Yes, it appears that I am making all the men in my life sweat a little these days. Car negotiations are moving along. But just like this MLC business, glad I don't have to do this very frequently.
Nero, I know exactly how you felt. It took some time for me to start enjoying the things I once loved again. Being around people was especially difficult. Good friends were understanding but being those whom I did not tell or weren't sympathetic was exhausting. I'd be in a room full of people and feel like I was listening to conversations under water.
I am a pretty strong willed person but I found that the more I pushed myself to feel better, I ended up feeling worse because it felt like I was failing. So I stopped pushing and instead took very small steps. For example, I love to travel. So I grabbed a coffee at my favourite bookstore on an evening I was feeling low and plunked myself down in the travel section. I came away with a glimmer of a renewed interest again. Every time I felt low, that is what I did. Two weeks ago I came home with several travel magazines. I realized I had not bought any for a very long time.
I also found it really nice to have some time I could completely call my own. I know exactly what it is like to have family members fighting, etc.
Nero, I don't know if my method would work for you, everyone has their own way. I found that GALing and finding something new did not work for me, especially with all the family issues going on at the same time but bringing back to life something I loved, did.
And speaking of dangling men. I did respond to his message asking if I was enjoying my car and said that the car was not here yet. I didn't give anything else about my life away. Couple of hours later and he texted back saying he couldn't wait to see it. Do you know, I am still so surprised to get his texts? We were out of contact so long.
But I am comfortable where I am. It's me who wants the time and space now.
Portia - good for you, on all fronts! I absolutely agree about all you said regarding post bomb feelings. I too tried to push myself and ended up feeling like a failure. I started reading gardening books again, until I could think about actually gardening. As for feeling as if I were sitting underwater, or behind a glass screen, oh yes, And I thought I might feel that way forever - which I know can see is a sign of depression. If you believe that nothing will ever change it is a sign of lost hope, and I think that is what happens to us.
Your XSO is definitely peeking out of his bunny burrow - it is fascinating how they cannot seem to leave us alone.
Portia, I'm not surprised at all that he contacted you again. You hit him in the sweet spot....cars! Heck, if you would have known that buying a car would bring him out of hiding you could have mentioned it before. I'm anxious to hear when and what his next text or maybe even a call will bring.
I love negotiating when buying a car or anything else that's negotiable. I don't feel one bit guilty about it either. Cars, jewelry and many other luxury type items has such an incredible markup that it's crazy not to negotiate. Have fun with it and let us know what you end up buying.
You sound like you're doing so well and have come to a good place mentally and emotionally. You found a way to get through the initial shock of this in your own way and that's all that matters. You're right, what works for one doesn't always work for another. This has to be the hardest thing that any of us will ever have to do. There were times in the beginning that it took so much energy and effort to put one foot in front of the other. Now, over a year later, I hardly remember the early days (after BD). I do remember feeling helpless, angry, and alone but the details are a blur. Am I suffering from PTSD? LOL
Keep the focus on you and take time for yourself no matter how busy you get at work and with family.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Peeking out if the bunny burrow - such a great image Bea!
Had a bit of a down day today. I think it happens when I hit that lack of sleep and not enough hours in a day to do lists. Usually means I need sleep. As NLT can tell, one nighthawk to another.
The texts are so strange because they are so normal, if that makes sense? Like he didn't do such heinous things and like we parted on good terms. Like it hasn't been almost a year since we saw each other or spent time together.
Do they hold onto us because they truly miss us or are we just habit to them? I am not trying to analyze his texts or attribute any meaning to them. It really is that they seem to still want to see if a piece of us belongs to them. Or at least in their eyes.
A part of me wants to know where this is going or where it's not going. Cut my losses even more, if need be and ask politely if he could leave me alone. The other part of me thinks, shoot, it's only a random text every blue moon.
Sigh. Just rambling a bit. I'll feel better after a good snooze.
Lack of sleep definitely inhibits our thought process and energy level. Duh! LOL I had 4 1/2 hours last night but it was my fault. You'll feel better tomorrow.
It is odd how they text, call or come by after nc for awhile. In you SO's case, I still think the ow has either been sent down the road or decided that she needed more than he could give her. MLC has a way of shining brightly even with the ow.
Don't worry about what his reasons are right now. You are in the drivers seat (no pun intended) of your new life. You can choose to ignore him and keep moving forward as you have been or let it play out and see where it leads. If you are completely detached and can handle whatever might happen good or bad then let it unfold.
You have to make that decision. Make it knowing that we are here to support you and the vets are here to guide you should you need help. I'm naturally curious and would stay engaged just to see where it went. What do you have to lose? Again, only you know the answer to that and whether you have the strength to deal with whatever the end result might be. Positive thinking NLT sees that it might not be as bad a what you think. With no expectations how can you go wrong! LOL
In response to your comment. YES, hot tubs are not only fun but relaxing and stress relieving. The kids call my/our home a resort. Lucky for me/us they have busy lives and can't get over as often as they'd like.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
A part of me wants to know where this is going or where it's not going.
How could you when he doesn't even know?
The reason he keeps checkin' in isn't because of the car, it's because the two of you really had something. On some level, he realizes this. The car, or any other subject, is just a "safe" excuse for him.
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Do they hold onto us because they truly miss us or are we just habit to them?
Both.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Ahhh Insomnia, the gift of the MLCer to us. I didn't sleep properly for a long time. now? I have a bad night every 4 or 5 nights, but it is usually a treat now, if that doesn't sound weird, as I put on the light, listen to the radio or read a book.
I felt as if my xh had robbed me to the capacity of sleep properly - stress and trauma I think.
They want to act as if normal, in part because they are not facing up to what they have done. The picture I get with so many MLCers is one of upright men who go off the rails, not, in general, rather dodgy people who have cheated all their lives.
Now it is hard to face having done something that violates so much of what you believed in, and denial is the easiest way out. The other, as we all know, if self justification - 'I wasn't happy, the marriage wasn't working, you were a terrible cook, you are too tall/short/fat/thin, you stayed home/went out to work' and so on. Delete as appropriate.
I think my current favourite form my xh is that I am 'an all or nothing person' Hello? Yes I wanted exclusivity in our relationship, [last time I checked most people do] and yes, some behaviours are not compatible with even friendship. Bascially I am not playing the current game he wants to play which is 'Let's pretend that nothing happened, that we decided to go our separate ways, and we can now play happy families and be friends, when I feel like it'
'No' really is a complete sentence,
In fact I wonder if we should have an exercise book with all the MLC scripts printed in them and tick them off when they say them? It would help to see it isn't personal!
So the random texts continue... lol. My H had a big blow up recently, shouting his intention to leave ASAP, spewing, not touching, followed with a text about the sale price of milk the next day.
I think there are a couple things in play here.
MLCers have terrible memories. Either they don't remember clearly what they did/said, or they don't have a great grasp on when they did/said the offensive things.
MLCers feel completely justified. Their spouse and/or the world at large has treated them so badly that their choices are reasonable - to themselves.
If the texts bother you, if you feel they set you back, then ask him to stop.
get some sleep girl!
Take care,
Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
NLT - yes, isn't that just it? Curiosity killed the cat. I am a little as well.
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In your SO's case, I still think the ow has either been sent down the road or decided that she needed more than he could give her. MLC has a way of shining brightly even with the ow.
I can't help but wonder. Perversely, I would hate to have him begin to contact me (as happened before) just because GF is not available. I also wonder if she finished all her crying on his shoulder and decided that she no longer needed him. IDK but I am so curious about it. The OW is such a big thing to us - a huge painful manifestation of MLC. I have lost any emotional reaction I had to her and to him, other than I would rather he not contact me if he is still with her. But I do confess, I am still curious.
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The reason he keeps checkin' in isn't because of the car, it's because the two of you really had something. On some level, he realizes this. The car, or any other subject, is just a "safe" excuse for him.
I wondered this, too. Does that mean he has to come up with something else once the Mystery of the Car is solved?
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They want to act as if normal, in part because they are not facing up to what they have done. The picture I get with so many MLCers is one of upright men who go off the rails, not, in general, rather dodgy people who have cheated all their lives.
Now it is hard to face having done something that violates so much of what you believed in, and denial is the easiest way out. The other, as we all know, if self justification - 'I wasn't happy, the marriage wasn't working, you were a terrible cook, you are too tall/short/fat/thin, you stayed home/went out to work' and so on. Delete as appropriate.
Word, Bea! He was one of those men who helped lost old ladies and everyone liked. His kindness was one of the things I loved about him. I think that is why his treatment of me doubly hurt. He could be infinitely kind to strangers but could not find it in him to be kind to me at the worst times in my life. And then berated me for everything I was. He knew where to hit me - the children thing - because he knew ME. That is why they can hurt us so much. They know us.
But the scripts? I didn't know they were scripts until I googled ILYBINILWY. There they were: I haven't felt like that about you in years, you're not what I want, I only get one life and I have to live it, etc, etc. A check list would be great. I actually got most of scripts all at once, lucky me.
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If the texts bother you, if you feel they set you back, then ask him to stop.
MizJ, you know what? They don't. Not any more. I believe he has lost that power over me. Not that I am completely over it. I am still unbelievably angry at him and for the choices that he made. I guess in the back of my head, I wonder why he even deserves civility when I certainly got none. But I realize that I am not that kind of person.
A friend of mine asked me if he had been in touch and I said yes, just a few texts. She told me I should ignore them and referred me to a website that she said helped her when her H cheated on her. I won't mention the website so as not to run afoul of the moderator here, but I personally found this particular site, run by a woman who was cheated on herself, to be intolerant, judgmental and foul. Please don't misunderstand, overall her message was one of strength and of focussing on ourselves and taking care of ourselves during this time. Not unlike DB.
But one of the things that struck me about her site, was that if someone chose to be compassionate or even thought of the possibility of reconciliation, her names for those people were endless. I felt bad reading it because, what? I am valuing myself to low by still speaking to him? For not telling him to F-off?
Don't we feel bad enough without the feeling that I am somehow failing myself if I am kind or allow contact? IDK.
There was an excellent article on there regarding reconciliation and why it is difficult. But the overall tone was not for me.
For now, I like NLT's advice: as long as I am not being adversely affected, let's see how it goes. And if I meet Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome before xSO wakes up - well, consequences is all I can say!
Portia, I know exactly the web site you were referring to. I had to chuckle when you posted about it.
Yes, my dear, he'll find other excuses to contact you in the future. That's how they are. They can't come out and admit that they are lonely or miss you because that would be admitting that they screwed up. They can't look at themselves in the mirror because it is too painful and let's face, ego plays a bit into it before they want everyone to think that they did the right thing and are happy as pigs in mud.
Portia, I think you've come a long way and are strong enough to deal w/any missives he should send your way. BTW, their are plenty of scripted lines that the mlcers use. We have had several threads on them in the past. I have always found it interesting how they find those scripts and I believe the Mother Ship has a microchip that she placed in their brains once them come aboard for travel.
On another note, how are you doing? Kitty doing okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
get some sleep girl! 
