Wife moved out, won't come back home

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This is my second marriage. We began having problems back in 3008 when we moved from CA to NC to a house she 'just had to have'. The same problems from my first marriage came right back, chiefly inability to communicate, which led to needs not being met and hurts building up to a point of detachment and contempt.

How is it that your lack of communication was caused by a house 'she just had to have'? You are placing 100% of the blame on her with this statement and it clearly is not realistic that all of your problems were caused by a house and her choice to live in it. Considering it is your second M, have you entertained the thought that you may have some growing to do?

Since then we have separated many times, some times as long as six months. Upon getting back together, we would work for a few weeks on the marriage then stop. Nothing was ever resolved. Eventually, we turned into a largely platonic couple, devoid of intimacy on any level. I was very unhappy, but could not figure out a way to grow and facilitate change. This lead to excessive drinking, affairs (on my part), and blow-ups caused by alcohol.

Afairs, as in multiple?

The last six months I noticed W seemed to be simply 'there'; in essence she gave up trying, which made making effort on my part very difficult.

Your wife gave up trying because you were drinking and cheating and this made it very difficult for you?

Things were going OK before the last blow-up, but I felt she was being cold to me and I wanted desperately to be close to her, simply to hold her hand. I had been drinking, and while we were watching a movie, got up, got dressed, and said I was going out to meet someone who really wants to be with me.

Things weren't OK, she had simply given up. If you wanted desperately to be close to her why would you tell her you were going out to meet someone who 'really wanted to be with you'? Especially when she knew you had already cheated?

I did my usual pleading and apologizing, but she would have none of it. She's been gone three+ weeks now. And while we have been attending joint therapy, there has been little forward progress. She can't or won't articulate what she wants, and the last session was entirely about everything I did wrong in the marriage. The therapist said she is suffering from depression (which I have been telling her for years), but she dismissed that claim as something I was trying to use against her in a divorce.

Please do not try to blame your problems on your wife's depression. Of course she is down (this does not mean she is clinically depressed), she is living with someone who drinks too much, gets in alcohol fueled rages and cheats on her. She probably has no idea what she wants. Even if part of her wants to remain with you she is probably afraid to even try.

I was finally able to get her to see our primary care doctor today for blood work and depression (she is chronically tired), but she told the doctor she wasn't really that depressed and got a low dosage of something if she wants to try. I was very disappointed when I found that out.

Why were you disappointed? Do you think this will fix all of your problems?

I have stopped drinking, and am trying to work on the marriage but she is giving me NOTHING!

You have cheated on her and abused her and you are upset that after 3 weeks of being a 'new person' she isn't giving you anything?

I'm tempted to file on one-hand and get back on Match and be through with this.

You have to be willing to look at yourself and work on your own issues if you want a decent R with anyone, not just your W. If you 'get back on Match and be through with this', it is only a matter of time before you are here again.

During the last session, the counselor said 'your wife is 90% checked-out of this marriage and 10% in'.

From what I have read, you should be grateful she is still 10% in.

There is no way I will wait indefinitely however. One time she left for close to six months (granted while providing Hospice care to her father), and I met someone during her absence that I came very close to leaving her for. Sometimes I regret that decision.

She left you or she left to take care of her dying father?

The counselor is trying to get her to come back to the home, but so far she refuses.

I have no idea why the C is trying to get her to come back already when you haven't accepted any responsibility and don't appear at all inclined to change. Do you understand why she doesn't want to come back? Do you realize that as the one who cheated it is mostly your responsibility to show her the changes and get the M back on track? You are waiting for her to do it and that's not going to work.

I'm almost finished with Divorce Busting, but this living in limbo is a very difficult place to reside for me.

<sigh>.

As opposed to how easy it has been for her to live with your drinking and cheating?

We have a therapy session on Friday, but I am tempted to blow it off and go on a motorcycle trip with friends. She could always go alone (and she should as she has a lot of issue to work through). Again I'm afraid she'll interpret this as me not caring...

Ummm, do you have any issues to work through or just your W?

Really thinking on bailing on the therapy session today. I feel like I am chasing my tail like a foolish dog; making all the effort while she sits there 'checked out'.

Which effort are you referring to? You haven't wanted to show up, you have blamed her for everything, you are upset that she isn't ready to come back home and you want to be done with all of this and get back on Match.

She doesn't seem to know what exactly she wants, particularly with regard to our marriage/relationship, and for the last 3 sessions we've made zero forward progress.

3 sessions doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. You have hurt your W as deeply as possible with multiple A's. You have to make it up to her and not wait for her to make it up to you. Do you understand the damage you have done? I am not saying it is 100% your fault, however, to read your statements and cavalier attitude toward her 'lack of effort' and your 'lack of progress' it appears you are either downplaying the impact of this to almost nothing or you are in complete denial about what you have done in your M.

I just need to chill & focus on improving myself, which is very difficult because I am very uncomfortable not being in control of situations.

You would be 100% in control of your own self improvement

Quite an interesting therapy session. I was a few mins late & came in and MADE W kiss me on the lips (she tried giving me the cheek but I grabbed her chin).

Ewww. I would be completely disgusted if my H MADE me kiss him when we were in your position. What were you trying to prove? It shows a complete disregard for her feelings and it makes you a bully.

We spent most of the session with the therapist trying to get us to schedule a date, and at one time, W exploded with an angry nonsensical rant about us pressuring her & threatened to leave. (I came very close to leaving as well). Therapist was simply trying to get her to spend some time with me tonight before I leave on a trip for several days.

Why should she be forced to go on a date with you when you haven't shown any interest in working on yourself. Again you are ready to give up and walk away because she isn't where you want her to be. Do you have any idea how long this is going to take? You have to become a different person and then prove to her it is real. This is going to take a lot more than a few weeks if you want to gain her trust and have a better M from here on out.

Outside, I held her and massaged her back, kissed her several times on the lips (she didn't resist), and for us guys, gave her a boob squeeze a time or two

Double ewww. Squeezing a boob is rarely a turn on for women unless it is in the right, playful context, and it clearly wasn't. Please refrain from doing that again because it will not help you in any way. Also, why should she bother to resist when you will just force her to kiss you anyway. Based on the C session you had where she was resisting going on a date, do not take this as a sign that she is turned on. From a female perspective I can say that is highly unlikely.

Ironically, she was mad that I was going away for several days without telling her (she found out through a mutual friend). She tried to shade this as a bad thing were I would plan solo trips and tell her last minute.

Again you are making her out to be the bad guy in this scenario. She tried to 'shade it as that' or this is something you have done before and you know she doesn't like it? She probably thinks you are going away to be with someone else.

As a female reader i thought it was outrageous that you forced a kiss a rubbed her leg in counseling. It seems extraordinarily insensitive to her feelings about you. Unwanted pda is very off-putting. Just wanted to add my take in case you didnt believe it coming from mr B.

Exactly


This may all sound harsh, however, reading it from an outsiders perspective puts it in a clearer light for us than for you. Unless and until you can truly look at your own actions, learn from them, grow, and develop some patience, it will be futile to go to C. You need to read these posts objectively and imagine it is a strangers M; what would you say to the H who is in complete denial about his role, is upset that his W isn't willing to come back after 3 weeks (even though he cheated more than once,and became very aggressive when drinking) and who was forcing physical attention on her?