Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[MyNewStrength]

^^bump

[25yearsmlc]

L and discover a better version of me.

But the rules are:

I need to re examine the 180 rules

I need to GAL like you - how many things did you become involved with 25yearsml?


I did all of the things I listed, and more. It really helped in so many ways. And I looked good b/c getting in shape was a big part of it at the start.

I cannot over stress the GAL part about DBing and life in general. Otherwise we are spectators. IF we don't Get A Life, we don't have a life.

Imagine your life were a novel. Who is writing it? You want to be the author of your life, right?

So how do YOU want the next chapter to go? How do you want your book/life flow? AUTHOR IT YOURSELF.

I will be realistic in my temperament and carefully when I speak with him.

Did purgatory ever get back with her H and how are you?

I don't recall if Purgatory got back with her h but I witnessed a ton of change in her and that's what inspired so many. She became a happier woman, no matter what else happened.

A lot of this is about creating our own happiness and NOT expecting or demanding our spouses do so. Or blaming them for our own unhappiness.

A man named Crimson is similar, though his wife and he are still divorced but they talk more and I can't say they are really over. But HE IS A BETTER MAN for this ordeal. That means something.

KeepGoing's thread is also inspiring b/c she is a changed, better woman, AND a better mother than before.

I like to think I am a better person for all this. YES my h and I reconciled as you can see in the signature block.

I don't think we'd have lasted however, without getting NEW TOOLS and that is what we did at Retrovaille, and a workshop we had attended years earlier, called "Essential Experience", which were both life changing.

I think many couples reconcile too fast and without the NEW WAYS of behaving and new ways of communicating that are mandatory to have a better marriage.

We all get complacent at times and let ourselves off the hook too much.

Sometimes way too much. We have to be wary and we have to start realizing that if most of our conversation with our spouse is negative, that is a dangerous place to be.

I am amazed at how many men bully their wives and don't realize it,

and I am amazed at how many women withold sex or affection from their h's b/c they somehow think that they'd be "rewarding" bad behavior

as if being cold to their h's encourages loving behavior....

and I was one of those. I got a DB coach who resonated with me and that's probably the single best thing I did along with coming here.

But it's not all. I did a lot of praying, reading and GAL and over hauling myself. I examined a lot of things in me I did not care for and started replacing behaviors I wanted to change, with new ones.

And my life and I let go of my m and my h. I accepted that it was over as it was, and that I needed to be in charge of MY life.

It was incredibly freeing after being stuck in a frozen panic of fear.

To know that I really was going to fine, regardless....and my kids loved me and we were all pretty healthy.

A lot worse things happen in this world than having a marriage end.

NO one is shooting at me, denying me the right to vote or work, no one is raping my daughters or enlisting my son in a rebel army or declaring how we are to pray or if we can. I have electricity and a refrigerator with food in it, and health care.

A ton of women don't...in fact, most women in the world do NOT have the above^^.

I put things in perspective and GAL big time. And when I let go of h, and made myself happy with or without h,

creating MY future in a way that felt good to me, I was getting pretty happy.

And my h wasn't. In a nutshell, I think that's what happened. He realized he was alone and not in a better place.

I happened to be in a better place and I also felt that the life I had here with our children,

contrasted with what he had created. I wasn't sure I wanted back in.

So I suggest you do that as well. Contrast what your h thinks he is leaving,

ie a negative woman who harps or resents, with a new, optimistic you. Hence the 180s.

In our case, I let my h feel the warmth and loving home here contrast with the lonely life he had created on the Last Frontier.

And we are together.

Since you don't have kids I won't go into that issue but there are complexities that go with bringing them with you on the reconcilation route. IN any event, good luck,

work on YOU and don't focus on his flaws. That's not going to get you anywhere for now.

If you feel it's really over and you are staring at your loss THEN FINE go ahead and get real about him.

Examine his flaws and acknowledge that SOME things are going to be better without him. Watching chick flicks and not having the toilet seat up, are small things but you can imagine bigger ones.

Point is, sometimes being negative helps you feel a little better b/c you realize you are not losing THE PERFECT H...

and if you are losing a perfect man, so be it. Learn from that lesson and don't repeat it.

We are all flawed humans with faults. We all make choices that we are not proud of later, at some points in our lives.

LEARN FROM them and that means CHANGING US.

Good luck

[MyNewStrength]

Okay. I had very busy day at work yesterday after a cry before heading in. But I got to work, that is the small step. Normally, I would have called in, but I went in after a cry. When I got home, I spoke to the WAS. He wanted me to know he stopped by the house and picked up a few dirty clothes and mail. Wanted to make sure he was in and out in 5 minutes. But I did notice that he spent time outside because of the screen doors were not closed and he also resealed the box on his anniversary present I bought (so must have looked at it) and he told me he checked the sprinkler system and reset it for the fall. He wanted to make sure that I was okay and wanted to know if he received any bills because he did not find them. Well that is strange because all of his bills he gets online.

And then he apologizes for the email he sent earlier and said that he didn't mean it but he was initially very angry. I did see it at work (it was in my junk folder since I blocked it- yes, I know, I looked). In the email, he accused me of locking him out of the house, which I did not. Then he threatened me with having his lawyer file an injunction for keeping him out of the house. So I sent him a response and asked him if he used the keypad. He said no.

So apparently he came by after work and retrieved only a few things. He told me to have a good weekend and that he was not interested in talking about our relationship because we are just not compatible (after 15 years together???). He says he wants the "best" for me.

Is this to resolve any guilt he may have? What are people's thoughts on a WAS use of "incompatibility" as a reason for them to leave when they are storming all over the place?

[AnotherStander]

So apparently he came by after work and retrieved only a few things. He told me to have a good weekend and that he was not interested in talking about our relationship because we are just not compatible (after 15 years together???).

All WAS's say stuff like that, remember Sandi's rule about not believing anything they say, it's totally appropriate at times like that.

Is this to resolve any guilt he may have? What are people's thoughts on a WAS use of "incompatibility" as a reason for them to leave when they are storming all over the place?

Basically you're asking us what he's thinking, and the answer is we don't know and neither do you, and we cannot hope to know because he doesn't know either. WAS's will frequently say something one day and then say the complete opposite the next. They are not lying, they really are in that much confusion that their thoughts can change drastically in a short amount of time. Don't wrestle with trying to figure him out, focus your energy on you instead.

[MrCAS]

Trying to understand WAS thinking is like trying to pound a brad into a concrete wall.

Don't even try. You will only torture yourself.

[LBH_LC]

Yep, what MrCAS said.

[MyNewStrength]

Thank you AnotherStander, MrCAS and LeftCoast

This is still difficult for me but I thank you for the jolt - sometimes it is necessary for me to refocus. I know I cannot HELP or FIX him. Only God and he can do that. It is just that I have been a FIXER, and now I have to learn to just let it go. But I will say this - I wish no harm or hurt or pain for my spouse. I think that is what is most difficult.

I have plans for the morning and early afternoon, so that will get me to refocus. And I did enjoy myself with my girlfriend and her mom last night - I have not eaten like that since my H left. A Seafood fest! and great company and conversation. I am so grateful for my friends, I just didn't want to be a bother.

I have also signed up for a book club - can you believe it! I never done on of these before, but looking forward to exploring it. Have a good morning.

[lovethehub]

This is still difficult for me but I thank you for the jolt - sometimes it is necessary for me to refocus. I know I cannot HELP or FIX him. Only God and he can do that. It is just that I have been a FIXER, and now I have to learn to just let it go. But I will say this - I wish no harm or hurt or pain for my spouse. I think that is what is most difficult.

It is difficult, it will be easier when you are able to focus on yourself instead of what H is doing. As the others have pointed out, this will not help your M in any way. If you are a fixer, figure out what you need to fix in yourself and focus on that.

[MyNewStrength]

There is not more kindness no more love no anything left for me. Here is the email I received today... It is over.... cry

Wife

The house doesn't mean anything to me. The stuff doesn't mean anything to me. I want the marriage to be over. I want to move on with my life.

I can only interpret your waffling on what to do as a stalling technique. Don't stall. I'm not coming back to you. This isn't like the times I left before - you know that. Make a decision on whether you're going to keep the house or not - If there's some piece of info you need to make that decision , tell me what it is so I can get it for you so you can make the decision - this week. If you can't decide - I'm putting the house up for sale.

If you don't work with me on the PSA, I can only interpret that to mean you're contesting the divorce. At this point, I don't care if it costs us an additional $20,000 because you contest it - If that's the path you're choosing then let's bet going down that path, right now. If you have points you want to discuss in the PSA let me know - today.

Husband

But I have not been stalling, I have seen 3 lawyers and my lawyer is reviewing the updated PSA from his lawyer that I received on Friday. Life is over.

[JayMan]

MNS: I remember my first divorce "battle". My XW1 actually delayed our divorce a total of 4 years because my DBing blew her mind. She started dating/sleeping with a horrible guy, even let him live at her apartment ~ ended up throwing his stuff on her lawn to get him out. Even today, she is embarrassed about him, and she literally met me to talk about marrying him (while we were still legally married). If I had been smart, I would've accepted her offer of half the child support that I pay now.

Remember that legal crap is really only worried about whats "fair". Being married to your H 9 years, and making more money then H; the judge will just ignore most everything else with no kids in the picture.

I'm with you - I'm currently on the fence with just signing dissolution papers or fighting D - been desperately asking God what to do...

Again, my point is this is legal crap; every divorce attorney I know has a boiler-plate letter they do a find-and-replace on a first name and last name and charge you $200/hour to do it. I have a great friend that is a divorce attorney, and he lives with regret that he makes $500,000/year over stupid people arguing over divorce.

Just keep that in mind when you find yourself grieving...