn't change my plans.

Hi Whitehorse. Yes, auto pilot is better than where we were a few months ago. Thanks for stopping by. How have you been?

[slow_it_down]

Stupid auto correct - I meant "hi white rose" not white horse!

[Preggonomore]

Wow, you are way tougher than I.

[Confluences]

Hey Perggonow~

Slow and I have both been at this simultaneously working on our own SITCH.

"Toughness" comes with making the effort to gain a sense of objectivity & clarity with the DB Principles like detaching, focusing on yourself, GAL, even going dark. None of this is easy but you got to approach it like it is the only option once you get clarity on what definitely does not work in your favor.

Sandi2's 37 Rules under the Newcomer's section, was the baseline for me getting clarity and starting the process of getting a strategy in place and committing yourself to sticking with it.

Remember, we were all new at this too not too long ago and it's a learned process to separate yourself from the "emotional drag" that everyone has to deal with during the process. It's hard work but the changes will come with time. Hang in there!

[Confluences]

That's nice that he joined you on the afternoon hike with the baby. I'd consider that a positive versus your feelings of backsliding. The whole lack of physical contact definitely creates a void and I know that if my W and I get back on track that will be an issue as well.

Feeling like friends for now is not a bad thing and an opportunity to hopefully put a new foundation in place. Give it time and be patient. I always hear about that emotional void post pregnancy with a lot of couples. Hope you keep doing more hikes and he joins you, got to take advantage of Fall weather.