It appears to me that you are still stuck in the same place your were when you started this thread a few months ago.
What you need to do is forget about your feelings and needs right now and focus on your W's. Your W watched her F kill her M, was mentally abused growing up and now you are doing more of the same to her. Why would she have any incentive to give up OM when he provides her with someone to talk to, someone who makes her feel safe?
You must stop crying, feeling sorry for yourself, snooping, trying to control her, etc. Your M is definitely over if you keep doing this. Your W is crying out to you and trying to tell you what she needs and you continue to disappoint her.
Work on making yourself strong and attractive and in the meantime be the safe place your W needs. When she says things that upset you, you have to stop reacting and getting in fights with her. This will never repair your M. Validate as best you can and then go for a walk, run or whatever. Do not yell at her, fight with her, tell her she is wrong, tell her what she must do, etc.
Your wife sounds broken, she needs a lot of healing and if you can't show her that you can be there for her she is going to lean on OM more and more.
You can do this. Get yourself together and be strong and caring.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
